“Is that a dildo?” Six thoughts we all have during an internal ultrasound

Medically they are called, ‘Transvaginal ultrasounds’, but hello, when a giant dick-shaped probe gets inserted into your vajaja, it doesn’t feel very medical.

Here’s why internal ultrasounds have us all cringing, and some of our thoughts during one.

1. What if I pee on the radiographer?

I’m sitting here waiting and need to wee but have been told I need a ‘full bladder’ for the scan. Oh gawd, what if I accidentally wee on her while she’s doing it?

2. Oh, it may not be a her

I don’t know who is going to call my name, but please let it be a woman. I am all for gender equality, but I just don’t want a dude doing this particular exam. Is that sexist of me?

3. Wait, is she rolling on a condom?

Oh phew, it’s a nice lady who is very professional. “Yes, we are doing IVF,“ I tell her, starting to relax while lying here in a paper gown and no undies.

But hang on, she’s ripping open an Ansell and oh, kill me now, she’s ROLLING IT ON A DILDO – oh, I mean the scanner stick thingy.

And applying some lube, too.

Well, at least it won’t hurt, I hope.

4. How much do I spread?

I’ve been told to open my legs, but I don’t want to open them too much. I mean, I don’t want to be, like, all in her face.

“Oh, open a bit more? Sorry, this is my first internal ultrasound,” I explain.

5. These are the longest five seconds of my life

OK, it’s in, phew and it didn’t hurt. Now think of something else.

Oh wow, that’s what it looks like inside me, well on the monitor of squiggles and blobs that I don’t understand, anyway. Cool.

Hang on, why is she leaving the dildo-thing in me in the same position? What has she seen? Is there something wrong? What does she know? Can I ask her?

Oh, she’s moved on, but they were the longest five seconds of my life.

6. Please let it be over

This is taking so long. It feels totally awkward and I wish I was more cool with this but I just want it to be over.

Thank goodness, it is.

Oh, and there’s a wad of paper to wipe the lube off my area … how kind.