Oh gosh. If you are a parent and you haven’t been here, you can count your lucky stars.
A slippery story
We feel compelled to change the names of this mother-daughter duo, in case this child ever Googles themselves, but you can refer to the original Facebook post (below) if you are seeking complete accuracy.
So this mum, who we will call Jane Smith (not her real name) was at the park with her three kiddos. Her little girl, who we will call Charlotte (again, not her real name) wandered up to her with a small problem. Turns out Charlotte’s shorts were wet.
No big deal, thought Jane.
But when she went to change her daughter, she realised that it was “a poop-trophe” – the sort of poonami that makes its way out of the nappy and heads north, south, east AND west. And probably into space for all we know.
“I’m talking one of them poops you usually see in a newborn, where it’s all up then back and down their legs and you contemplate just throwing the whole baby away. Still, I’m not panicked. Been there, done that, multiple times,” Jane explained on Facebook, where she shared this story.
But when Jane popped to her car to grab some wipes, she realised she only had FOUR wipes left. Enough for a regular nappy change. Not enough for the type of clean-up this sort of serious spill would most definitely need.
Jane’s pondering the lack of wipes, or indeed anything else that would serve to tidy up young Charlotte when …
“Then I hear it, that painful SQQQUUUEEEAAAKKKKK of skin getting stuck to a plastic slide,” Jane writes.
“I look up and yes, of course, it’s Charlotte. She’s going down the slide, butt-naked, COVERED in poop, leaving a long skid mark of poop allllllll the way down on her way.”
So what does Jane do? She packs the car up with the kids and heads home to get some more wipes. Then she heads back to the park – she lives just a few minutes away.
As it’s a hot day, she turns the aircon on to keep her buckled-in kids cool – because she’s going to leave them in the car for a minute or two – and rushes to clean the slide before another child uses it.
So far. So good.
“I got the bottom and the main top easily, but the middle of the slide I could not reach,” Jane writes.
“I tried to climb up it, but was unsuccessful … To say I was struggling would an understatement.”
A clever hack?
So Jane decides that going down the slide was the only way to really make sure she could tidy it up properly.
“I decide to go down feet first, on my stomach, holding on to the side to slow myself down with one hand and wiping with the other.”
Good plan. Gulp.
“When I get to the bottom, I’m finally satisfied with my cleaning job. I turn and see a car parked, a family, all of them with glaring at me. I don’t know how long they were there. I never heard them pull up. They never got out of the car. I genuinely think they were afraid of me … [a] seemingly childless adult, on children’s playground equipment.”
Adding insult to injury, she quickly realises that her shirt is now also covered in poop. She acted as a giant poop mop as she slid down that slide in the name of cleanliness.
Thus Jane took her shirt off, drove home in her bra and issued a warning to other mums and dads.
“Always bring extra wipes, extra clothes, extra blankets, extra everything!”