“They’ve run out of marshmallows”: 8 porky pies I tell my kids on a daily basis

Posted in Family.

The other day my little loves and I were at the shops and I was in desperate need of coffee. We passed a cafe so I ordered a flat white, and a couple of babycinos for them. As I did, I mouthed the words, “no marshmallow” to the barista, who nodded and gave me a wink.

Porky pies 2.0

When we sat down, I explained to the boys that the cafe had run out of marshmallows. The nice man who is making their babycinos has to go to the shops later and buy some more, so they won’t get one today. 

Now I know I could have told them the truth, but I really wanted to sit back and sip a coffee – without anyone having a meltdown about the fact that I am a mean mummy who tries to limit the amount of sugar they have.

This made me think about all the other white lies I tell my kids every day. For instance:

1. They don’t sell replacement batteries for THAT toy

“Oh, that annoying noisy motorbike simulator toy is out of batteries? What a shame. The shops don’t sell the batteries we need for it. You’ll just have to play with it without the sound.” Ah, the peace!

2. I’m eating broccoli

AKA, I just snuck a piece of chocolate and don’t want them to know. “Yum, I love broccoli,” I tell them as I swallow very quickly, lest they smell the sweet truth on my breath. 

Read more about mum-truths:

3. That sign says “no whining and no touching” 

My kids love signs. They obey signs. So if the sign in the shop (which may be the no smoking sign) says no touching, no arguing or no being noisy, then they adhere to it. I will use this one for as long as they can’t read. 

Woman crossing fingers behind back

4. You won’t grow big like daddy if you don’t eat your veggies

When trying to convince my picky eaters that they need to eat ALL of their dinner – and not just the side of mashed potato – I tell them this one. I follow it up with, “You’ll stay little if you don’t eat those beans.” #MyBad

5. The internet is broken

Sometimes it’s easier to lie to them about why Paw Patrol won’t stream anymore than to get all screen time police on them. I know, I know, I am copping out from being a parent, but some days I don’t feel like fighting with my children yet AGAIN.

6. The park is shut now, sorry

Oh I use this one a lot. My boys gets fixated on a particular playground for a while and it gets so boring. So I tell them the park of the moment is shut today, just so we go somewhere else.

7. Raw carrots are a treat and you can only have ONE

My boys gnaw down on a raw carrot like it’s a Zooper Dooper – because they think it’s unhealthy – because I’ve made out to them that it is. Bahahaha.

Sam eating a carrot

8. It’s chicken!

I say this for when I’ve dished up pork, or any other type of meat for dinner that they will screw their cute but snotty little noses up at. For some reason poultry always gets at least a nibble.

 Yes, I really am bending the truth beyond recognition, but sometimes a little bit of peace and quiet is worth a transgression or two!


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