Remember those weekends when you could sleep in, indulge in a three-hour breakfast/brunch/cocktail hour with a mate before doing a quick stroll around the shops or spending the afternoon at the spa? No. Me neither.
Mummy me-time is something entirely different. It’s shorter and fewer and far between. But it still exists. These are the me-time scenarios you can look forward to now that you’re a mum.
1. Grocery shopping alone
A solo trip down the spice aisle at the supermarket is, sadly, an amazing event. Solo grocery shopping means you can actually take your time and buy the things you need rather than stuffing your cart with anything the kids put into the trolley or anything that will ensure you get out of the place before they start to crack it.
2. A trip to the dentist for a deep clean
It’s something we all used to hate as kids … but, now, despite the awful dental sounds and horrible fluoride rinse, it’s nice to spend half an hour in a comfortable chair zoning out. Even a trip to the doctor for a PAP smear can be great.
3. Solo car rides
Windows down. Music up. Sunnies on. And two empty car seats in the back. That’s how I roll … until I get to the school pickup zone.
4. Nap time
Except, of course, when you fall asleep with your child, who is actually not asleep at all but rather covering his sister with moisturiser (super expensive stuff too!) and adding “spots” to her legs with liquid black eyeliner.
5. Eating an entire meal without someone touching you (or your food)
I am not sure why, but somehow my food always looks so much more appetising than my daughter’s exact same dinner. It just tastes better if she’s sitting on me, backwashing in my water and taking all the best bites.
6. Hide and seek
You go hide and mummy will come and find you, but I’ll probably sit and have a coffee first.
7. Hair appointments
Two hours of ‘me-time’ where you can enjoy a coffee, have your head massaged and read trashy magazines. And probably engage in adult conversation. This is the dream mummy-me-time scenario.
8. The time between 11pm and 12:30am when no child is in your bed
After that, it’s usually musical beds for the entire night. But I suppose “me-time” also includes the few hours of sleep in your son’s bed after he has entered yours and completely taken over.
9. Going to the toilet
It’s depressing. I know. Normally I will lock the door, say, “I am going to the toilet,” then paint my nails, pluck my eyebrows and play Candy Crush on my phone while sitting on the tiled floor.
This is what luxury looks like mums and dads.