As Aussie parents we’ve had to learn to do things a little bit differently in the land down under. But how exactly does that rub off on our offspring?
Well, when you live in a country where clothing is kid-optional, it’s too hot to sleep indoors for much of the year, and favourite foods come in the form of a jar of thick black gold, bringing up baby is not quite what you might imagine.
Here’s how you know you are raising yourself one very little Australian:
1. There is always ONE angry-looking mozzie bite on their body
No matter how ferocious your nightly mosquito eradication program is, there will always be one determined blood-sucking pest who takes a bite out of that luscious baby flesh.
2. Standard summer wear is a nappy
And if you’re going on a fancy outing, a singlet is added for modesty.
3. They have a permanent sunscreen moustache
And because they don’t care (hell, they don’t even know!), you can stop all that rubbing of their face right now.
4. There’s a very real risk of seatbelt-buckle burn every time they get in the car
When there’s a baby seat in the back of the car, finding the good parking spot in the shade becomes a life skill.
5. They grow up thinking that AC-DC’s Long Way To The Top is a lullaby
Or Cold Chisel’s Flame Trees. In fact, you can insert here any Aussie rock classic from your childhood.
They’re genetically predisposed to enjoy a healthy smear of the salty spread on their toast before they’ve even stopped breastfeeding.
7. When it comes to swimwear, your family falls into one of two camps
You either identify with the nudists or the Amish when it comes to prepping littlies for the beach, by covering them ALL up from neck to knee or going au naturale.
8. Calamine lotion is their war paint
They grow up thinking that the chalky stuff with the strangely comforting smell dotted over their bodies will actually stop the itch. Fools!
9. They think worms are the delicious things that wriggle out of squished-together Vita-Weats
At least, until they start digging in the back garden – and they’ll be prepared to pop the real thing into their mouths too.
10. The most common cause of nocturnal sheet changing is not a poo explosion
Instead it’s a very damp baby lying in an unacceptably large sweat puddle.
11. Their first party trick is learning how to take a sun hat off
And no matter how many times you attempt to jam it back on their little head, it will end up on the floor again. They’re happy to play this particular game till the end of time.
12. You grab a Zooper Dooper from the freezer to put on their hurties
And for the record, the red ones work best.
13. Your lounge room walls are tastily, er tastefully, painted in Vegemite Brown
Which coincidentally works well with the banana yellow stains on the throw cushions.
14. Their first tantrum involved a jumbo packet of Tim Tams
But as long as they don’t discover your stash of treat-sized Cherry Ripes, you can learn to live with the occasional Tim-Tam-related meltdown.
15. They think daily head-to-toe sunscreen application is standard operating procedure
That’s right, isn’t it??