What to REALLY bloody expect when you’re expecting

Posted on November 15, 2018March 26, 2019 by Shannon Kelly White

This is an edited excerpt from Shannon Kelly White’s Book, ‘Parenting for Legends’.

There are hundreds of books that’ll tell you what to expect when you’re pregnant but I’m going to give it to you straight. I won’t say you’ll be a divinely radiant goddess because, honestly, at times you’ll feel pretty gruesome. You are a goddess though—you’re giving life—but sometimes you’ll feel like a cranky, swollen, unstoppably gassy sort of a goddess.
You feel me?

The saddest revelation of pregnancy is the fact that you cannot eat for two

It’s a fact that horrifies many pregnant women: you only need about 300 extra calories in the first trimester, an extra 350 in the second and 450 extra in the third. You do need substantially more nutrients though (like folic acid and omega 3 fats). So, you need more nutrients but your calorie budget doesn’t grow that much — isn’t that rude?

I blissfully ignored the data during my second pregnancy because I was too busy living my best life and indulging in an entire packet of Chocolate Covered Digestives a day.

As a result my fibre intake was phenomenal and I shat amazing shits but I also had to deal with being mistaken for a stranded dugong when sunbathing at the beach. I have no regrets.

Hot Tip: Stock up your freezer before bubs arrives. New-Parent-You will be grateful to Pregnant-And-Nailing-It-You for this foresight. These ready-to-go meals will come in super handy on the days when your squishy-delishy is being a tossbag.

Rage happens

For most of my pregnancies I was as placid as a lamb (as long as I wasn’t hungry) but on occasion, I became rage filled. I can’t explain it, I can only warn you that you too may act like a bit of a dill at some stage. For example, when I was 10 weeks pregnant with our first child, Mr Shannon brought home the wrong type of mince to make tacos and I was livid.
I rage-made a toasted cheese sandwich and refused to speak to him for several hours.

I feel like I need to warn you about your nipples

Those cute little rosebuds are gonna change. One day, you’re walking around with an adorable, appropriately sized pair of nipps, and the next minute you’ve got a set that look as though they belong to a rack the size of Stormy Daniels’.

It happened to me on an otherwise ordinary day. I was about to shower and I looked in the mirror. ‘Heavens to Betsy! Who glued pepperoni pieces on my tits?!’ My areolas had become spectacularly obnoxious. I summoned Mr Shannon and his response was immediate and succinct: ‘Eww.’

As you can imagine, it didn’t end well for Mr Shannon.

Heartburn can go pork itself in its bottom

As your baby grows and grows inside your guts it really starts to dominate in there. As their limbs lengthen and their cute little bums grow they begin to take up a shitload of vital room in your abdominal cavity: they’re gut-hogs. This means your poor sweet innocent organs can suffer from a severe case of being friggin’ squashed. Given there’s less room in there for food and poo and whatnot, heartburn often ensues. How very dare this foetus.

HOT TIP: Take a baby first aid course. You need to know what to do if things go pear-shaped — choking, burns, how to nail CPR. Now is the time to tick it off the list so when your squishy-delishy arrives you’re profesh at the whole ‘keeping the small-one alive’ thing.