If you, like much of the country, are enjoying the guilty pleasure that is the latest season of Married At First Sight you’ll be familiar with the tantrums, tears and demon-fancying antics of this “experiment’s” participants.
But did you know that the addictive twists and behavioural turns have quite a lot in common with the shenanigans of the Toddler Room at your local daycare centre?
Scroll on and let us explain …
9 times the blokes on Married At First Sight acted like total babies
1. Telv’s bare-bummed dinner
Honestly, (our actual hero) Telv was totally channelling the not-so-secret lives of two-year-olds that time he made Sarah dinner in the nuddy, to cheer her up.
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What toddler hasn’t enjoyed a meal in the nude – or tried to win someone over with a spontaneous nudie run?
Telv’s proud buttock flash was jaunty and 100 percent #toddlerlife
2. Troy’s fake camembertgate
Troy took a leaf out of many an adventurous toddler’s book when he wilfully ignored what he KNEW (that the packet he’d just opened said CAMEMBERT not BUTTER) and dared himself to add cheese to a hot pan and pretend everything was okay.
Like babies who push snacks into DVD players or really anything with an opening, Troy’s “shove it and see” approach to making eggs did not end well for anyone. Later he pretended he did not speak (or read) adult and that the word CAMEMBERT was just a confusing squiggle. He then threw it out the window. #Toddler
3. Nasser’s general life-living/oxygen-breathing
Nasser came in all shy smiles, sweet side-eye and big boy shorts, lulling everyone into a false sense of security. Later, he got a bit tired of being a good boy and rained down havoc on all and sundry.
The only thing that would calm Naughty Nasser was letting him play with the vacuum cleaner or ride his bike up and down the street.
Later, when an overstimulated and tantrum-weary Nasser busted out his “I’m really a very good boy” speech over dinner, everyone gave him a little cheer through their gritted teeth and wished it was his bedtime.
4. Sean’s pouting and punishing, distant vibes
When Sean met Jo, he said the first mean thing that popped into his head and things continued in this bratty vein from there.
As Jo tried to engage him in interesting activities and encourage conversation with gentle and thoughtful chatter, Sean extended his bottom lip in what can only be described as a man pout and blew a sort of fed-up raspberry.
Mostly he wanted to play in the pool and have his bottle, ruses designed to distract from the fact that he felt out of his depth. Later, Sean was bewildered that his constant pouty withholding malarky was upsetting Jo, and he was sent home to have a think about his behaviour.
5. Sean’s crankiness and zealous gel play
The other Sean was equally terrible at considering anyone else’s feelings. He tried saying different mean things to Blair, wondering which one would make her cry.
Where a toddler might go for “you stupidhead!!!” Sean tried other jabs that would hopefully push Blair as far away as possible “different values!!!” and “me no like you!!!” amongst them.
Sean then got heartily stuck into a tub of hair gel in peace (see above). There were rumours he later unrolled all the toilet paper into the loo and Sudocream-ed the bathroom floor, but they are unconfirmed at this stage.
6. Justin and his special and very favourite words
Like a baby who’s just learned their first few words, Justin was keen to join the conversation, albeit a little awkwardly.
“How was your week, Justin?” “BOAT! BOAT!” “Justin, what do you like about Carly?” “JAMES PACKER! JAMES PACKER!” “Are you looking forward to homestays?” “MILAN!! MILAN!!” “Will you stay or leave?” “ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!”
He was often seen glancing furtively around the room in case a boat or an ice cream or Milan or James Packer appeared. When they didn’t he told Carly “no cuddles” but later made a clunky attempt to hold her hand, which made her cry.
(We couldn’t find a GIF of Mat, so enjoy Tracey instead)
7. Mat’s yelling and bolting
We’ve accidentally forgotten who Mat is. Oh no. We remember. Okay. When Mat and Alycia were paired up, it was clear that Mat was a complex gent.
Mat didn’t want to share or go to bed in his own room and in the end he busted out the classic toddler dummy spit, yelling at Alycia and bedding down in a pillow fort far from the “girl germs” and “use your words” type sitch. (Okay, it wasn’t really a pillow fort, but rather the grown up version – his own serviced apartment).
Later Mat ran away faster than a two-year-old at the supermarket and we can’t say we blame Alycia for pushing her trolley far, far, far away (after a bit of a sob).
8. Ryan’s babe-ing
Ryan’s baby behaviour was mostly just … being a babe. Under trying circumstances he worked hard to maintain his integrity, tried not to say too many rude words/explode into one thousand Dean-hating pieces AND attempted to forgive everyone who had done him wrong.
No, wait! He was a baby! Remember that time he spat his dinner over the side of the beach cabana?! He’s officially on the list for that.
9. Dean’s “rapping”
Twitter called it “crapping” and they were not far off the mark, as Dean wore his cap like a feisty preschooler and spluttered out a string of words he hoped would please the assembled grown-ups.
Dean gave himself a very special name – “Visionz” – and promptly changed it, as identity-exploring toddlers are wont to do. “Hurricane Deano” was his new “let’s pretend” guise and Tracey was careful to feign amazement and bolster her “rapper’s” self-esteem/imaginative play by joining in with his neck-rolling and finger pointing and wriggling around on the floor.
Later Dean told some lies and Tracey explained concepts like “trust” and “not being a freaking asshole” in age-appropriate ways.
Okay, we didn’t really talk about John and Patrick, but this is mostly because they haven’t done anything resembling horizontal kicks on the floor at Aldi, begging for this week’s Special Buy trumpet – nor tried to make out with a dolphin.
It’s still early days though … maybe they are secret babies?! (And aren’t we ALL, at one time or another?!)