There are a lot of things no one really ever thinks to tell you about being a parent. And one of them is that being a mum will have you saying things you never imagined you’d ever say.
I’m not talking about opening your mouth to hear things your mother used to say spilling out, though that’ll certainly happen. I am talking about the utterly ridiculous – and usually hilarious – moments you’ll find yourself in as you parent. Sometimes the toughest gig is holding in the laughter as you try to guide this crazy little being you created through each day.
So here they are. The seven wildest things I’ve said to my toddler.
1. We don’t wash tractors in our breakfast
Yes, toddlers are messy eaters and they like to play with their food but do many turn their cereal into a makeshift car wash?
2. Hamburger buns are not earmuffs
I can honestly say, I never imagined those words coming out of my mouth. Have you ever looked at a hamburger bun and thought, ‘I should put these over my ears’?
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4. Wearing your Viking helmet to bed is probably why you can’t sleep
I know what you’re thinking, the old Viking-helmet-is-too-hard conundrum. Surely there’s a book on how to battle this sleep obstacle, right?
5. Corn cobs don’t go in our pockets
Just one example of why toddlers do not need pockets, those features are fraught with danger.
6. Fire trucks don’t belong in the pantry
You may catch a fireman raiding the cupboards for food – speaking from experience – but not fire trucks … unless you have a toddler.
7. We don’t clean the floor with our hair
I’ve got to give my son credit, he can be very resourceful. But, this time, his attempts to mop up the milk he spilt just weren’t cutting it.
8. We don’t chainsaw the dog
Before you call the cops, the chainsaw is a toy – a very noisy toy. If you ever want to really test the waters before having a second child, get a puppy. As if having a three-and-a-half-year-old wasn’t enough work, I had the brainwave to get my son a furry friend – more like a partner in crime. Oh, and yes, the noisy toy was another of my bright ideas.