The nervous wait for twins: “Tomorrow I meet you, but this is how I feel today”

Posted in Stages of Pregnancy.

Right now my dear pregnant friend is nervously waiting the arrival of her twins tomorrow via a scheduled c-section. Here are her thoughts and feels …

Tomorrow I meet you, my little loves. Right now we are three souls in one body, but tomorrow you will be in my arms. 

Tiny twin babies, all pink, squidgy and needy. Who are you? Who will you grow up to be? Oh I can’t wait to meet you! I can’t wait to mother you. But then, I also sort of wish I could wait.

You see, I am scared. Excited, yes, of course, with all my heart. But also so very, very, scared. Can you feel my fear? Does it surge through you like my blood? I hope not. This is why.

I just want you to be OK

The reason I am meeting you tomorrow at exactly 7am is because you are going to be born via a scheduled c-section. But this isn’t planned because I have, well, planned it that way, rather it’s because you have decided that tomorrow is the right time for you to enter this world. 

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Even though you are not baked as long as I would have liked, our doctor has decided it’s safer to deliver you sooner rather than later. This is because for a little while now your movement has decreased and my blood pressure is also high. Some days it is scary and I rush to hospital fearing the worst. That your tiny hearts may have stopped beating and you’ve grown angel wings and left us …

But today I can feel you both, but again, this movement is intermittent and at times faint. I want to feel you! Know you are well and alive. Oh please just give me a big reassuring kick. I’ll even settle for a roll or nudge. I just need to know you are both OK in there. Give me a sign. I can’t bear counting down the hours without one … Thank you! I felt that!

I am also scared because …

I don’t feel ready to be a mother of three, and yet you can’t wait for me any longer to catch up to you. You want to come. You’ve decided.

But I am scared I won’t manage. Two newborns and a preschooler. THREE kids! That’s two more hungry little bellies screaming for my nourishment, two more little loves needing my attention, as well as a preschooler who will need to feel reassured that she’s not less in my or her daddy’s heart because of you.

Will I cope? Will I ever be able to leave the house?

pregnant woman 2

Will I be as good a mum to you?

I also am scared I may not be as good a mother to you as I am to your big sister (who is so looking forward to meeting you too, she’s even put her favourite dolls in your little beds pretending they are you.) I mean, how can I divide my love and attention three ways and not have anyone feel they are missing out?

Right now she’s is watering the plants outside with a her pink watering can and I feel so much. I want to press pause and have it just her and me for a little while longer. This is the calm before the storm. I want to savour the last little bit of ‘us’ time we have left.

OK, now I am crying. But these aren’t crazy pregnancy hormone tears. I think I am mourning the end of it being just the two of us. The end of a simpler time. Is that normal? 

Oh man, she has no idea, some idea, yes, but not really, of the enormous change coming her way. I also worry that she won’t love you, because maybe she will feel put out or jealous? Or that, gulp, I won’t love you guys as much as her, because I love her so very much … 

Did I just say that out loud? In my head I know I will love you as much. The heart just expands, right? But I just don’t know this firsthand in my heart yet and so I am afraid that I won’t.

But tomorrow I meet you

Tomorrow is coming. While on the one hand I am counting down the minutes just to know you are safe and alive, and also because I am so huge and uncomfortable that I can’t even sleep, or move without grunting.

On the other I want to hit the brake pedal. Slow everything down. Give myself some more time to just feel ready for you. But then, will I ever? 

Ready or not, you are coming. And you are coming tomorrow. Tomorrow I meet you!  

Newborn twins


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