To my firstborn, I’m scared I won’t love your new sibling as much as you

My little love, 

As you zoom your toy car over my bulbous pregnant belly like it’s a giant speed bump, I stroke your wispy toddler hair. Life is about to change for us both, and the very thought of that makes me a bit anxious.

You see, right now you are blissfully unaware of this tidal wave of change that’s coming your way. Right now it’s just you and me – as you’ve always known it. Soon your baby brother will be here though. How exciting! He’s almost baked! But there are some things I want you to know …

1. You are my greatest love

I’m sure when your baby brother arrives that my heart will explode all over again, but while your dad is my great love, you are my greatest. By this I don’t mean that I love your dad less, rather the love I have for you is beyond my understanding. I never knew I could love this much. Love so deeply, fiercely, powerfully and well, like a mother. So when this new little soul enters our lives, and Daddy and I are besotted with him, please know this: You are not less in our hearts.

2. I’m scared 

While I can’t wait to meet and hold your little brother (that newborn smell!), I’m also feeling a little scared. What If I don’t love him as much as I love you? Because really, is it even possible to love like that again? My heart surely can’t be big enough! Or is it? I don’t know yet.

I’m also frightened I won’t be able to cope with two bubbas. You are still in nappies and so, so needy. Your teeny tiny brother will be needier still. Will I be able to stretch far enough to meet both of your needs? I will be so tired, so rundown, and probably overwhelmed.   

I’ll also be in love. So in love.

But please, my little one, can you take it easy on me? Maybe you could toilet train at least?

3. You are about to get the best gift EVER

You don’t know it yet, but the ‘baby in Mummy’s tummy’ is actually for you. Daddy and I wanted to gift you a sibling even more than we wanted to have another baby for us – and believe me, that is a lot! We hope your brother will become your playmate, best friend, someone to grow up with and who will also have your back when, gulp, we’re no longer around. Because of this, this baby on the way is the best present we or Santa will ever, EVER give you. You just don’t know it yet.

4. I hope you don’t feel jealous

I know I’m going to be pulled in different directions. I know you won’t understand why I can’t build you a train track when I’m breastfeeding your brother, or why we have to leave the park for his day sleep. I will try to be aware of your feelings but I hope you don’t resent him, or me. 

5. I want to make the most of our ‘us’ time

As I countdown the weeks until your brother to arrives, I want to spend as much quality time with just you as I can, my love. I’m mourning the loss of a simpler time when it was just the two of us already and the baby hasn’t even been born yet!

I’m sure more joy and wonderfulness is coming our way, but right now I want us to bask in our ‘us time’.

So let’s take a stroller walk to the cafe now and I’ll buy you a babyccino. Maybe afterwards we can go to the beach and sift sand through our fingers. I know you enjoy that. And I do too, because you do.

I love you, my little one. So, so very much.