“I didn’t fart”: 17 things I no longer believe now that I’m a parent

Posted in Family.

One of the most well-kept secrets of parenthood is the lies you tell your children, and the lies you accept from your children.

Look, someone made a meme about it: 

For real.

Posted by Scary Mommy Tweens & Teens on Wednesday, 12 December 2018

Okay, let’s call them white lies. That sounds more harmless …

Here’s some of the best as told to or by parents. And grandparents and neighbours, and … (well, you get the picture!): 

1. “Sleep-ins exist”

They don’t. Sleep-ins fall into the category of fantasy once you’ve had kids.

2. “They were angels”

Usually said by grandparents when you ask them if the kids behaved themselves. Watch how quickly they usher you out the front door before you believe it, though. A speedy slam is a dead-set giveaway.

3. “I will get to that laundry/ironing/cleaning/tonight”

Once you’re a parent nothing of value happens after the kids are asleep. NOTHING.

4. “I’ll be 30 minutes”

That’s something I’ve said leaving the house, knowing full well it was going to be more like two hours.

5. “I packed that away”

They didn’t. It’s still there, but you both know you don’t have time to go back and check.

6. “I didn’t hit him”

She did.

7. “I wiped my bum/washed my hands”

Let’s not talk about how we know when those things don’t happen. But we KNOW.

8. “They only watched TV for half an hour. The rest of the time we played outside.”

Usually, your partner says this when you’ve gone out for “half an hour”. (see #1)

9. “I don’t need to go to the toilet”

Bald-faced lie this one. They always do. Every time. Just not until you’re at least ten minutes down a freeway. 

10. “We don’t hear anything from your place”

Usually said by the neighbours. It’s a lie. They do hear. EVERYTHING. 

11. “I’m not tired”

Usually said by a small person who’s having trouble keeping their eyes open and yawning every five seconds.

12. “I didn’t eat that lolly off the floor”

Why are your hands and face sticky then? 

13. “I didn’t fart”

The aroma in the room suggests otherwise.

14. “I’m not going to buy the kids anymore presents”

Usually said by the person smuggling something into the bottom of the Aldi bag. 

15. “They were asleep by 8pm”

Often said by your partner when everyone really stayed up and watched the iPad until mere moments before you got home -at 12am.

16. “I only ate one”

This one is uttered in regards to foods made almost 100 percent from sugar. They did not in fact just eat one, they ate heaps. Loads. They’ll be up for hours.

17. “It gets better”

Okay, so it does. This one is tricky. But the hardness doesn’t go away. The old type of hardness is replaced by a new type of hardness, a hardness you can handle, because you’re better at this than when you began. Or at least, you can spot the lies.

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