We are all perfect parents before we actually have children.
Fast forward to now and the things we expected are almost laughable. So come and share a giggle at some of the most ridiculous promises we made to ourselves before having children.
I had big plans for my kids. They would only wear matching outfits. They would sleep through the night, in their own rooms from day one. They would be reading and writing before they turned three. They would be scouted for the Socceroos by the time they turned ten.
And I would breeze through it all, without a kilo of weight gain, without a hint of grey hair and without a single wrinkle. I would still be the life of the party. I would still travel. And I would still make plans at the drop of a hat. And, of course, my relationship with my husband wouldn’t change at all.
Well, old self, what do you have to say now? How many of these parenting promises have you failed to keep?
My children will not use a dummy.
Dummies cause poor habits, poor sleep and poor oral hygiene. But they also prevent mums from making a bee-line for the door the moment their partners come home from work just so they can take a break from being a human pacifier.
My children will only eat healthy food.
I’m talking additive-free, preservative-free and made-from-scratch, super foods each and every meal. And absolutely no take-away, ever.
I’m throwing doughnuts at my old self right now. Double chocolate, custard-filled, sprinkled doughnuts.
My children will not sleep in my bed.
Co-sleeping makes it harder to sleep train your baby. Meh. Nothing beats night time baby cuddles and actually sleeping more than 40 minutes at a time. Child One entered our bed by night two. With Child Two, we didn’t even pull the bassinet out of storage.
Take that, former self.
My children will not tantrum in public.
My children will never eat in the car/on the lounge/in our bed.
The stains on the car seat, the crumbs hidden under our lounge room rug and the chocolate biscuit wrapper stuffed behind our bed tell a different story.
I will limit my children’s screen time to 30 minutes or less a day.
“And there is no way my children will ever use my tablet and phone,” said the mum who can name every single Disney/Pixar movie ever made, has over 100 kids apps on her iPad and 250 selfies of her child’s eye on her iPhone.
My children will never use violence to solve their problems.
No hitting, no punching, no scratching, and certainly no biting.
Oh please. Bite me, old self.
My children will be well-behaved at all times.
Because apparently I will be giving birth to one of the Flanders boys.
I will not yell at my children.
I will not swear in front of my children.
Nice try again.
I will not drink alcohol in front of my children.
Wine isn’t alcohol. It’s magic fruit. And no, you cannot have any of mummy’s magic fruit.
I will never let my child go out in public without being fully clothed and cleaned.
“Because, seriously, how hard is it to wipe your child’s face and make sure he is wearing two socks that match?” said my former self.
It’s next to impossible, okay. Now a successful morning is one where at least one child is wearing underwear.
What promises did you make pre-kids that now leave you laughing at your former self?