Quite frequently I am asked if I am going to have any more children. I always reply I don’t think so. Two is more than enough and I’ve been extremely fortunate with my conceptions, pregnancies and births and I want to end on a high thanks. I have all I need. I have this feeling I don’t want to “jinx” anything by having a third. I don’t want to spoil this amazing thing we have going on. I can quite confidently say I’m done.
This is then usually followed with “Don’t you want to try for a girl?” No, I don’t. Is having a girl the prize all women desperately want? By the frequency at which I get asked this question, it appears so. I get asked this question TOO much as a mum of two boys you wouldn’t believe.
I’ve had people say “Have you heard she’s having a girl? I’m SO pleased for her.” Wow. Just be pleased she’s lucky enough to be pregnant and healthy.
Is it because we are all searching for that ‘mini-me’?
Is it because we played with dolls growing up and now we get a real-life princess?
Is it because we think we will get a best friend for life? Is it because people have the old fashion thought that you ‘lose your sons to their wives’? Please!
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Instagram can make you think you need things. To be cooler, more fashionable, more beautiful, happier. Truth is you don’t need anything. Except this. You need this. You need love and smiles. You need positive messages. You need to live in the real world. You need to not worry about what they’ve got and focus on what you’ve got or what you want. You need to be individual, true to yourself, have your own vibe. You will never, ever be happy chasing someone else’s ideal. Someone else’s fashion. Someone else’s life. Live yours, find yours and you won’t worry about any one else’s. Get to this place and jumpsuits as seen on XYZ will mean nothing to you. 😉
Is it because having a girl means getting to do girly stuff – helping her plan her wedding for example. You’ll miss out on that. No, I won’t. If I had a daughter she might not want to get married or she might want to elope at Gretna Green and wear a catsuit. My son might want a husband; my son might even want to wear the big white dress. I’m game if you are boys. My son might have a partner who lets me come dress shopping, she might not have her own mother around, she, as I said might even be a he. You don’t know what the future holds. What your children will grow up to be like.
I read a blog post recently about someone being upset they were having another boy and “saw her visions of planning a wedding with her daughter slip away”. This blogger has since gone on to have a girl and I REALLY hope her daughter grows up, runs away to Vegas and gets married by Elvis without even telling her Mum. I mean, how awful that you have already put your child into a box and planned a life for them before they are even here. These are the type of mothers who will force their opinions, ideas, dreams onto their children rather than letting them choose their own path. Just saying.
This question – “Don’t cha want a girl?” – Is assuming this certain path for a daughter. A daughter is a gateway to a great relationship with any future grandchildren. No again. If I had a daughter she might not want children; my son might want 10 and be a stay at home Dad. My boys have a fantastic relationship with my mother in law. Nobody knows what our children will turn out like. Boy or girl. Willy or not. Nobody has a crystal ball. The world is changing and I’m excited about it. Being a girl once might have meant staying at home and raising a family – but not anymore.
Being a ‘boy Mum’ has made me cooler. More chilled out. I’ve had to be – there is currently a snail living on my dining room table. I’m less precious. Don’t worry I haven’t missed out on ‘girly stuff’ – I’ve painted my son’s nails. He loved it. He wears pink. We’ve watched Frozen. I’m absolutely not ‘missing out’ on anything.
I don’t think I’m missing this most special of bonds that mother and daughters have. My relationship with my boys is great and I will make sure it is for as long as I live. The gender doesn’t somehow divide us. Gender may divide lots of things – most that it shouldn’t- like wages. But it won’t decide the relationship I have with my children. Boy or girl I would like to hope I would have a special relationship with my children and remain close.
I found out the gender of both my babies at private scans. Not because I cared, because I was impatient. And I hate surprises. I mean I like surprises if it is A TOTAL surprise, but I hate when I know one is coming. Like when someone says, “I’ve got a surprise for you”- Brill. Now tell me what it is. Obviously, there was no way having a baby could be a total surprise (although Sonia in Eastenders), so I HAD to know. Second time around I wanted to be able to tell my eldest what was coming. I wanted to tell him he was having a little brother.
When we found out we were having a boy second time round too – lots of people assumed I would go on to ‘try for a girl’ because, obviously I must want a girl. Believe it or not- the third baby might be a boy too you know!
Maybe it is because I am a girl’s girl that I get asked this question so frequently. I like clothes, I like makeup, I like shopping – I MUST want to share this with a mini-me daughter. I must want to have tea parties, play dress up and bake cakes. When Victoria Beckham had Harper after her three boys- the headlines read ‘The Girl She longed for’.
Shockingly, I do all these ‘girly’ things with my two boys and I have friends with girls who are not interested in this kind of stuff and love jumping in the mud. It seems the ‘Don’t cha want a girl?’ question is loaded with old-fashioned attitudes and with questions like this flying about is there any wonder the gender gap exists. It is thought-provoking that most of the time it is, in fact, women who ask this question. I’ll just leave that there.
I wonder if Mums to girls get asked the same question as much. I bet they don’t. I don’t think women are asked if they want a boy. But I think the dads do. Don’t you want a boy after your two girls? To play football with, to have a beer with? Like, as if you can’t do that with a girl. Eye roll. I suppose it is only natural to assume that men want boys and women want girls. It is not called the battle of the sexes for nothing. But you know what? I am LOVING learning about the opposite sex. Having my two boys has made me understand men a bit more. And Dad of Mad Lads who grew up with three sisters is enjoying this relationship that he never, himself, got to experience.
I am distinctly outnumbered in my house – even the dog is a boy. Will I lose my femininity? Will I end up wearing practical trainers and a practical warm jacket to watch rugby matches in the cold? You can bet I will source the chicest Ski jacket for those tasks- do not worry. Will I be envious of the Mums inside while their girls do Ballet? Have you heard of Billy Elliot?
Once upon a time, in royalty, a son was deemed the ultimate prize. An heir to the throne. Now, it seems, with more equality for women than ever (but still some work to do), we want even more of us to run the world. Are men becoming the lesser sex? Will we get beheaded if we produce a boy? It seems gender preference is still a ‘thing’.
Next time you feel like asking if someone wants a girl – think about why you feel the need to ask that question in the first place. My two, gorgeous, caring, loving, happy little boys are more than enough.