What kid doesn’t love staying at Grandma’s where chores are for suckers and lollies abound?
The ten commandments
All those strict rules your mum grew up with have flown out the window because Grandma considers her parenting duties are done and dusted. Now she gets to spoil her favourite grandchildren and undo all the hard work your mum does to raise you right.
When you go to Grandma’s, there are 10 commandments you must live by. But don’t worry – you’re gonna love ‘em.
1. Cake is a basic food group
Cake is good for you. There are grains (wheat flour) for energy, dairy (milk and butter) for healthy bones, protein (eggs) for strong muscles … and everyone knows that a little brown sugar makes children sweet! Have a big piece, and then have some more. Grandma just wants you to grow up to be big and strong.
2. It’s not bedtime! That clock is broken.
Never mind that it’s been working perfectly for over 40 years. Grandma never get to spend quality time with her favourite grandchildren and she’s not letting a pesky thing like bedtime get in the way. If she says the clock is broken and there’s still an hour till bedtime, then you’d better listen to her. You wouldn’t want to disrespect your elders, would you? Now sit back, relax and have another piece of cake.
3. What your mum doesn’t know won’t hurt her
This rule is also known as ‘What happens at Grandma’s stays at Grandma’s.’ It’s not lying per se – it’s just neglecting to share information that might upset your mum unnecessarily. She’s been quite stressed with work lately and we wouldn’t want to worry her more, would we? It’s for her own good. So, the cake and bedtime … they can just stay between us.
4. Screen time? What’s that?
Grandma’s old and she doesn’t understand this newfangled technology very well. If you tell her that thing you’re playing violent video games on ISN’T a screen, then she’ll have to take your word for it. She’s just an old fuddy-duddy who hasn’t kept up with the times, so she’s grateful that you can explain it all. You, young people, are so clever these days … Wow, that game looks like it takes a lot of energy to play. Would you like some more cake?
5. Snack bar open 24 hours
You’ve had enough cake, you say? No worries – Grandma’s fridge and pantry are full of delicious food that’s available to munch on 24/7 without any reproaches. Would you like some yummy biscuits or lollies? Or should Grandma whip you up a quick lasagne? OK, sweetheart, you just let Grandma know when you’re hungry again and she’ll make you whatever you feel like.
6. Ask and you shall receive
And we don’t just mean food. If we go to the shops and you see an expensive toy you’ve asked your mum to buy you 27 times but she keeps saying no, you let Grandma know. She never gets the chance to spoil her favourite grandchildren. We can just tell your mum it’s an early birthday present. Or we can keep it hidden at Grandma’s in accordance with Rule Number Three.
7. You can eat your veggies tomorrow
It’s dinnertime! Grandma’s conveniently placed all your veggies to the side of your plate so you can completely avoid eating them if you don’t feel like it. Grandma doesn’t believe in turning the dinner table into a war zone. Just eat what you feel like and you can eat your mum’s soggy carrots tomorrow.
8. Dessert can come before dinner
Based on Rules Number One and Six, if you ask for cake before dinner, Grandma is obliged to say yes.
9. Chores schmores
Between school, soccer, watching TV, harassing your siblings and doing all those chores your mother imposes on you, you must be exhausted! When you come to Grandma’s, she just wants you to rest. Don’t worry about helping around the house – she’s got it covered. You just enjoy your cake and not-screen.
10. None of the regular rules apply
In case Grandma’s first nine rules didn’t make this crystal clear, let me spell it out for you: you don’t have to do ANYTHING your parents ask you to do at home. You don’t even have to say “please” or “thank you”. Grandma gets it – being polite is tiring. You just grunt “cake” and she’ll bring you some more.
Love you, Pumpkin.