Sensitive IVF Conversations: 6 Things Not to Say
The journey of in vitro fertilisation (IVF) can be a very challenging one, involving a range of emotions. This process can feel like a rollercoaster ride filled with highs and lows, stress and uncertainty. As countless injections and medical appointments take centre stage, life can feel suspended. Amid this chaos, even well-meaning family members and friends can struggle to find appropriate words. Some comments are hurtful and not helpful. Here’s an extensive guide on what to avoid saying to someone who is going through IVF. It also includes practical tips for how to help them.
1. You need to relax
Relaxation may seem easy, but it is nearly impossible during IVF. Imagine your daily schedule being dictated by injections, medical tests, and scans. From hormone injections, to egg collection, to embryo transfer and then to pregnancy tests, each step feels like it’s a countdown. Each moment can be filled with anxiety, as the emotional strain is intense. The simple act of telling someone to relax can be a way of dismissing their true feelings.
Consider acknowledging their difficulty instead of suggesting relaxation. Saying something like “I can imagine how stressful it must be for your.” can comfort them without putting additional pressure on their emotional state. You can reduce their stress by offering to do a particular task like cooking or running errands.
2. “Everything happens for a reason”
This phrase can come across as a platitude, which is often unhelpful or even hurtful. In reality, there are many reasons why IVF can succeed or fail. These reasons cannot be summarized in a single sentence. Hearing that “everything has a purpose” can make someone feel as if their pain is invalidated. This implies that the pain they are experiencing is justified or a part of some grand plan. It can be frustrating to someone who’s just trying to get through their journey.
Focus on being present instead of making comments. Saying “I am here for you and I’m willing to listen to you if you wish to discuss it” allows them to share their feelings, without you imposing your perspective. Recognizing that life can be unfair at times may provide the validation needed.
3. What Will Be Will Be
This expression is similar to the comment above, and suggests that acceptance can be difficult to achieve when going through IVF. It may seem dismissive to tell someone that they should accept the outcome, regardless of what it is. IVF is a deeply personal experience that often involves significant emotional investment. The stakes are high and the outcome is not only about medical procedures, but also about what it means to become a parent.
You can comfort someone by saying, “It is understandable that you feel overwhelmed.” You can tell them that you are there for them no matter what. This will allow them to express their emotions without feeling pressured to accept the situation. Knowing that someone is aware of the emotional impact can be a great comfort.
4. Have you tried …”?
Although suggestions are made out of a genuine desire to help others, they may be overwhelming for someone who is already dealing with a multitude of treatments and advice. Many people who are undergoing IVF will have tried acupuncture and meditation as well as various diets. However, nothing worked. These types of advice may inadvertently increase their stress levels and make them feel inferior for not finding a solution themselves.
Ask them how they feel or what support they need. Asking “Is there something I can do right now to help you?” is more helpful than suggesting additional stressors. It creates an environment where people can express their feelings without being judged or pushed to accept new advice.
5. “I know a friend who …”
Although it’s common to hear stories of success from others who have battled infertility issues, these anecdotes may feel more alienating rather than reassuring. Sharing someone else’s IVF success may inadvertently lead to unrealistic expectations or pressure. Unintentionally, this comment may make the recipient feel that their struggles or results are not as valid.
It’s better to accept someone else’s success without comparing it. It’s okay for them to share their success story, but you can say “I’m here with you on your journey.” You’ll then be able to focus the conversation back on each person’s individual feelings and experience. You can also ask them about their journey by asking, “How has it been for you?” “I’d love more information about it.”
6. Kids Aren’t the End and Be-All
This comment may seem dismissive to someone who is deeply motivated to become a parent. It’s obvious that a person who is considering IVF values the journey to parenthood. Saying that “kids aren’t everything” may come across as trivializing the dreams of those who are pursuing IVF.
Saying something like “It is normal for you to want to become a parent” will remind them that they are not alone. You are not being minimized when you acknowledge that your feelings matter. You could also ask them what they hope for the future. This can allow them to share their dreams and desires.
What IVF Moms Want to Hear
Let’s talk about what you can say now that we have covered what to avoid saying. Consider the following suggestions if you are unsure how to help someone who is going through IVF:
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Be open to their feelings
Asking them what they are feeling and needing from you is one of the most important questions you can ask. Each IVF journey will be different and a friend may need to vent their frustrations or fear. Listen without judging. You can encourage them to speak by saying, “I am here to listen if you want to talk or just hang out.”
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Follow Their Lead
Ask questions and engage them if they wish to share their experience. Show genuine interest in the journey. If they appear to be trying to keep their journey private, you should respect that while remaining available. It’s enough to be present. Simple texts like “I’m Thinking of You” can show that you care.
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Validate their Emotions
It is important to acknowledge their feelings. It can be helpful to validate someone’s feelings by saying, “I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you.” Or “It is okay to feel upset over this.” It can be comforting to know that another person understands your pain. Share that you’re there for them to create a bond of support.
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Offer Support in a Practical Way
Offer to assist with daily tasks if appropriate. You can help them by providing tangible support, whether it is running errands or cooking meals. It might be helpful to ask, “Would you like me to pick up your groceries?” This shows you are willing and able tto take action for them. Specificity in your offer can help them accept the help.
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Communication is key
Encourage them to tell you about their experiences and let them understand that it is okay to feel whatever they are feeling. Maintaining an open communication line is important, whether it’s about joy or sadness. You can say “I want to make you feel comfortable with sharing anything, no matter what.” This will create a safe space where they can express themselves freely.
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Be there for them
What IVF warriors need is a friend to stand by them in thick and thin. You can comfort them by reassuring them that you are there for whatever happens. It can be incredibly comforting to say, “I am here for you. Whatever you need.” The knowledge that someone will listen to them or provide support can be a life-changing experience.
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Understanding the emotional landscape of IVF
Understanding the emotional landscape of someone who is going through IVF will help you better support them. IVF is more than a medical procedure; it’s an emotional journey that involves a range of complex emotions, such as hope, fear and disappointment.
The IVF process can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions for many people. From the excitement at the beginning of treatment to the anxiety as they await test results, there are many different emotions. Understanding the emotional complexity of IVF can help you empathize better.
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Impact of Failed Cycles
Failed IVF can be devastating. Failed IVF cycles can be devastating. Each failed cycle can be more than a medical failure; it may also feel like the loss of dreams and hope. It’s important to give your friend space to grieve without judging them. Recognize that your friend may have bad and good days.
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The Importance Of Community
Finding a community of support can be valuable for many during their IVF journey. It can be friends, family or support groups that allow individuals to share their feelings and experiences. Encourage your friend to reach out for community support in person or online. This can help them gain additional understanding and comfort. Knowing that others have experienced similar struggles can be a huge comfort.
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Encourage Self-Care
IVF patients are prone to forgetting about their health.
Despite the stress of treatment and the focus on self-care, they should still take care of themselves. Encourage your friend’s participation in activities that will bring them relaxation, joy and a feeling of normality. Remind them to relax and enjoy nature or yoga. Self-care techniques like taking a stroll or soaking in a warm tub can provide much needed respite.
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Understanding Triggers
Some situations or conversations may trigger feelings of frustration or sadness in someone who is undergoing IVF. Avoid sensitive topics and be aware of this. It’s okay to ask if you are unsure of what may trigger them. It’s important to create an environment where your friend feels comfortable expressing their emotions. Being aware of your friend’s emotional state will help you guide your interactions and ensure they feel supported, rather than overwhelmed.
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Practicing Patience
IVF can be a long, arduous process that takes months or years. It is important to practice patience and be there for the ups and downs. A friend who is steadfast during this journey can be a great help. Tell your friend it’s okay if they take it one step at a time and that you will be there to support them.
Conclusion
IVF can be a difficult journey, involving emotional, physical and psychological challenges. It’s important to show empathy and understanding when approaching the situation, even if friends and family want to offer support. Avoiding certain phrases, instead providing support, validation and a listening ear can make a big difference to someone who is navigating this difficult journey.
Remember: Sometimes the best thing to do is just be there. Your presence, your understanding and your willingness to listen to others can be a great source of comfort and strength for someone who is going through a difficult time in their lives. Your support will make them feel less isolated in their journey and help them navigate the ups, downs and challenges of IVF.
It’s more than just saying the right things; being a friend who is supportive during this time means you are a constant source of support and understanding. Knowing that they have a true friend to support them as they navigate through the challenges of IVF can provide comfort and hope in the face of uncertainty. Your support will be instrumental in helping them achieve their goal of becoming parents, whether they succeed or fail.
