What to Do When Toddler Insists: Parenting Tips
In many Australian homes, toddlers who want to do it all themselves are shrieking. They get irritated when they’re denied their often messy/slow pleasure.
“I do it myself!”
This is normal, and it shows that your child is growing and developing.
What’s the less good news? Well. When your child is going through this stage, it can feel like a meltdown.
There are many things that parents can do to reduce the stress of living with an independent toddler.
Start with these five great places:
1. Extra time is required
Adding a 5-minute buffer to your schedule when you have to go out or accomplish something can be a great way to relieve stress.
It doesn’t necessarily mean everything will be perfect, but it might make you feel less stressed to know that you aren’t racing against the clock.
2. Create decoy activities
You can distract your toddler with an easier but still interesting task if you are doing an activity you know they will be eager to help with.
This may require a bit more planning, but the effort will be worth it. It could even become second nature, allowing your toddler to feel independent and still feel helpful.
3. Half the job
You and your child can share some tasks. You could, for example, ask your child to pick a cup while you pour the drink. You could put a half-sock on, and then they can pull it. If it makes sense, teamwork can make the dream come true, even if that takes a bit longer.
4. Choose from a range of options
You probably already know that giving your child options will help to avoid conflict.
Give your child options. “Would I like the green or blue cup?” “Would I like baked beans on my toast or an egg?” Giving them choices will help your child feel in control, and reduce the frustration that comes with being small.
5. Prepare to be confused
Your toddler may want to be treated as a big child right now, but it doesn’t mean that she will still be a baby when bedtime comes! As you navigate the ever-changing stage of childhood, be flexible, compassionate, and forgiving.
If none of these suggestions work with your toddler who is very helpful, remember that it won’t be this way forever.
It can be hard at times, but your child will soon be able to do more Big Kid stuff, and less likely to resist being helped when needed. You will both have made it through this crucial phase together.
Parenting expert Maggie Dent says that these difficult moments are normal and important for a child to develop their sense of individuality.
When things get difficult, don’t forget that you aren’t a bad parent. Things will improve. You will lose your temper – you may even want to throw a tantrum and act like a child at times.
You do it! If Your Child Asks You to Do Things for Them When They Can Do It Themselves
“Kids perform well when they are able” is a saying you may have heard. “[1] This idea is that kids who struggle are not doing so because they’re deliberately misbehaving, or refusing to cooperate. Either they lack the necessary skills or don’t know how to access them. In the first case, you might expect a two-year-old who is very active to sit in a restaurant happily for 30 minutes. It could be a four-year-old who, from a cognitive perspective, understands that hitting isn’t okay. When they feel a strong emotion, they let their lower self take over.
The expectation gap is what causes stress in families. Parents are frustrated constantly and children feel misunderstood if their unintentional behaviors are interpreted as bad behavior. The message is that they’re not good enough or capable. You can shift from frustration and anger to empathy by setting appropriate expectations. This will help you to find the best ways to support and love your child in tough times.
You might say to your child, “Your feelings were big enough that your body took action before your mind.” We can’t strike people because they have feelings. “Let’s get something to hit that is safe.”
Consider a situation in which a child loves to swim and has done so independently. One day, he gets scared and demands that Dad carry him into the water. Dad begins to coax his son and cheer him on. The child becomes more and more clingy. The child could swim by himself, but on this day, some older kids were being rambunctious, which was overwhelming and frightening for him. It is difficult for him to use his skills because of his discomfort. This understanding allows the father to support his son in getting into the swimming pool, and create a space for him where he can be alone away from other kids.
There are also situations in which children can succeed. The parents do things that the child can do for themselves. This creates a pattern of behavior that continues. For example, Evan, who is potty-independent at school, insists that his dads Glen and Ray stay with him in the bathroom and pull up his pants for him.
This difference in behavior is due to the way children perceive themselves and their abilities based on their relationships with others and the expectations that are inherent in these relationships. Teachers have age-appropriate, clear expectations for students in school. They want to develop children’s self-confidence and skills so that they can thrive in Kindergarten. Set kids up for success. They don’t do things that kids can do for themselves. Kids are allowed to learn these skills by setting limits. Teachers (and any other caregivers) who have set clear expectations will help kids to feel more competent and independent.
Glen and Ray know instinctively that this dynamic is not the best for Evan. He may want it, but he lacks the confidence to do this and other tasks of self-care independently. They don’t have a clue how to get him there. They’ve tried coaxing him, encouraging him, rewarding and gamifying. It hasn’t worked. It feels cruel to refuse him help. They are stuck.
We do the detective work to help Glen and Ray determine what they should do. What we know is:
- Evan is a skilled worker who can do the job on his own.
- It is important that he learn to toilet independently for his confidence and self-care.
- Evan might be associating being less competent with receiving more attention. This is a common phenomenon that I see in my practice. Kids believe/worry about the fact that acting more independent and competent might mean that they are less connected with their parents. They worry that if they act like adults and stop needing their parents, they will not get attention.
This helps Glen and Ray to develop a plan for recalibration of their relationship. They can show Evan how he can do his job (get dressed, and go to the toilet independently) and not have them do it for him. That way, they can spend more time doing fun activities that bond families. They’ll give him attention in a more healthy, developmentally appropriate way.
Glen and Ray explain to Evan that they will no longer be going into the bathroom with Evan; pottying should now be his responsibility. They tell Evan that they can add 15 minutes at bedtime to their routine because they’ll save so much time. Evan can decide whether he would like to spend more time reading or cuddling.
Evan threatens not to go to the bathroom at all. His dad doesn’t react. They say calmly that it’s up to him. It’s his body. They don’t comment when Evan does the potty dance, because Evan will usually dig in his heels if they suggest he use the bathroom at that time. When he realizes that his father is not allowing him to go to the bathroom, he finally starts to do it himself, banging the cabinet and the stool to show that he’s not happy. Greg and Ray have resisted the urge to correct Evan. They are aware that Evan is acting benignly. He isn’t doing any harm. He is just trying to get an immediate reaction. This would reinforce his unwanted behavior.
Greg and Ray say that Evan started going to the toilet on his own after their intervention. He did this not only in the morning but also at night. Previously, he had asked them for help. It’s even more shocking that he washes his hands on his own, without any prompting from them! Parents often report this phenomenon: they set a limit for their child after avoiding it for weeks, months, and sometimes even years. It changes the life of their child. Parents also say that they notice a big change in their child’s self-confidence and independence, which goes beyond any specific achievement. This reinforces the fact that their children are more capable and resilient than thought.
Greg and Ray then decide to use the same method to get Evan dressed, a task he is capable of doing by himself. He has two choices: 1) Get himself dressed in the clothes that he wants to take to school before they leave, or 2) Wear whatever he’s wearing to school when it is time to leave. He will always have an extra set in his bag that he can choose to wear at any time. His teacher has accepted this plan and agreed that he may change the school bathroom if he chooses. Many of my families use this strategy to change the dynamic in a matter of days. Once your child sees that you’re sticking to the plan, and are not engaged in a power struggle, he or she will adapt and reach a higher level.
This is the result, and it’s one of my favorites. The timer sounds to signal that it’s time to go (they use a visible timer so Evan can check it all morning). Evan is still wearing his pajamas. Evan asks Greg, as Greg begins to take him from the house to his car, “Is today pajama day?” Greg replies, “Nope buddy, it isn’t pajama day, just time to go.” Evan asks to change because he does not want to leave in his pajamas. Greg tells Evan he has five minutes to change, and Evan follows through. Since then, they haven’t engaged in a dressing-up battle.
You might be wondering why they let Evan change his mind after the timer went off. This is a very important question. When you begin to stretch limits, your children will quickly take control and no longer respect boundaries. We want to give them a chance to decide for themselves. After working with many families, I’ve come to the following conclusion. To keep parents in control, I recommend they set up a visual alarm to give a five-minute warning. For example, at 8:25, if you need to leave by 8:30, this first alarm/beep marks the start of the “last-chance period” for parents to finish any last-minute tasks before they leave for school.
