Regulating one’s emotions does not come easily when you have a small undeveloped brain telling you that you are the centre of the universe. For toddlers, the triggers for a rage attack are many, varied and often-times random. In fact, if toddlers came with a soundtrack it would be the opening music to Rage.
Here are 24 ways you can unintentionally enrage your toddler:
1. Give him the red cup
Don’t you know that the colour of the cup SIGNIFICANTLY alters the taste of the beverage?
2. Give him the blue cup
Nope. Wrong again.
3. Give him the cup
Um, hello! He wants to drink his juice out of a bowl today, how did you not figure that out?
4. Make him get dressed
Are you a sadist? Making him get dressed before he leaves the house??? It’s an OUTRAGE!!!
5. He’s agreed to get dressed but now you won’t let him wear a shoelace as a belt over his singlet as a dress
I mean, what’s your problem, lady? It’s a perfectly appropriate outfit for the middle of winter.
6. Not let him paint the car window with a piece of ham
Why can’t he just cover the window in a film of ham fat? What’s it to you?
7. Put him in the car seat
The car seat is like the elaborate torture method in a Bond film; the one that’s just been extravagantly demonstrated by the villain. So when you go to place your toddler in the car seat, it’s like he’s about to be plunged into a pit of flesh-eating piranhas. No! NOOO NOOOOOOO!
8. Strap him into the stroller
Again with the five-point restraints. Is there no end to this TORTURE!!!
9. Strap him into the high chair
Life is just an endless parade of chairs with five-point restraints. He WILL break free from your chains. Oh yes, he will break free.
10. Confiscate the sweaty piece of cheese he’s been carrying around for five hours
No he doesn’t want to eat it … YET. But he DOES want to keep it clutched in his fist for another three days in case he wants it on Friday. Why can’t you just LET HIM BE!!
11. Cut the sandwich into triangles
We already went through this with the red cup, blue cup thing.
12. Cut the sandwich into squares
Nope. Wrong again.
13. Cut the sandwich
Um, HELLO!!! He wanted to eat it whole, this time, like a dinosaur. You really are not paying attention to what is inside his brain.
14. Don’t cut the sandwich
Your bad: he wanted it cut. Yep just changed his mind as you were passing over that third sandwich: the one that you didn’t cut.
15. Leave the play date without giving warnings at five minute calls that you were going to be leaving soon
I know you gave warnings every 10 minutes, but this time he needed them at five minute intervals. So now this is happening: he’s going to scream blue murder all the way home.
16. Put his pyjamas on
Pyjamas? At bedtime? THIS IS A COMPLETELY NEW AND UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT!
17. Take his pyjamas off the following morning
AGAIN. STOP AMBUSHING HIM WITH THIS STUFF! Not even the singlet dress with the shoelace belt will sate his rage this time.
18. Put him in the bath
Another Bond film-worthy torture method. No, NO NOOOOOOO!
19. Get him out of the bath
20. Wipe his dirty face
He was keeping that film of mango flecks FOR LATER!!!
21. Not let him shoplift a packet of denture cream from Woolworths
He doesn’t care if it’s not his, he wants it, he’s not letting go of it and you’re putting it through the checkout with all the other groceries.
22. Stop him from patting his new friend The GIANT BLACK SPIDER
Honestly, you are. Such. A. BUZZKILL!
23. Take the iPad away
Why would you do that? Why, God WHYYYY??? He’ll never get over it.
24. Kindly request that he stop taking 2051 random selfies and give you your phone back
It is HIS BIRTHRIGHT to fill your phone with random useless selfies of his face.