The Necessity of Tantrums in Early Childhood
Oh, the tantrum. There is nothing quite like this reality of parenting to have you wishing to all the gods in the land that your kid could just be over this already.
A 101 on Tantrums
But what if I told you that the pain of the tantrum was just a story concocted by our parenting pop culture? What if, instead, you knew the real truth behind the tantrum – that it is essential to the growth and development of your child’s brain and sense of self?
Here’s everything you need to know about tantrums so that both you and your child not only survive the tantrum, but also thrive because of it …
1. Tantrums Teach Self-regulation
Children need to practice coming completely unglued and then calming down, literally thousands of times over their first 10-15 years so that their brains can wire up in a manner that allows them to become capable of self-regulation – the capacity to settle their big feelings on their own.
This flows from something called Hebb’s Law which is basically that “neurons that fire together, wire together.” It means that practice makes perfect. So, bring on the tantrums!
2. Tantrums Are Not Wilful
Behavior always has a purpose. Sometimes I hear about people trying to differentiate between tantrums and meltdowns, painting the tantrum as the evil twin of the more innocent meltdown. I call foul on this.
The science of child development does not support this distinction. It is all the same and comes from a child who is under-resourced and can no longer hang on to themselves in a given moment.
3. Tantrums Signal Your Child Has Hit Their Limit
Sometimes children become under-resourced and have a tantrum because they are simply just done. They are tired or overwhelmed or hungry or cold or … BLAH! And that is that. The next moment that they have to manage themselves around anything that doesn’t go as perfectly as the way they need it to, there will be a meltdown.
Even adults melt down in these kinds of situations. Embrace this. It is a beautiful opportunity to develop the capacity for internal self-regulation. After all, you’ve gotta get those thousands of reps in somehow.
4. Lack of Guidance Can Spark Tantrums
Other times children become under-resourced because they are young and they really do need guidance and leadership, which isn’t always available to them. This can happen because we as parents are busy and overwhelmed in our day-to-day lives, or for deeper-reaching reasons that have us as parents taking a bit of a back seat when it comes to being a safe and nurturing guide for our children.
Either way, we have to accept responsibility for what is ours and find ourselves capable in the driver’s seat of growing our children and ourselves.
5. The Narratives Around Tantrums Should be Ignored
It is all a story. Much of the pop culture of parenting that drives us in terms of how we think we ought to be responding to our children is derived from our narratives.
This story comes out of generations of big people who have been too overwhelmed by their children to make sense of what is happening during a tantrum. And so we’ve concocted phrases such as ‘the terrible twos’ and the ‘*$#@in’ fours’ and this ridiculous distinction between tantrums and meltdowns, and all the other stories that have us feeling okay about squashing our children’s tantrums because they. Are. Intolerable!
But what if you had a different story, such as the one outlined in points 1-4 above? Tantrums are normal, healthy, and in fact, essential to healthy development. Try that story on for size and see how it changes your perspective.
We may find that we dread our child’s tantrum – whether it’s because it stirs something up inside of us, humiliates us, or leaves us feeling powerless as a parent. But when we change our lens on this meltdown and recognise that a tantrum is really an opportunity to practice co-regulation with trusted big people, suddenly it doesn’t seem like such a personal attack at all.
A tantrum does not mean that you have failed as a parent – it is simply one of those necessary thousands of ‘reps’ that must be done to ensure a strong and developed brain.
How to Manage Tantrums?
We live on Saturdays in my house. It’s the only morning that a few significant things happen: endless kiddo snuggles, cartoons, and coffee in a mug instead of a travel tumbler. Perhaps the most important, though, is: PANCAKES. My boys eat those things up in .4 seconds. -They are somehow gone before they even hit the plate. So you may understand my surprise when my oldest son, who was 2 at the time, lost his mind with a tantrum when I cut his pancake into pieces without warning him (rookie mistake). I’m not talking whining and complaining. I’m talking on-the-floor, shortness-of-breath-from-crying-so-hard kind of tantrum.
I know I am not alone when discussing the nonsensical triggers to tantrums. There are entire web pages of parents sharing “ridiculous” and “hilarious” reasons why children throw tantrums. So, since tantrums are inevitable and cannot always be prevented (see How to Prevent Tantrums at Target) I will discuss with you ways to manage them and teach skills in the process.
Here’s the thing about temper tantrums: they are often involuntary. Yes, sometimes children may choose to have a tantrum to get what they want. But, most of the time, they are a result of the very big feelings that kids experience without the ability to regulate them.
We now have decades of brain research that is informing us of ways to parent according to our children’s developing brains. So, when your child is having (“throwing” assumes intentional action) a tantrum, this brain science is teaching parents how to intervene in a way that acknowledges the neurological functions and needs of children.
Let’s discuss a few of the brain mechanics that are at play during tantrums.
Connect and Redirect:
If we calmly speak the emotional language children are experiencing in the right brain during tantrums, our chance of having a (short-term and long-term) happy ending increases significantly. When children feel as though they are seen and understood, they are automatically soothed and comforted. Parents must connect with their children and their emotions before they do or say anything else. Then, and (almost) only then will they be able to receive and understand the logic or lesson that will follow.
This receptive state allows parents to then redirect their behavior effectively. If we try to redirect (apply logic, rationalize, teach a lesson) while a child is dysregulated, we will be 99% ineffective. But, if we connect first and then redirect next, their right and left brains will be integrated and they will be receptive to our redirection. At that point, lessons can be learned, behaviors can be redirected, and new skills can be acquired.
Right Brain/Left Brain:
When children experience strong emotions on the right side of their brain, the logic on the left side of their brain is inaccessible. So, when a child feels something strongly, he is unable to rationalize it. So, that Saturday morning, my son was unable to think to himself:
Even if I told him those logical conclusions, it wouldn’t register or soothe him because, during his intense emotions, logic was nowhere to be found. What he needed in that moment was for me to calmly interact with the right side of his brain, where his emotions are. He needed me to speak the language he was feeling. “Oh wow, you must be frustrated. I can see that you’re having a hard time. I know you are feeling angry.”
Teaching Immediate & Lifelong Skills
We don’t need brain research to know that emotions develop early on in children’s development. The limbic system, namely the amygdala, is the integrative center responsible for emotions and emotional behaviors. We can thank the amygdala for the strong feelings that children express during tantrums. It does not take much work to stimulate these feelings, but it does take a lot of work to manage them well. That is where caregivers come in. Parents, teachers, and therapists have the opportunity to teach children the lifelong skill of regulating their emotions well. More on that next.
The most complex brain functions are housed in the prefrontal cortex. This is where executive functions occur, including sustained attention, planning, inhibition, and organization, to name a few. Since the prefrontal cortex is under construction until the early-to-mid twenties, children have little capability for impulse control, emotional regulation, and problem-solving, which fly out the window during tantrums.
Children require guidance to utilize their executive functions and to do that well.
During a tantrum, once parents have connected with and soothed their children, they have the opportunity to help them engage their prefrontal cortex by reflecting on the tantrum. This may include asking questions such as, “What do you think went wrong? What can you do differently next time? How can you ask for what you want? How can you let me know what you need?” This pattern of connecting and redirecting is another form of brain integration just occurring in another part of the brain. Regardless of tantrums, the more opportunities parents have to teach these executive functioning skills, the more lifelong benefits children will have.
Calm is Key
One of the hardest but most important elements during tantrums is for parents to keep their cool. It is up to parents to calm the dysregulated child so that he feels safe, soothed, and secure. Only then will he or she be in a receptive state rather than a reactive state? If parents react emotionally, the child’s tantrum will escalate. But, if parents can be a grounding, soothing presence, the child’s tantrum will decrease. So, I encourage parents to do whatever it takes to manage themselves while dealing with their child’s tantrums. Sometimes the deep breaths that parents are modeling are just as much for them as their child!
Parenting and disciplining according to your child’s developing brain requires intentionality and patience but can have lifelong benefits. Although it’s difficult when children seem to lose their minds during tantrums, we have the opportunity to help them find it by intervening calmly and purposefully.
Feeling Better Together
We’ve all had a bad day at work and returned home stressed and tired. You put some leftovers into the microwave. You drop the bowl when it is hotter than you expected, destroying your dinner and any remaining calm. The dropped bowl finally breaks you after holding it all together for the day. It’s a total body dysregulation. You cry, get angry, or yell and your brain breaks down as you lose control.
Your child is having a tantrum. This is what you are experiencing. You might feel better after a hug from your partner, but hugging right before preparing dinner – as soon as you entered the house – could have saved you the tears and anger of being pushed beyond your limits.
