Post-Motherhood: Reclaiming Your Sense of Self
A baby can consume you. It can be hard to get back to yourself when you are lost in the smiles of your baby and unable to sleep. Sallyanne Hartnell works as a relationship coach for women. She believes becoming a mom can be the next stage in your development. Sallyanne shares how to take time to reflect and find a better sense of yourself after motherhood.
Discovering Yourself after Motherhood: Identity and Following Your Passions
What you’ll learn
Many moms feel a loss of identity after having a child. The free time is filled with household chores and responsibilities. We deserve more – creativity, time to ourselves and the permission to be who you want to be. It’s not easy to rediscover yourself after motherhood, but it’s worth it.
Finding a New Passion After Motherhood
I remember feeling that motherhood changed my identity completely. Overnight, my identity changed. I was no longer able to follow my old values or interests. My professional and personal lives were put on hold.
As it is for most mothers, I went through a period of major transition. I felt that everything had changed and nothing was familiar or comfortable. While I loved being a mom, something felt missing. This can make mothers feel guilty as if they aren’t allowed to want more than their role as parents.
It wasn’t until several years later when I experienced my postpartum depression breakdown-turned-breakthrough and realized that the perfect mother myth was holding me back, that I started returning to myself.
A part of it involved creating this podcast and focusing my attention on building a successful business. But another part of it was embracing something creative that I never even knew I enjoyed–photography.
It was an accident that I came across while I was editing Instagram photos. And I fell in love. It was the first time I had ever considered myself creative. But it ignited something that I needed in me and a passion that I still cherish.
When I first heard about Eve’s new book Find Your Unicorn Space I was immediately drawn to it. Eve has previously been on the podcast discussing divisions of labour.
She discovered through interviews and research that mothers all over the world were experiencing the same thing: feeling constrained by motherhood but unable to give themselves permission for more.
I was thrilled to talk with Eve about the importance of moms having time to explore their passions, pursue creativity and find something new.
How Intensive Mothering Has Created a Crisis For Moms
Eve knew for years that moms are on the brink of a crisis. In her interviews with high-ranking working moms in various countries, Eve heard that they felt restricted to being parents, partners and professionals.
This identity crisis was brought to a head by the pandemic. We’re now carrying more work than ever. It’s led to moms’ mental health struggles, burnout and, for many, a realization of how things need to be changed.
Eve reported that women from 17 different countries told her repeatedly that they didn’t believe that they were allowed to be unavailable in their roles. To them, the idea of finding new passions and interests was a fantasy. One mother told her she felt as if she had lost her permission to try new things or be interested.
It’s not hard to understand how mothers have fallen into this mentality. The intensive mothering philosophy tells us to devote every moment, effort, money and attention we have left to our children.
The Silent Struggle of Matrescence
Matrescence is a term that describes this type of development transition. Dana Raphael coined the term in 1973. Matrescence, like adolescence and transitioning into motherhood, is a time of profound change for a woman. It affects her physically, emotionally, socially, etc. This term was coined in 1970 but is often forgotten. It brings to light profound changes that can be as disorienting as the ones we experience in our teenage years.
Matrescence is often experienced in silence, unlike adolescence. The focus of society is on the beauty and joy of motherhood. It ignores the challenges and struggles that accompany it. It can make new mothers feel isolated and misunderstood as they struggle with their new identity. This term, matrescence, validates these feelings by acknowledging the fact that, just like adolescence, motherhood is also a transitional period. It is a silent battle, but it’s one that mothers all over the world share.
Tips on Finding and Rediscovering Yourself After Becoming a Mother
It can be a daunting task, but also incredibly rewarding. Here are five tips that will help you navigate this transformational period.
Recognise The Transition
The transition to a new identity is a major transition in your life.
This transition can bring about a significant shift in roles and identity. You may miss the freedom that you once had or feel nostalgic about the person you used to be. Remember that these feelings are normal. These feelings don’t indicate that you love your baby less or are not cut out to be a mother.
Grieve the past, knowing that it is important to embrace your new role. Simple rituals that honour past experiences are a powerful tool to respect and acknowledge the identity from which you’re transitioning. This acknowledgement can be empowering as it validates feelings and reinforces the fact that you are undergoing a major life change without losing your core self.
Losing Your Identity As A New Mom
Motherhood reshapes you in ways that we could never have imagined. Not only are diaper changes and sleepless nights involved; but we also experience a quiet shift in our previous selves. Passions, dreams, and independence all fall by the wayside. Our children become our architects, and our identities fade into the background.
Losing our identity happens in waves. The first is the responsibility to protect someone else. Once the centre of our world, our relationships now share space, along with diaper changes and midnight feedings. We used to put our heart and soul into our jobs. Now, they are pushed to the side to calm down a colicky child and to try to understand the baby’s language. Personal time? Personal time?
Then there are the passions – our hobbies, interests and creative pursuits which once fuelled our souls. The paintbrush is gathering dust, the novel is half-read and the yoga mat has been tucked away in the corner. We tell ourselves that it is temporary and we will reclaim these fragments once the baby gets older. Just when you start to think you have the situation under control, it changes. Each new stage is filled with challenges and delights.
Amid this journey of motherhood that is constantly changing, we can rediscover fulfilment. We begin to discover strength in our resilience as we adapt to this new identity. We begin to realise, little by little, that parts of ourselves were not lost, even though they had to be put on hold for a time. We learn to combine the new and old parts of our personalities, creating a version that is not less, but different, and enriched by motherhood.
Let Go Of Cultural Expectations And The Pressure To “Bounce Back”
In many cultures, there is a strong expectation that mothers not only take care of their children, but also do household chores, prepare meals, and maintain productivity after giving birth. There’s also the unspoken expectation that you “return” to your old self. When you are asked, “When do you plan to return to work?” or “When will you be ready for another child?” and when you hear comments about your appearance, it can add to the stress of motherhood.
Social media’s portrayal of a flawless, effortless lifestyle can magnify these social pressures. A study conducted by the University of Nebraska at Lincoln highlighted the stark difference between motherhood in reality and the images presented by “influencers.” These influencers might seem like they have it all together but it is important to remember that the images we see are often carefully curated highlights, and not a true reflection of reality. The study showed that mothers who were more likely to compare themselves with others felt less confident and inadequate.
Cultural norms can lead to feelings like inadequacy or stress, particularly if you are unable to live up to these standards. Remember that these are not your failures, but rather societal expectations. Each mother’s experience is different, so it’s fine if you don’t fit into these cultural norms.
It’s important to prioritize your well-being as a new mother. Asking for help is okay. You can also take some time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Your mental and physical well-being is as important as caring for your child. It’s okay to adjust slowly to your new role. There is no specific time frame for “bouncing back”, because motherhood is not about bouncing, but about finding your new identity.
It’s Now Time To Reclaim Yourself
We’ll take a minute to discuss burnout. Many moms carry this invisible burden, which can make them feel drained without even realizing it. Reclaiming your identity is about letting go of this invisible load and stepping into your vibrant, full self. This includes the mom you are as well as the person you truly are outside of that role. What is the goal? Take a look at your strengths and passions, both as a mother and outside of motherhood.
It’s time to reset your life if you feel the burnout. The “Depleted Mom Syndrome” is a term that describes the mental, emotional and physical exhaustion many mothers experience. Increased irritability and going through the motions, without being present are common signs. So is resentment towards your partner. You may feel like you are grieving parts of yourself.
You can get back on track. Many moms have faced similar challenges and emerged stronger. You can reconnect with yourself by prioritizing self-care, discovering your passion, seeking help, building a support network, and incorporating fitness into your daily routine.
Are You Ready To Rediscover Your Inner Self?
Self-reflection is the first step to finding yourself after motherhood. Let’s begin by asking some important questions. Be honest and take your time answering these questions. We’ll give you a specific action item for each question to help guide you.
Is there a group of people who support and encourage you?
Even in a hyper-connected world like ours, moms can still feel lonely. The Ohio State University conducted a survey that found 66% of parents feel lonely due to the demands they face as parents. To combat this, finding a community is key. We love FIT4MOM, which combines fitness and camaraderie. But any group that makes you feel connected will be beneficial to your health.
