The name game: Does your baby’s name pass these four essential tests?

Posted in Baby Names.

Michelle Woo from Life Hacker has hatched a brilliant series of tests to help parents select the perfect name for their kiddo and she’s most definitely done a huge favour for future generations.

How to name a baby

Not only does Michelle’s “baby names test drive” help weed out the worst contenders, it ensures that mums and dads have their baby’s – as well as their own – interests top of mind.

While at first glance these important diagnostics might seem a bit of a laugh, they’re funny because they are TRUE! These markers distil what makes a baby name potentially terrible and help compassionate mums and dads avoid distressing choices.

Of course, non-compassionate parents should simply scroll on, ignore these very science-y tests and call their child Duke Shute if they want. Go right ahead, you monsters.

Baby boy sitting in garden outdoors

Here’s four simple baby-naming litmus tests for parents-to-be …

1. The rhymes with a bodily function (or body part?) test 

Sometimes parents are so set on a name, that they’ve reserved it for their future offspring since they were seven years old. They forget that in the playground, rhymes rule and some names are more ripe for ridicule than others.

Sadly, the parents of Artie Dants* did not think of this. Nor did the parents of Hugh Crumb or Ruby Hester**. Still, it could be character building for these kids?

Also, do the intitals test too – Amelia Sarah Street may be a pretty name, but her initials will be a lot to live for the young Amelia to live with.

2. The unrealistic expectation test 

If you’re Lucy and Miles Johnson and live in a quiet life in a humble three bedder in Berwick, naming your little one Béyonce GaGa Johnson might be setting yourselves – and your kiddo – up for heartbreak.

“Oprah, Madonna, Beyoncé, Kobe, LeBron, Bowie, Prince, Aretha. Do you really want to put this type of pressure of your kiddo starting in utero?” Michelle quizzes pointedly.

3. The cafe test 

Why not take yourself off to a cafe and use the proposed name to order your drink?!

“How do you feel?” Michelle asks. “Good? A little ridiculous? If you get a little spark of happiness, it’s probably a good name.” 

Granted this can be a little attention-grabbing if you are a lady and the name you’re pondering is Bruce, but you get the idea. Take a buddy if this is the case. 

4. The playground test

Think you’ve found the perfect name? Good for you! Now, it’s time to take it out for a test drive – walk to your local playground and start using it in public. Something like “Herbert, I asked you to come here right now!” at top volume.

“Practise saying the name sternly, in your best Mum or Dad Voice. Would you fear yourself?” Michelle asks. If the name rolls easily off your tongue and you still feel good about your choice, you are golden!

But there’s more!

You’ll be thrilled to know that these four tests are the tip of the iceberg when it comes to getting your baby’s name right.

Michelle’s (potentially) scientifically devised a series of twelve pointers for your perusal, because she really wants you to get it right – and she doesn’t want your toddler Pete faced with raised eyebrows and elbow nudges in Argentina.

Take all twelve tests here.

* Farty Pants –  **Poo Bum, Booby Chester  – #You’reWelcome


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