Little one, as I watch you scoot around the furniture wearing just your nappy and a look of pride on your face, I can’t help but scoop you up and smother you in kisses.
Sometimes your cuteness just gets the better of me.
It seems it was only yesterday that you needed to be bundled and carried everywhere, but now you are almost walking! Time is flying by and I want to press pause, but can’t.
You see, you have given me so much joy. You are the gift that keeps on giving.
It’s hard to fully articulate what you have given me, but I will try.
I had no idea
When you were first placed in my arms, I’ll admit I didn’t immediately feel that rush of love others told me I would get. I looked quizzically at you and wondered why I didn’t feel like your mum, even though I had made you.
Then, one night, as you fed from my breast and I stroked your peach fuzz newborn hair, I felt it. It was overwhelming. A tidal wave of love I had never experienced before. So powerful. So hard-hitting. So instinctual and protective. I think I might have even whispered, “I would die for you” in the still silence of that hospital room.
That was your first gift.
The gift of the truest and most selfless form of love there is: Maternal love.
A brave new world
Then when we brought you home and started our new life as three, I realised our whole world was now the size of you.
You became our everything. Our purpose. The meaning of our lives. And just like that, we became ‘us’.
Three souls to laugh, love and share life with. Three to enjoy. You made us a family.
And what a gift that was!
A transformed me
Then as the weeks turned into months and I became more and more confident in my role as your mum, I discovered I had become a new me.
Still me at heart. Still an individual with my own thoughts and feelings, but different.
My identity shifted, and I became more than just me. I became your mum as well as everything else I am. Only nothing is as important to me than you.
You transformed me. Softened me. Strengthened me. You’ve made me the mum I am.
The best gift.
When you shoot me a cheeky look, do something new such as wave or blow kisses, snuggle into me because I am your safe place, pull up your singlet to look at your belly button in fascination, or plop a flower you’ve picked with your chubby fingers into my lap, I melt inside.
The joy I feel because of YOU is palpable.
Sometimes I wonder if my heart, which honestly hurts in these moments, might just explode.
But you keep on dishing it up. You keep on making me swoon and smile.
And as you grow this will be in different ways.
So my love, you see, you have given me SO much, which is why I keep on doing so in return, to you. Even when I feel I can’t anymore because I give you everything I am.
But I guess that’s just the way it is.
You are my gift that keeps on giving, but I am also yours.
I love you forever, my little one.