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“There’s this feeling of rejection”
The gent in question is the father of both children and she says they’ve been together for close to ten years, that he’s a great dad and they have a healthy relationship, except when it comes to the issue of marriage.
“[He] does not believe in marriage,” the upset mum writes. “This wasn’t made clear to me ’til a few a days ago when we were talking about it.”
She had simply assumed they would get married one day but her partner’s position now indicates otherwise.
“I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me.”
Me or marriage?
When she explained her feelings about this perceived “rejection” her partner stood firm.
“[He] said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him.”
This has left her feeling confused and second-guessing herself. She says she doesn’t care more about marriage than being with him.
“I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship,” she writes on Mumsnet. “Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!”
Isn’t it a bit late for this?
Some commenters responded wondering why this was only coming up ten years – and two kids – in.
“I’m mildly astounded you’ve got 10 years behind you and it’s only just come up,” one posted.
“I am not trying to be rude, but don’t you have these conservations before children? Not 10 years down the line…” another wrote.
“You’ve got a right to be upset if he’s misled you, but it sounds like it might be you that’s changed your mind?” someone else commented.
“We’ve mentioned marriage”
The wants-to-be-married mum later explained that she and her partner got together quickly because she was pregnant, and that they’d dived into their relationship because of these circumstances.
“We’ve ‘mentioned’ marriage over the years and agreed that we can’t afford a wedding right now so not had a proper discussion,” she continued. “We’ve gone as far as talking about what kind of wedding we’d have etc. We just agreed to do it when we have the money for the wedding we want.”
So as far as she knew, it was on the cards, until recently when it wasn’t.
A later discussion with her partner had him agreeing to marry if it was important to her, but then the type of wedding became the source of conflict (he now wants to “do it properly” and she wants a small wedding!)
Some thought she should choose her battles and get on with it.
“He’s said that he’ll get married to you if you want to. I’d definitely take him up on that! Don’t worry about the lack of a big romantic proposal – that sort of thing is a bit irrelevant after 10 years and 2 kids. Just pick a date and start planning!”
“Get him down that aisle then. Pronto!” another person wrote.
But others wondered if this was all a ploy and smelled a rat, telling stories of friends and family who had experienced similar … and it ended in affairs and/or separation.
“Is there any chance that the “doing it properly” is a play for more time on your other half’s part,” someone suggested.
“Something doesn’t ring true for me though, he’s talked about weddings etc and now ‘doesn’t believe in marriage’?? There’s just something I can’t put my finger on,” someone else wrote.