7 ways parenting is just like running your own Fyre Festival
Months after it ruined the dreams of festival-goers everywhere, the ill-fated Fyre Festival is once again making news. If you’ve not yet acquainted yourself with the schadenfreude fest that was Fyre Festival, the basic run down is that punters paid thousands of dollars for tickets to an exclusive island festival in the Bahamas. What they got was a half-finished site, soaking wet mattresses, no running water and no sure way of leaving.
As I watched the Netflix documentary (there’s also a Hulu one that’s on my “to-hate-watch” list) I couldn’t help but see parallels between Fyre Festival and parenting. The anticipation, the money, the expectations.
So it seems only natural to share, without further ado, the seven ways being a parent is like running your own personal Fyre Festival.
1. In the beginning
Sure you start off all stars-in-your-eyes, with an Amaro Instagram-filtered view of what having a child is really going to be like.
While you may not have a rockin’ model bod, you sure as hell are going to a) have the greatest time known to man, b) look flawless while you do it, and c) make everyone in the world so jealous with your competency and flair. You’ll basically re-write the parenting play book, right?
Oh you beautiful naïve human. Your optimism is pure! Because why would someone lie about what is going to be the best time of your life?!
Read more funny stories about parenting:
- Chrissy Teigen is not keen to parent like her own mum in one way
- “We don’t care!” Midwife’s funny pubic hair memo to mums-to-be
- Babies With Teeth’ is our new favourite bonkers meme
2. Spend. All. The. Money
Your teaser of parenthood is your baby shower. You’re lavished with gifts, expensive gadgets, well wishes and bubbling excitement. The anticipation is palpable.
You pour your savings into all the fancy tech to prepare you for The Best Time Ever. But just like an electronic wrist band, preloaded with spending money for your remote island fantasy, your perfect little human will ignore every expensive gift ever bought for them, rendering that limited edition teething bangle useless.
They don’t mind your keys though.
3. Sleep
You may actually own a bed as a parent. You even upgraded to the California-king size. But is your bed really yours once you’re a parent?
You may as well be fighting off Fyre-esque midnight intruders, battling for your own portion of a pee-stained, slightly damp mattress.
You don’t own anything anymore, silly! Much less a right to a peaceful night’s sleep.
4. Food
Once you start weaning your spawn onto solid food, you have plans. Sweet Lord, do you have great plans. Dishes with the food arranged into smiley faces, with Michelin star precision, the most ‘grammable damn lunchbox you could ever imagine!
What you end up with is an underpaid workforce (you) and the most depressing cheese sandwich known to man (but with the crusts off. This distinction is very important.)
While a Fyre Festival attendee would settle for a cheese sandwich with crusts, you try talking any toddler into eating a crust on their BEST day and I’ll put US$1000 onto your wrist-band wallet.
The dinner that @fyrefestival promised us was catered by Steven Starr is literally bread, cheese, and salad with dressing. #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/I8d0UlSNbd
— Trevor DeHaas (@trev4president) April 28, 2017
5. Desperation
Have you ever had a desperate moment with your child? One where you have thought “I would literally do anything to change this one thing”.
Perhaps it was the time you tried timed crying-it-out? Or the time they screamed a curse word at the top of their lungs in the middle of the playground surrounded by almost every mum or dad friend you have?
Those moments, those lowest and most desperate ebbs have a new name. They are your Andy King Moment … aka the Evian water stuck in customs moment. #coughs
6. Hype-Beast
As a first time parent you’re told that being a parent is going to be life-changing. It is going to be transformative. You’ll never be the same again.
Scrolling through Instagram you’d be forgiven for thinking you’re signing up to be a member of the most joyful and rewarding experience of your life. You’ll be glowing.
While Fyre had its gorgeous bikini clad models reclining on boats and pouting down the barrel of the camera, you’ll have linen-clad zen gods and goddesses and pregnant women who are so gorgeous and relaxed they could sneeze and give birth.
This hype-beast is a dangerous one. Don’t. Buy. It. Or do buy it, but film the heck out of it and make it a highly profitable documentary in 5-10 years time.
7. Fakestagram
Fuelled by the hype you’ll be tempted by the gorgeous, clean and aspirational families on Instagram. But if you buy into the Fyre Festival style of parenting you’ll end up at a first birthday party with your 4-month-old explosive-pooping all over themselves. And you. And a large area of the park. And you’ll have no back up outfits to speak of.
Those Fyre Festival parents never have their nappy bags in their photos. They’re out of the shot. Be smart about the hype. Know that you’re being sold something. And always, ALWAYS carry a spare change of clothes.
There’s good stuff too though? Right?
Don’t forget the fire-fuelled passion that started it all. The dream that this was going to be the best thing you’ve ever done.
And if it isn’t quite panning out exactly the way you planned, at least know that you have your dignity.
And heck maybe you’ll get a Netflix or Hulu documentary deal at the end of all this too?!
