The Disgusting Yet Normal Part of Parenting
Spit washing is just one of many things that I promised myself I wouldn’t do as a mother. Ah, those heady youth days when I could do everything with two hands and did not have snot all over my clothes. The other day, I saw a younger me in a store and realized how foolish I was.
I was (surprisingly) early for my baby music class. You will understand that this is an unusual occurrence for mothers. My friend and I decided we would kill time by browsing. We entered a shop that had a mix of furniture, clothing, and other knickknacks. All of them were beautiful and very expensive. Otto began to shout and point at bowls as I walked around the shop looking at items I would never buy.
This type of pointing, wailing, and crying is the universal signal for “give me food” at home. So I dutifully brought out a small tub – of grapes that were already cut. Otto’s refusal to eat grapes made me feel proud of my preparation and ability as a mother. He had liked grapes the day before, and again the next day.
But right there in the expensive store, oh no, he did not like them. At this point, he began spitting out the grapes and throwing them from the buggy. Oh, what joy!
To avoid a costly disaster, should the grapes fall on expensive clothing, I grabbed the grapes and stuffed them into my mouth. While I was doing this, two shoppers in their 20s, dressed in heels, make-up, and a full-on work outfit, looked at me with disgust.
There I was in flats, with no make-up and a head full of grapes. My clothes probably had a few snot marks and traces of Otto’s lunch. Not only that but I also had a mouthful of grapes. Awesome!
My witty “mum-liner” probably would not have made any sense to them. Why? Before Otto, I would have never understood how normal it is to eat food that your child has put in their mouth. You won’t even gag! Pre-chewed food does not even come close to the amount of baby detritus that I deal with every day. In my 20s, neither I nor they would have known this. They thought it was a woman who had stolen pre-chewed baby food.
Then I thought about the spitwash and realized I was probably heading down that slippery slope. It’s not far away when I will wipe my son’s face with a hankie that I spit into (preferably from my sleeve). It may be inevitable. Perhaps the spit wash is something that all mums do.
The Most Gross Moments Of Parenting
Like many other things in life, parenting is not for those who are easily intimidated. It is not for those with weak stomachs. Children are cute and cuddly, but they can also be disgusting. There’s a certain charm to children, and let’s be honest, it’s part of the bond that parents share. But I want to admit that some of them are more disgusting than others.
Here are the eight most gross moments I’ve experienced as a parent. Read along, if you dare.
1. Baby Blowouts
You will never be prepared for how far your baby can project poop. I’m talking about that neon yellow, seedy infant poop. On a long trip, I recall a particularly bad blowout where my oldest child, who was overachieving, managed to get poop from his socks to the top of his head and into his hair.
Still, a nice pool remained to slosh in the car. We’ll just say that the teenagers at McDonald’s had a good laugh when they saw us trying to clean up the mess in the parking lot.
2. Start Solid Food with Your Baby
My husband can’t stand watching a baby try to feed themselves starter foods. My father-in-law was an EMT who was used to handling all kinds of gross and disgusting wounds. He couldn’t watch a baby feed himself. I would 100% recommend baby-led weaning. The slobbery, sticky goop that was smeared all over my children’s bodies after each meal turned even the most hardened stomachs.
3. My Toddler Puked on Me
What parent hasn’t experienced the feeling of a toddler throwing up on you or a newborn spitting up? One Christmas, all three of my children caught stomach bugs and my 1-year-old daughter only slept on me. She would wake me up about every hour, throw up on me, and then go back to sleep.
You haven’t parented well if you don’t need to wash dried vomit from your hair when you wake up after a restless night. It makes me cringe to think about it.
4. Explaining Mastitis (and the entire court)
While night-weaning my child, I was summoned to jury duty. The night before jury service, I developed an achy chest and a fever, but could not go to the doctor because jury duty started bright and early. I went to jury duty hoping that a female judge would be understanding and excuse me.
Unfortunately, I was assigned to an elderly male who had very poor hearing. I had the privilege of explaining, at a yell, what mastitis was, and why it was necessary to excuse me. It was embarrassing, but not as bad as some of the parenting moments I’ve had.
5. Toddler Poop Art
If you’re lucky, they may even get creative with where they hide it. So for weeks to come, you will be smelling their “art”. You might be lucky enough to have them get creative about it and hide it in places that you can smell for weeks.
6. My Kid Licking the Green Line Train
Boston parents are well aware that the T is an excellent amenity. It serves as both a fun activity for our kids and a way to avoid the ever-elusive downtown car parking. It is not germ-free. Imagine my horror when, one day with my three children, I saw my 5-year-old son licking the railings of a green train. It wasn’t a small taste, he was licking the railing of the green train like it was a tasty ice cream cone full of germs.
7. When I Found My Child Fishing in an Unflushed Toilet
The toilet was located right next to the bathtub in our home. As mom tried to brush the teeth of an older sibling, my youngest discovered that she could reach over the edge of a bathtub and “fish” in the toilet for any unflushed goodies. She climbed into the toilet at one point in the time it took me to tell her brother to spit toothpaste into the sink. Let’s say that a second shower was needed.
8. How to Clean the Underside of My Child’s Car Seat
You may not have noticed the many little nooks and crannies that clever car seat engineers incorporate into toddler safety devices. No? No? If you remove the padding and cushions, these crevices become a holy place where toddlers leave their leftovers.
You’ll find crushed animal crackers and orange slices that have petrified, raisins with the faces of disapproving saints, and even pet worms and rocks you thought were outside. You have now found the source of the annoying smell that your car has. Congratulations!
We probably should have anticipated that this kind of grossness would follow the birth experience. It’s beautiful, and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. All the bodily liquids were an excellent primer for the finer aspects of motherhood to come.
It’s not the mess that matters, but the baby. They may be the ugliest people on earth, but my children are also the kindest and sweetest. I wouldn’t change a thing about them.
Motherhood Would Have Grossed Out My Non-mom Self.
I thought I had a strong stomach. I never fainted at the sight of blood, whether it was mine or someone else’s. I was ill from vomiting, but not barfing. I could remove a toenail without a problem. I could talk about poop with my fiancée. I once cleaned dog urine.
The other side of the coin was that teeth falling out is a real ick. But this didn’t happen with nice people who were in their 20s. I was sickened by alleys that smelled like urine. When I had to clean dog feces, all I managed was to vomit on top of them. My husband took care of the dirty parts of pet ownership.
After we had kids, my stomach became much stronger. People without children may know that children can be gross, but they do not truly understand. It’s not until you have a child, and especially a young one, that you truly understand the disgusting bodily disgust they can cause. You’ll find that you do things out of habit that would make your pre-mom self barf on her shoes.
You’ll Get Poop From Places.
Non-moms understand, in an abstract way, that moms change diapers, which means they have to wipe up feces. Doesn’t this just stink? The moms are the ones who have to gently dig out the poop that gets stuck in tiny labia or ball bags. This will sometimes — or rather, this is the norm — require multiple wipes. You will be disgusted. You will do it because you are the mother and this is part of your role. You didn’t even read the fine print.
You’ll Get Poop All Over Your Hands.
You will gingerly wrestle them out of their clothes, usually nice clothes and often clothes that are not meant to be wrestled out of. This always happens the day you decide to take the baby to church. Then you’ll gingerly wrestle the baby out of his clothes. These are usually nice clothes that you don’t want to wrestle out.
This always happens on the day you take your child to church. You will be wiping away and wiping until you get some on your hands or in your knuckles. You used to be unable to handle dog feces without vomiting. Now you can wipe human spit off your hands without feeling the need to gag.
Learn Which Household Cleaners are Most Effective at Removing Human Feces.
It’s not to say your child will deliberately smear poop all over the walls. This doesn’t mean that your child will take a poop on the floor instead of using the toilet (they could). This isn’t to say they will step on their diaper and track it around the house. You’ve got to clean that potty. The stupid-ass looks so damn proud.
You Will be Able to Mask the Smell of Urination in Your Home if You Have Boys.
Boys will just be boys. They will poop on your floor, the seat of the toilet, the towels, and anywhere else but the toilet. The pee will seep out of the cracks in the frog potty and soak your bath mats. The bathroom will smell of urine until someone gives me an answer. You’ll find out which cleaners make it smell nice and fresh because the alternative would be too disgusting. You thought that a pissy alley would be gross. You have one now in your home.
