How to Handle Parenting Differences with Mother-in-Law
The way we raise children often reflects the values, beliefs, and upbringing of each individual. What happens, however, when your parenting style clashes with that of your mother-in-law or another member of the family? You’re not the only one who has been frustrated by uninvited advice or criticism of your parenting style. These challenges are faced by many parents, particularly when they receive advice from people with good intentions and differing opinions.
A mother of two boys was struggling to deal with her mother-in-law’s constant disapproval of the parenting methods she used. Her mother-in-law would always reminisce and talk about how things used to be done in the past, subtly suggesting that her current parenting techniques were incorrect. The tension in the family not only made gatherings uncomfortable, but also left her mother feeling frustrated and undermined.
Parents who are subjected to external criticism can find it difficult.
The tension grew when the mother-in-law began to label the children as “spoiled b****s,” criticising the “lack of tough love” and suggesting that her grandson needed a good smack to straighten them up. The mother’s method was one of gentleness, understanding, and patience. It was offensive to the mother, who believes in positive discipline and avoids physical punishment.
The mother was happy to spend time with her in-laws, despite the tension. She didn’t wish for the disagreements between them to escalate into a full-blown conflict. The constant criticism of her parenting style had started to affect her. She wondered if she could resolve the issue without upsetting the other family members, including her mother-in-law and partner.
Expert Advice on Managing Family Tensions
This is not an isolated case. Parents often face conflict when their parenting style clashes with their in-laws’, parents, or other relatives. Everyone has their own ideas about how to raise a child. When these differences cause tension, they can make you feel isolated and frustrated.
Kirsty is a parenting expert and psychologist who shared valuable tips for dealing with these dynamics. She said that you should approach this situation with patience, an open mind, and most importantly, respect, both for your own parenting decisions and those of other family members. Here are some strategies that can help parents to deal with this sensitive issue.
1. Let it Go When You Can
Kirsty’s first piece of advice is to just let certain remarks or behaviours slide. It’s common for family members to give unsolicited parenting advice. Although some advice may be well-intended, it might not always match your beliefs. You can keep peace by letting these comments go.
Kirsty recommends adopting the mentality that it is not always worth it to engage in every argument. Remember that these comments are more likely to be about the person making them, rather than you or your child. This shift in mindset can reduce the emotional impact of these interactions and allow you to focus more on what matters: your relationship with your children.
2. Take a Gentle Approach—”Killing” them with Kindness.”
Kirsty suggests that when the tension is persistent and affecting your emotional well-being, you should address the issue directly but gently. She says that the best approach to your mother-in-law (or any other family member who is critical of your parenting) is with kindness, understanding,g, and patience.
Kirsty says that you should acknowledge the love and concern they have for your kids since most criticism is a result of a desire to help. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to accept their advice. However, showing your appreciation for their good intentions can help diffuse tension. You could say, “I value the advice that you are offering.” I can understand that your partner was raised in a way that wasn’t the same as mine, but that it worked for you and your family. “However, I am comfortable with my parenting approach and believe that it is working for our children.”
You can start a respectful conversation by acknowledging and thanking them for their support and love. To avoid emotional reactions, it’s important to have the conversation at a time when you are calm, not after an argument.
3. Establish clear expectations and boundaries
Maintaining healthy relationships with your in-laws requires that you set boundaries. It’s important that you discuss boundaries with your inlaws if certain behaviours, such as uninvited criticism or undermining of your authority as a parent, are causing frustration.
Kirsty says that you should get your partner’s support before approaching your mother-in-law about these issues. Unifying your front will ensure that you and your partner are both on the same page regarding what’s acceptable and what’s not. Talk to your partner about your concerns and decide how you want to deal with the situation. This support will help you to have a more successful conversation with your mother-in-law since it shows her that you are not alone.
4. Maintain the dialogue between you and your partner
It may be tempting to include your spouse in any argument with your mother-in-law, but it is important to keep some conversations between you two. Bring in your spouse early and often to avoid unnecessary tension. This can lead to conflict, particularly if your partner feels trapped in the middle.
You should only involve your partner in a situation if it escalates, or you feel you need more support. You should communicate with your partner openly and honestly about how you are feeling and find a solution that works for you both.
5. Understanding Their Perspective
Advice on parenting, particularly from older generations, comes from experience. It’s important to understand your mother-in-law’s perspective, even if some of her methods seem outdated or irrelevant to modern parenting. She probably raised her children in a very different environment, and she had different expectations for their behaviour. Understanding her perspective will help you navigate conversations with empathy, and prevent feeling defensive.
Remember that sharing advice is often motivated by love and concern for your children. This can help to defuse the emotional tension that is often associated with these conversations.
6. Finding Common Ground and Compromise
It may be possible in some cases to compromise your parenting style with your mother-in-law’s advice. If she insists on more structure or discipline for the children, you could explain to her how you can achieve these goals using other methods that are in line with your parenting approach.
Your mother-in-law may have raised your partner in a way that was different from yours. Acknowledge her parenting style, but express your confidence with your own. Open to suggestions, but be firm with your boundaries. Find a compromise where both parties feel respected.
7. You can involve your partner as a mediator
It may be time for your spouse to act as a mediator when tensions are at a boiling point and you and your mother-in-law cannot reach an agreement. Your spouse can facilitate respectful and productive conversations by gaining insight into your parenting style as well as your mother’s.
Both parties must approach these conversations with respect and understanding, to avoid an “us vs. you” mentality. It’s not about “winning” an argument but finding a good solution for the family dynamics.
Conclusion:
Dealing with different parenting styles can be challenging, especially if family members criticise or offer uninvited advice. By keeping an open-minded attitude, respecting each other’s opinions, and setting boundaries, you can navigate these difficult conversations without damaging your relationship.
Remember that you’re not the only one who is frustrated by comments or behaviours from your mother-in-law. You are the one who must decide what’s best for your family. Parenting is an adventure filled with different opinions and viewpoints. You can achieve a balance by addressing these disagreements with patience and kindness.
Ultimately, the key is communication–talking openly with your spouse, setting boundaries, and finding solutions that respect both your parenting philosophy and your family’s values.
