Things Not to Say After a Miscarriage
What not to say to a woman who has experienced a miscarriage
A miscarriage can be a devastating experience for women and their loved ones. Friends and family members often try to comfort the woman, but they may say things which only make her pain worse. The UK charity Tommy’s recently launched a campaign to raise awareness of this sensitive topic, encouraging people not to use their words carelessly when helping someone go through a difficult period.
Understanding the Pain of Miscarriage
Many women suffer in silence after miscarriage. Statistics show that one out of four confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage by the time a woman reaches 20 weeks. Many other miscarriages occur before she even knows she is pregnant. These losses can have a profound emotional impact, which is aggravated by hurtful but well-intentioned comments.
Tommy’s campaign is aimed at raising awareness of the reality of miscarriage. It also provides a platform where women can share their experiences. The viral video that accompanied the campaign has been shared over 30,000 times and has started a conversation about what to not say to someone who’s experienced this kind of loss. These stories show that miscarriage has a lasting impact on women, not just in terms of physical loss but also emotional and psychological.
The Emotional Landscape Of Grief
After a miscarriage, the emotional landscape can be quite complex. Women can experience many emotions, such as grief, guilt and anger. Each woman’s experience will be unique and influenced by a variety of factors, including the stage of her pregnancy, expectations she had for herself, and past experiences with loss. Others may experience a deep sense of emptiness while others may be plagued by feelings of inadequacy and questioning their bodies’ failure.
Supporters need to understand that grieving can take a long time and be nonlinear. The process may not be linear and emotions can come back unexpectedly. It can be difficult for family and friends to offer support when they don’t know how to do it.
Common Mistakes: What Not to Say
These phrases may sound supportive, but they can cause more pain to someone who has experienced a miscarriage.
1. It happened for a good reason.
This phrase can be dismissive for someone who is grieving. This phrase implies that the loss is part of a divine purpose, which can be extremely painful for a woman who is trying to understand her own experience. It can cause frustration and sadness instead of comforting women who are struggling to understand their experience.
2. It was at least early.
This may be done to ease the pain, but it may also reduce the emotional attachment that a woman has already developed with her unborn baby. Each pregnancy is important to parents, no matter what stage it’s at. Many women begin planning their future, which includes this new life, long before they have reached the halfway mark.
3. At least, you can become pregnant.
This statement is meant to give hope but it can be a source of invalidation for someone grieving the loss a pregnancy. Losing a child is still painful, even if you can conceive. It can instead make someone feel guilty about being upset over their loss, when others struggle to conceive.
4. How many weeks did you have?
The person grieving may unintentionally justify their loss by referring to the timing. This can cause feelings of inadequacy as the grieving person feels that their loss should be judged by how far they are along. These inquiries can also remind them of the stark contrast that exists between their expectations and their reality. This makes it harder to process their emotions.
5. I know someone who has had several miscarriages but now has healthy children.
Comparing your experiences with others can be overwhelming, and it may take the focus off of the pain that the person is experiencing. Each loss is different, and healing may look very different for each person. Such comments, instead of encouraging solidarity, can create resentment, frustration and make someone feel like they are alone in their grief.
6. Do you know the cause?
This question can cause a wave of guilt and blame on yourself. It can be painful to remember that most women will never find out the exact cause of their miscarriage. This can cause a spiraling of “what if?” scenarios as women relive every decision made during pregnancy and wonder if they might have been able to change the outcome.
7. Have you tried [insert remedy]?
It can be overwhelming to hear well-intentioned suggestions for treatments or lifestyle modifications. Many women who have experienced a miscarriage have already tried a variety of options to find answers. Suggestions of additional remedies may come across as dismissive, as they imply that the loss might have been prevented with the right approach.
8. Your body is simply doing its job.
This statement, while intended to comfort, can come across as dismissive. This statement may intensify feelings of betrayal by the body if a woman feels that she has not carried her pregnancy to full term. It may not offer comfort but instead amplify anger and frustration towards oneself.
9. Everything will be fine.
This phrase, while meant to comfort, can seem hollow when faced with deep grief. This phrase can also suggest that the person must move on quickly. This can be unrealistic. These comments tend to overlook the importance of allowing the person to fully process their emotions and sit with the pain.
10. You’ll have a second baby.
This can be problematic, as it shifts the focus away from the present loss and towards future possibilities. The process of grieving a lost pregnancy deserves compassion and attention. The prospect of future pregnancy can seem irrelevant when someone is grieving.
Supporting Others: How to Provide Support
What can you do to help someone who has suffered a miscarriage feel better? Here are some creative approaches:
1. Show Genuine Sympathy
Simple, heartfelt expressions of sorrow can be very effective. By saying, “I’m so sorry for your pain,” you acknowledge their loss without trying to fix the situation. The grieving person must feel seen and validated for their feelings.
2. Be present
Sometimes just being present is enough. Allow them to share their feelings and listen without judging or interrupting. Supportive presences can be a great help, as they remind them that they are not the only ones who feel grief.
3. Helpful
During a tough time, helping with chores, meals or other daily tasks can ease the burden. You can show your care by making small gestures. Practical support can ease daily stress and give them time to grieve.
4. Encourage Open Dialogue
Invite them to express their emotions, but respect the boundaries of those who are not yet ready to speak. You want them to feel comfortable expressing their feelings. Encourage them to tell their story but don’t force them into a conversation they aren’t ready for.
5. Check in Regularly
Continue to check on them after the initial shock. Support can be very important, as grief can take a long time to process. Regular check-ins demonstrate that you are concerned and there for the person in the long term, not only in the immediate aftermath.
6. Respect their Unique Journey
Each person experiences grief in a unique way. As you navigate through their emotions, be sensitive to the individual needs and timing. It may not be the same for everyone, so you should approach every situation with empathy.
7. Share your own feelings of empathy
Sharing your feelings with someone who has suffered a similar loss can make them feel less alone. Prioritize their experience above your own. You must create a space where they can express themselves without feeling the need to support you.
8. Avoid Cliches
Avoid using cliches, which may sound comforting but are empty. Focus on genuine, heartfelt expressions. Simple acknowledgements such as “I am here for you” or “I am thinking of you” can have more impact than overused phrases.
9. Understanding the Physical Impact of Grief
Be aware that miscarriage may also have physical consequences. Women can experience both physical and emotional recovery, which can increase their distress. Supporting women by being sensitive to their needs and feelings can be enhanced if you are aware of the physical aspects.
10. Educate yourself
Understanding miscarriage is important. You can provide better support and avoid common mistakes if you are well-informed. Knowledge allows you to better understand the subject and approach it with more sensitivity.
Consideration is Important
The recent Tommy’s campaign and the stories of women shared highlight the importance of sensitivity and thoughtfulness when talking about miscarriage. It can be hard to talk about such a painful subject, but if you do it carefully and with compassion, it can help foster healing.
In a society that is often reluctant to discuss loss, it is important to create spaces in which women can feel heard and supported. We can provide genuine comfort by being aware of our words and deeds.
Miscarriage: The Long-Term Effects
The emotional effects of a miscarriage may last for a long time after the loss. Many women experience pain during important life events such as birthdays and anniversaries, which would have included their lost child. These moments may serve as painful reminders about what might have been and can lead to new grief and sadness.
Some women also develop anxiety and fear about future pregnancies. Miscarriage trauma can cause women to feel uncertain and uncontrollable about their bodies. This can make the road to parenthood more difficult. It is important for supporters
Be patient and understanding as you experience these emotions.
Moving Together
Although the pain associated with losing a child may never go away, there are ways to heal and move forward. Women often find comfort in support groups and therapy where they can talk to others who have suffered similar losses. Sharing their stories fosters a sense community and understanding that can help them navigate their grief better.
Being a constant source of support for family and friends is priceless. Women can feel more comfortable expressing their emotions when they understand that healing is a process that takes time.
Conclusion
It is important to note that navigating through the difficult and sensitive aftermath of a miscarriage can be a complex process. Words can heal but they can also cause deep wounds if not carefully chosen. We can create an environment of support for grieving people by educating ourselves about what to say and what not to say.
The best thing that we can do, is to have conversations about miscarriage from a place of compassion and empathy. In a society where miscarriage is often hidden in silence, being willing to listen, validate and support those who have suffered a loss can be a powerful tool in their healing process.
We can be allies when we walk alongside those in pain, offering them the compassion and understanding they require to help them navigate their way to healing. We can create a culture of support and compassion, so that no woman is left alone in her grief.
