Stopping Cleaning for Others Changed My Life
I stopped cleaning up for other people – and it’s seriously changed my life.
“Please excuse the mess. We live here.”
It’s the phrase I use when someone comes over to visit me. It’s not only the occasional mess, but it’s a pretty constant part of our home. Over time, I have finally accepted that the house is always a bit messy. Over the years, I’ve fought it, stressed about it, and even resented that it was so messy. I finally realized that my home should reflect how we live there–messy and lived in, even if it is imperfect.
What do you think? My life dramatically changed the moment I stopped cleaning only up for others. This simple decision has been the most liberating I’ve ever made. It was liberating to live a more authentic, peaceful life.
Before Kids…
My husband and I had a house that I would describe as “reasonably clean” before I became a mother. We didn’t keep our house immaculate or spotless because we’re not neat freaks. But it was manageable. You could walk easily from one room to another without tripping on misplaced shoes or stepping on random piles of toys.
Our kitchen table, for example, was usually clear, giving us the space we needed to prepare meals without having to deal with the mountains of paper, odd bits and art projects that the children left behind. The bathroom lacked the unpleasant smells that come from lingering mess. (Yes, I know what you’re talking about. Especially with boys). The living room was clean and cozy. For a time, we had scatter cushions carefully placed on the couch. Everything was in its proper place and calm.
Then we had children.
Children are mess makers.
Anyone who has children knows just how quickly a clean home can turn into a mess. Kids can make messes faster than anyone else. They are constantly rummaging in the toybox, removing toys and throwing them away. Legos, stuffed toys, art supplies and anything else that they decide to play with at the time are all over the floor. Don’t get me started with the bathroom. My eldest hasn’t yet mastered the art of using the toilet. I have to clean up after him.
Here’s the real kicker: While kids are certainly responsible for a lot of the mess, they’re not the ONLY cause. I realized that my issue with mess had something entirely different: my desire for others to see a perfect home.
Let’s Get Real
This was not something I decided on my own. It’s not like I woke one morning and decided, “I’m done cleaning for others!” No, this wasn’t so clear. It just happened.
I began hosting a weekly mother-child playgroup. I initially saw playdates as a chance to clean up the house. I used the playdates as a deadline for getting my house clean and ready for guests. Sundays became my cleaning day. I spent the entire day vacuuming, sweeping and rearranging things to make them “presentable” for others.
Then came the one week. After a busy weekend, by Sunday evening, I was buried under work. The cleaning was not going to be done. When Monday came, I was almost tempted to cancel the playdate. The state of my house made me feel embarrassed. It looked like a mess, and I was afraid of what my friends might think.
I suddenly had a revelation. I realized that my friends would not care. They were likely in the same situation as me. They, too,o were juggling a busy life, feeling overwhelmed and dealing with the stresses of motherhood. They would be able to relate. They would understand.
The Moment I Couldn’t Pretend Anymore
So, I made a choice. I didn’t bother to clean or hide the laundry basket or put away the dishes. I left it as it was. What’s this? Nobody cared.
It was a magical moment. They did the same thing when I was real and vulnerable with my friends. We could all relax and enjoy our time together without worrying about how clean or dirty our homes were. We all knew that we were all in the same boat, so we didn’t judge each other over the mess or clutter.
When I visited their homes in the weeks following, I found a relaxed atmosphere. The toys were on display. The dishes had not been put away. What was most important to us was our connection. The mess no longer stood in the way of a real conversation or genuine support. It became a metaphor for our real lives: busy and chaotic but full of joy and love.
All of us are struggling and juggling.
Truth be told, modern moms are in a tough spot. We are constantly trying to balance the demands of motherhood with work and personal responsibilities. We strive to “keep everything in order”, to please everyone and to always be on top of the situation. In reality, no one is perfect. Nobody is doing it all perfectly, regardless of how perfect their Instagram account may appear.
We’re tired. We’re stressed. We are stretched thin. What’s this? That’s okay.
We need more understanding and camaraderie, not more judgment or pressure. We need to feel that we are not alone. We need someone to shrug, say, “You should come see my place!” and laugh with us about the chaos and mess.
The Magic of Not Pretending
It’s liberating to stop pretending about the state of your home, particularly when you do it. I used to think that my home had to be immaculate and ready to impress everyone who came through the front door. I wanted to present myself as the ideal version of me–organized, neat, and in charge. What I have learned is that pretending has taken a toll on my mental health. It left me feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, and I was constantly insecure.
When you embrace your true self and stop trying to be perfect, the magic happens. Everything changed when I let go of my illusion of perfectionism. I felt more relaxed and connected with the people that mattered most. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I could now breathe without worrying about how others viewed my home or life.
In letting go of my presence, I found a greater sense of connection to those around me. People saw our home for what it was: a place that had been lived in, where chaos, love, and laughter coexisted. This was far from the perfect homes that we see in magazines and on social media. It was surprising that my friends liked it. Instead of judging me, they appreciated my honesty. They were also going through their challenges and struggles and felt relieved to know that they weren’t alone.
Please clean up if you want to!
Do not misunderstand; I still have a lot of cleaning to do. I want to create a clean, comfortable space for myself and my family. One big difference is that I clean only when it’s necessary or the mess becomes overwhelming. I do not want to please others or meet the standard of perfection that society has set. It’s important to create a clean space for people, not just for appearances.
Cleaning is, at its heart, a way to care for the place where we spend most of our time. Now, I clean because I want peace in my home and not because I’m under pressure to meet someone else’s standards. It’s liberating to know that I decide when to clean, and not always because of guests or some arbitrary standard.
What’s this? You’ll be so much happier.
Stopping the cycle of cleaning to please others or fit into a mould that doesn’t match my lifestyle has freed me a lot of energy. Now, I can invest my time in things that matter, like spending quality time with my family and relaxing without feeling guilty. It has been a huge mental shift. I am no longer anxious or embarrassed whenever someone unexpectedly drops by. Our home reflects our life, with all its messy bits.
Embracing Imperfection
I’m thinking of buying an Etsy sign saying “Please Excuse the Mess, We Live Here” to remind me. This simple but powerful reminder is that our home doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be genuine. In this place, we can relax and be ourselves without the pressure of perfection. It should reflect the chaos, laughter and love of our lives. The imperfections tell the story of the everyday life we live, how we change and grow together, as well as the messiness.
The piles of dirty laundry, dirty dishes or toys scattered around the living room are not something we need to hide. We can embrace the mess as part of our journey together. These little imperfections make our house feel more re, and less like a showroom.
People who care about you and love you won’t judge you if your house is messy. You will be loved for your genuine moments, honesty and connection. It’s the unfiltered version that’s beautiful, not the one you’ve sanitized to get others’ approval. Your true friends and family will not judge your value by how much your house is but rather by the warmth and happiness you bring to them during your time together. Your laughter, willingness to share and openness will make you a favourite.
Conclusion
You are not the only one who struggles with having a perfect house. It’s ok if you don’t have a spotless house. We all juggle motherhood, life and work. Accept the mess and let go of any guilt or expectations that society may have placed on you.
Stop pretending that you have everything in order. You’ll find it liberating. It’s not necessary to have a perfect home. It’s the real moments, the laughter and the love you share with those who are important to you that count toward developing breathereathee, let go of perfection and remember that real life is a mess. It’s time for us to stop pretending and start living.
