Lessons from Two Years with a Sleepless Baby
Parents often describe parenting as an adventure filled with unexpected twists and turns. Sleep was one of the most challenging, surprising and soul-crushing experiences of my parenting adventure. My firstborn child was a sleeper’s dream, but my second one was anything but. The sleeping patterns of my two children were vastly different. The two years that I spent with the baby who wouldn’t sleep was a very eye-opening experience.
When I was expecting my first child, I was prepared for sleepless nights. I read all the books I could about sleep training and routines to help a child sleep through. Like most new parents, I had expectations. I thought my first child would be a difficult sleeper and that I would have to use all the advice I could get to make it through. I did not expect to have a child who would sleep for long periods of time right from the beginning. My firstborn had slept through the night eight hours straight by six weeks. I thought, “I got this.” I thought I was a parenting expert. I had no doubts.
My second baby’s sleep struggles
My second child was a very different sleeper. She began to exhibit signs that she was a difficult sleeper at four weeks of age. My first child was a champion from the beginning, but my second child was perpetually restless. She would wake up every few hours and cry uncontrollably. It was as if she didn’t care about sleep at all.
At first, I thought it was a phase. As newborns have unpredictable sleeping patterns, I assumed it was just a phase. As the weeks turned into months, things only got worse. I tried all the sleep books and the soothing techniques that had worked with my first child. I even tried changing the routines. But nothing helped. She still screamed and refused to settle down. She slept in fits, never more than a few minutes at a stretch. It was not only frustrating, but exhausting. I thought the transition from having one child to having two would be smoother, but I was faced with a whole new world of sleepless night. This was especially difficult after my perfect sleep with my firstborn.
Realizing that there is no one size fits all
After trying all the sleep techniques I could imagine, I finally came to a very important conclusion: every baby is different. What worked with my first child did not work for my second. My second child’s sleep pattern was different from my first. I tried to sleep train her and follow expert advice, but she refused. I had to accept that my child was different and adjust my expectations.
It was not an easy realization. It’s easy for parents to think that if they do everything correctly, their baby will sleep according to the rules. It can be frustrating when this doesn’t occur. I felt overwhelmed with guilt, frustration and self-doubt. Was there something I did wrong? Was it because I wasn’t trying hard enough? Why was my second child so different?
Some babies just aren’t good sleepers. Infant sleep is not a one-size fits all solution. Some babies struggle more than others. It was a rude awakening to find out that sleep deprivation had become my new normal. I had to adapt to my new normal.
The Exhaustion – A 24/7 Struggle
It is exhaustion, not the lack of sleep that makes it so difficult to have a baby. It can seem like you are living in a fog when you wake up every few minutes, or even multiple times within the same hour. The physical, mental, and emotional toll is not only about sleep loss. You start to feel like a zombie. You go through the motions, but are not fully present. You lose the feeling of a good night’s sleep, and tasks that were once easy seem like Herculean efforts.
It was a constant struggle to keep up with my baby, my older son, and myself, while also managing my fatigue. The pressure was enormous. I was struggling to complete daily tasks such as cooking, laundry or engaging in meaningful conversation. It felt as if I was walking around in a fog. The guilt was also a factor. I’d see parents with babies that slept through night and wonder what was wrong. Was it my fault my baby didn’t sleep through the night? Why did I struggle so much, when other people seemed to be doing it with ease? The loneliness and isolation increased.
When I felt that my baby’s struggles with sleep were never ending, those were the most difficult times. I spent hours rocking, feeding, and trying to calm her down. I thought, “Maybe it will work this time.” She didn’t sleep much. It often felt as if I was fighting a losing battle to get her to go to sleep, and my exhaustion kept increasing. The light at the other end of the dark tunnel was difficult to see.
Comparing sleep problems
The social pressures that come with dealing with a baby that won’t fall asleep are another painful part of the situation. I was sitting in a food court, with my daughter crying uncontrollably. I barely slept three hours the night before, and felt like a zombie. While I was trying to calm her, I heard a conversation between an understanding grandmother and a mother of a baby the same age. The grandmother was proud to mention that her granddaughter slept eight hours the previous night, while the mother excitedly announced that her child had already slept through the night.
The lump in my throat made me swallow and remind myself to breath. It was difficult to hear. I realized that it was easy to compare my baby’s struggles with sleep to other parents. Of course, I wasn’t alone. I knew many parents with babies who also struggled to sleep. But in that moment I felt like the worst mom in the world. I felt judged even though no one had said anything negative. I felt judged because my baby didn’t sleep like other babies.
The Truths That I Learned
After feeling defeated for months, I made some important discoveries about parenting and sleep. These truths were not always easy to accept but they helped me find peace and shift my perspective.
- You’re not at fault
I blamed myself so much for my baby’s sleeping problems. It’s not my fault that my baby has sleep issues. Sleep deprivation can be attributed to poor parenting or even bad decisions. However babies are unique individuals with different sleep requirements. Sleep isn’t something that you can “fix”, “control” or “manage”. Some babies take longer to adapt to a routine. Let go of guilt and accept that you are doing your best.
- There is No Answer Sometimes
I spent a lot of time looking for the “right answer”, whether it was an effective sleep-training method, a routine or a miracle item. Sometimes, however, it’s just a matter of time. Many things can influence a baby’s sleeping patterns, including teething, growth spurts and developmental milestones. Sometimes, you just have to wait and be patient. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of waiting and being patient.
- Things Get Better
It doesn’t matter how difficult it is in the moment. Things will get better. My baby eventually started sleeping more consistently. She surprised me by sleeping through the night on some nights. Over time, these uninterrupted stretches of sleep grew longer. I remember being shocked the first time she slept 12 hours straight. I wondered if there was something wrong. But that’s when I realized–finally–things had turned a corner. It takes some time but things do get better.
- Be Kind To Yourself
It’s hard to deal with sleep deprivation as a parent. You should be kind to yourself. You may feel like you’re failing, frustrated, or self-doubting, but in reality, you are doing the best that is possible. Do not let other people’s stories or advice cause you to feel that you are doing something wrong. Each baby and family is unique. Ask for help if you need it.
- Patience, Time and Time are the Key
My biggest lesson was to be patient. It was not easy, but it taught me that patience is the key. Sleep does not come at a set time, and each baby grows at his or her own pace. My daughter began sleeping more consistently over time and I learned to enjoy the quieter evenings when they arrived.
Conclusion
Parenting a child who will not sleep can be a challenge. Sleepless nights, frustration and exhaustion are overwhelming. Through my journey, I realized that sleep problems are not an indication of parenting ability. Some babies have a temperament that makes them naturally poor sleepers. It’s important to remember that with time, things will get better. You will get over the sleepless nights one day. Be patient and compassionate towards yourself. You’ll emerge wiser and stronger with a greater appreciation for sleep, as well as the journey you took to get there.
