We recently celebrated our tenth anniversary. I wrote a list of “Ten Things A Decade Of Marriage Taught Me” to acknowledge the lessons we learned over the past decade. This milestone was about much more than romance. It’s about perseverance, commitment, and growth.
In the last ten years we’ve shared many moments, some joyful and others challenging, that have shaped our relationship. This celebration pays tribute to our journey together, including the struggles we’ve faced, the love and family we have built, as well as the lessons we learned. This journey has taught us many lessons over the past decade, and I’m sure it will continue to do so in years to come. What I’ve learned so far about marriage.
1. Anger Won’t Keep You Awake
It’s a nice saying, but it can be unrealistic. After a heated debate, some nights you are just too tired for a discussion. Sleep can provide clarity and a new perspective. It’s okay to be upset at those times. It’s important to make sure that this doesn’t become a pattern. Recognize your feelings and try to deal with them within a reasonable timeframe.
We tried to follow this advice in our early years. This often led to late-night arguments that made us more tired and frustrated. We learned eventually that sometimes some space and time away can be beneficial. This allows for emotions to cool down and both partners to be able to see the situation more clearly. While it is okay to let anger fester, it can lead to more serious issues.
2. You Don’t Have to Agree on Everything
I was worried when we first met about our political differences. Friends were shocked that we could have such divergent views and still be married. Over the years, however, I have come to realize that our lives are much more complex than simple political differences. You can disagree with your partner on some issues but still appreciate the unique qualities they possess, such as their sense of humor or kindness.
These discussions have opened our minds to new perspectives. It can be frustrating when you hear someone else’s point of view, but it can also be educational. One of the most rewarding aspects of our friendship has been learning to have civil dialogue without it becoming a personal attack. This relationship has taught us respect, patience and how to listen. This mutual understanding strengthens both our relationship and encourages personal growth.
3. Being Dependent on Each other is Part of the Gig
I thought independence was important. I used to think that being independent was important. But marriage has taught me the importance of interdependence. We formed this partnership to care for and support each other, which often means relying on one another. It can be intimidating to rely on others, especially when children are involved. But it can also feel empowering.
We share dreams and aspirations when we build a life with each other. We have learned to lean on one another during difficult times, whether it is dealing with work stress, family dynamics, or personal challenges. We become stronger as a unit when we support each other. In those moments of vulnerability, we can discover the strength of our relationship.
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4. It is Important to Give Each Other Time to Do Their Own Thing
The idea of scheduling a time to attend a yoga class before having children seemed strange. I didn’t realize how important it would be. Now I understand that personal time is important for both partners. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires balancing family obligations with personal pursuits. You should allow each other to pursue interests outside the marriage.
Setting boundaries for personal time is not only challenging but also rewarding. If I recharge through yoga, reading, or catching up with my friends, I return to our relationship more energized. This balance creates a more enjoyable relationship. It’s important to make sure that the time spent together is shared by both partners. If one partner feels like they are a martyr it can lead to resentment. Communication is the key to making sure both partners feel supported and valued.
5. Love Doesn’t Mean Tolerating Snoring
My grandfather’s snoring was so loud that it was like a bear, and my grandmother had to endure it for the duration of their marriage. After years of parenting late at night, I have a very low tolerance for interruptions in sleep. We found a solution after much discussion and many sleepless nights. We decided to sleep in separate bedrooms.
This arrangement not only saved my sanity but also preserved the romance. You can be intimate and affectionate without having to sacrifice your need for a good night’s sleep. This is a lesson that maintaining your comfort does not mean you don’t love your partner. It’s all about finding out what works for you both and realizing that a healthy marriage can often mean prioritizing your individual needs.
6. Choosing Love Even When You Don’t Like Each Other
Marriage isn’t a fairytale. You may question your commitment at times due to daily frustrations. In these moments, you must remember that love is an option. The choice to stay and work through the rough patches can lead to a deeper understanding between partners.
I have had days where the smallest of habits, like leaving dirty socks on the floor or forgetting the takeout trash, have brought me to my knees. In these moments of frustration, we need to choose grace. Remember that feelings of overwhelm are only temporary. Your relationship will be defined by your commitment to overcome challenges and emerge stronger.
The strength of your relationship is demonstrated by choosing to love one another, even in difficult circumstances. The rewards of patience and hard work are immeasurable. We laugh about things that used to drive us crazy as we navigate these difficult times.
7. Date Night Should Be A Permanent Part Of Your Diary
It is important to make time for one another. Although I don’t always make date nights a top priority, I do recognize their importance. Date nights are a great way to relax and unwind from the daily stresses. Set aside time for each other to relax and have deeper conversations.
At first, we thought that planning date nights was a burden and something that had to be squeezed into our hectic schedules. We’ve realized that date nights aren’t just a luxury, but a necessity. These moments, whether it is a trip to a new restaurant or a concert or just watching a movie after the children are in bed, allow us the opportunity to reconnect beyond our roles as parents or partners. It may sometimes feel forced, but the benefits outweigh any negatives. This is a great opportunity to reignite that spark which can dim under the pressure of family obligations.
8. Children Are Challenges That Strengthen Relationships
Relationships can be complicated by parenthood. Raising children can leave little time for romance and personal connection. It also strengthens your relationship. You can become closer together as a couple by sharing the joy of watching your children grow.
We have learned how to overcome challenges together. Whether it is juggling schedules at school, managing extracurriculars, or dealing with tantrums. Every experience we share as parents adds a new layer to our relationship. It teaches us teamwork and patience. You and your spouse will be a team in the journey of parenthood, sharing all the highs as well as lows.
Children can distract attention from romantic relationships, but they can also deepen love and commitment. As parents, we are constantly reminded of the reasons we fell in love with each other.
9. Laughter Will Get You Through Almost Anything
Our marriage has survived because of humor. My husband is a master at making people laugh. This includes our children. He has tried to make people laugh when I was about to scream out of frustration. If I can find the humor in the situation it helps me to see the situation from a different perspective.
When I laugh, the mood changes and we are reminded not to take ourselves too seriously. A shared joke or funny memory can help ease tension during stressful times and promote connection. We have learned to enjoy the silly, whether through inside jokes and lighthearted banter. The ability to laugh with each other creates a bond which can withstand the storms of everyday life.
Humor helps to maintain our sense of humor, even amid chaos, as it reminds us that we are all in this together. It’s impossible to overstate the importance of laughter. It is a powerful tool that can help diffuse tension and ignite our relationship.
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10. Growing Together is the Key to Our Changes as We Age
My husband and I have grown as a couple over the past ten years, and we will continue to grow in the next decade. Change can be scary, but it is also a great opportunity. We’ve experienced personal transformations and career changes, as well as changing family dynamics, throughout our marriage.
Our relationship has been strengthened by our understanding that change is part of everyday life. We have had to adapt.
Communication is key to adjusting to new situations and expressing our personal growth. We’ve had to face some uncertainty together as we faced change, but we have found ways to support one another through open and honest communication.
A lasting relationship requires compromise, understanding, and a willingness to grow. We learn patience and humility as we go through these changes. We have maintained a strong relationship by embracing the growth journey, both individually and as a pair.
Conclusion
When I reflect on our decade-long marriage, it’s clear that the journey hasn’t been easy. Undoubtedly, there will be more to learn and discover. But I know my husband is also worth the effort. We are worth it.
We continue to grow as a couple and navigate the challenges of life together. The journey of love is not always easy, but the dedication to nurturing it makes it worthwhile. While we celebrate this landmark, I am looking forward to the adventures ahead, armed as we are with the lessons learned and the love we have cultivated. We look forward to many more laughs, growth, and unwavering love.
