Ah, the miracle of life. A baby entering the world is such a wonderful event with many happy moments throughout the journey. BUT it’s also filled with a lot of icky stuff that most people elect not to tell you about. Here are our top ten gross-out moments of pregnancy and birth.
1. Bulging vulva
Okay, let’s get the horror show that is varicose veins in your VAGINA over and done with first. If your growing baby is placing a lot of pressure on your body, then this could happen to you. Not only will your lady parts look like a Kardashian lip filler incident gone wrong, but they will be super swollen and sore.
2. Roid rage
If you managed to escape swollen veins in your front end, chances are you have them on your rear instead. Yep, the extra weight and constipation caused by pregnancy can also mean your backside suddenly has a few very sore, flesh ‘grapes’ (aka haemorrhoids) appear out of your anus. Be warned: if you’re prone to roid rage already there’s no doubt you’ll get them in pregnancy, and brace yourself for childbirth with all that pushing and straining on your nether regions – ouch!
3. Puff Mummy
I think you’re getting the swollen theme here. Next are cankles and feet that are so puffed up you can only wear thongs, which are both pretty common during pregnancy. You might even blow out in other places too – sausage fingers anyone? All the swelling stuffs up your sinuses too, so you’re probably going to start snoring in your sleep as well.
4. Vomit town
Not every expecting mum gets morning sickness, but for those who get the vomits, it’s bad. Some women even have it throughout their whole pregnancy (not just the early months), so that’s nine months of constantly feeling yuck and puking in the toilet. And some women vomit during birth too, especially if they’ve had drugs or been induced.
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5. Poo problems
As mentioned above, constipation is a common symptom of pregnancy which is not fun for anyone. However, some women get the opposite and have the runs. Whatever your situation, one thing’s for sure: your bowel movements are going to change. Oh and farts, lots of farts.
5. Leaky lady
Going to the toilet frequently is all part of the deal when you’ve got a bun in the oven, but get those panty liners at the ready because you’ll probably also wee a little bit anytime you sneeze, laugh or move quickly. And this continues once the baby is out. Milky boob leaks and vaginal discharge when pregnant are also lovely new additions to your life.
6. Sweaty, itchy and hairy
Many expecting mums will sweat a lot more than usual and develop strange itches, rashes, skin discolouration and the dark line called a linea nigra on their belly (don’t worry that goes). You stop losing hair when pregnant, so your tresses will look amazing and thick, but the excess hair everywhere else isn’t so nice. After birth, you will lose hair like crazy too, but don’t worry you’re not going bald.
7. The ‘show’
We’re not talking about the main event here (aka the birth), this is the mucus plug that seals your cervix when you’re carrying a baby and comes away before delivery. It’s called a ‘show’ (!) and is a sticky, jelly-like pink mucus (insert vomit emoji). While some women are blissfully unaware of this particular event due it happening mid-birth, for many, it comes away early as a bit of a preview to the real show as a sign that you’re going into labour.
8. Congratulations, it’s a poo
Another special delivery that arrives before your baby does is your poo. Even if you can’t see it during labour, boy will you smell it. In previous generations, doctors used to perform enemas (bowel clean out) before birth, but not any more as they think pushing out a poo first helps you deliver your baby faster. Cameras at the ready people!
9. The splits
If you’re having a vaginal delivery and carrying a large baby, there’s a good chance she will rip your vagina on the way out. Maybe even all the way around to the back – eek! The good news is that these days doctors and midwives are on to it and will help prevent this by slowing your pushes or performing a small snip (episiotomy) to widen the opening and prevent a gigantic tear.
10. Head origami
Ever wondered how your baby’s head fits out of your tiny vagina? Well, of course, your cervix widens naturally but did you know your baby’s head also folds in and out like a piece of god damn origami?! So squished inwards on exiting and then out again once in the world. The head is so malleable that sometimes it even takes a while for the ‘conehead’ shape to sort itself out.
Pregnancy and birth is the stuff of freak show carnivals we tell you – and we haven’t even mentioned post-birth delights like delivering the placenta or mastitis from breastfeeding. Lucky babies are so darn cute!
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