As a parent, hilarious mum Google searches become part of your daily routine, especially during those sleepless nights. From toddler dinner ideas to bizarre questions, these searches reveal the real, unfiltered side of motherhood for Australian parents.
Google is more than just a search engine once you’re a mother. Google becomes your midnight therapist and trusted medical hotline. (Yes, you should always consult a doctor.) It is your source for answers without judgment when you are too embarrassed to speak with someone.
We’ve all done it. We’ve all done it. We have scrolled furiously in the dark at 3 am while feeding a baby, our faces illuminated by the soft glow from our phone screens. We were desperate for answers. In that spirit, I present to you eight of my most hilarious mum Google searches since becoming a mother. Each one has its own story and panic spiral. Thankfully, they all ended in relief. baby care.
1. How do you remove poop from carpet?: My Most Hilarious Mum Google Searches
Few things will humble you more than kneeling on your hands and knees to scrub a newly laid toddler turd from the carpet using baby wipes. You know what it’s like to toilet train a toddler.
It’s important to note that no two pooing incidents are alike. It can be a small accident or a full-body explosion. What if you have carpet in your house? Oh, boy. This one will be Googled many times.
Spoiler alert! No, baby wipes will not do. You do need an enzyme cleaner. This is a phase. A gross, traumatising phase–but a phase nonetheless.
2. Why is my baby’s face tilted back? “
The panic medical scroll. You’re looking at your baby lovingly, and you notice that his head is leaning. Is this normal? Is this normal, or the start of something horrible? You’re in an old online forum dating back to 2009, where someone has mentioned “torticollis,” which sets off the spiral.
This search was triggered by my son’s “gangster lean”. It looked like his cute little tilt was intentional, as if he were trying to launch a baby-rap career. It turned out to be Torticollis. This is a common neck condition that’s caused by tight muscles. It’s nothing serious. Just something to keep an eye on and treat gently with some stretching exercises.
The Internet is full of scary worst-case scenarios. But every once in a while, you get what you want: a name, an answer, and sweet, sweet peace.
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3. Why is my breastmilk yellow? “
When I was pumping milk and saw what appeared to be a shot glass of radioactive fluorescent orange liquid, I panicked.
I knew that breastmilk can vary in colour – sometimes it’s creamy, other times it’s a little more watery. What about this? It looked as if I had poured straight lemon cordial. Was I sick? Was my milk bad? My baby would glow in the darkness?
vitamin supplements. Breastmilk can turn neon yellow, just like when you take your multivitamin. Who knew?
Breastmilk can be green, blue or orange, depending on the food you eat and how your body processes things. Babies seem not to care. What about us, first-time mothers? Heart palpitations.
4. How many poos does a child need to do in a day?” “
I feel as if I have spent a decade tracking my bowel movements. It’s a secondary job. In the beginning, it can be all-consuming.
You’re not sure what’s going on. One friend mentions that her baby poops once every eight weeks, but yours seems to have a four-times-daily poop-athon. Constipation or diarrhea? Diarrhoea? Is your child a rare medical marvel or a rare disease?
What is the truth? When it comes to baby poos, there is a wide variety of “normal”. Formula-fed babies may go for days without pooping, while breastfed babies are more likely to go multiple times per day. Once solids are introduced, what happens? The game is now open. All bets are off.
Don’t be shocked if, at 2 am, you find yourself comparing online nappy pictures. Even the most seasoned of us can fall into a wormhole at 2 am comparing nappy photos online.
5. When will my Hair Stop Shedding? “
Nobody told me how emotionally damaging postpartum hair loss could be. PANDA.
The hair-apocalypse I experienced around three months after giving birth was not something I had anticipated. The next minute, I had gorgeous, pregnancy goddess-like hair. Next, I was pulling out small rodent-sized clumps every time I brushed.
I was sure I was balding. I googled everything, from iron deficiency and alopecia to stress-induced shedding. Hair loss after childbirth is completely normal. You’re losing hair because your body is catching up to what you did during pregnancy.
It took nearly a year to even out. But yes, it does. You’re not balding. But why not invest in a drain catcher that works? Highly recommended.
6. Can you give too much fruit to a child? “
I remember being proud to see how much fruit my baby loved in the early stages of weaning. There was no need for pouches, just pure fibre-packed goodness in a hand-held format. My kid was a fruitarian. He ate bananas, strawberries, blueberries and mango. Then I realised he also went A LOT.
Google was my first stop. I started by searching “can fruit make babies poop too much?” This led me to search “how much natural sugar is too much?” and then “can my baby overdose on Vitamin C?”
I panicked. I panicked. I was worried that I had permanently damaged his insides by putting an overzealous bowl of fruit in front of him.
Too much fruit can lead to digestive overload. Particularly pears, apple juice, and prunes. A healthy balance is important, but like everything in parenting, it can swing. What’s the current trend? This same child will only eat a banana that is covered with Nutella. parenting advice. Raising Children Network.
7. What does Green Poo Indicate? “
It’s a little unsettling to open a nappy only to find shrek coloured poop. It’s not clear why green is more unsettling than mustard yellow, pumpkin orange or even mustard.
Of course, I googled it. And once again, I was plunged into a world of possible causes–foremilk/hindmilk imbalance, teething, iron supplements, viruses, spinach overload. It was like playing roulette with nappies.
Green poo in babies is not something to worry about. When it happens repeatedly, or when it is accompanied by other symptoms, should you be concerned? It’s best to consult a doctor if you’re experiencing this symptom frequently or in combination with other symptoms.
Green nappies remain a parenting milestone. You’re now officially a member of the club.
8. Is it Bad that a Child Swallows Sand?”
We live near a beach, and I am confident that my children have eaten more sand than some crabs.
They crammed fistfuls into their mouths with the stealth and speed of a raccoon the moment I turned my back. They thought it was a seasoning.
It was only natural that I did a Google search: “Is Sand Toxic?” “What Happens If Baby Eats Sand?” “Will My Child Poop A Sandcastle?” Okay, maybe not the last question, but it’s close.
It turns out that swallowing a small amount of clean sand can be harmless. The sand passes through your system with little drama, but the next napkin is a sight to behold. Ingesting too much (or contaminated ) sand can be problematic, so it is important to keep an eye on things.
The lesson learned is that you can childproof your house, but it won’t stop the kids from licking.
The Bottom line: Mum-Google is a wild ride
Being a parent is a big responsibility. You are suddenly responsible for guiding countless lives… without any formal training. We Google. It’s instinctive. It’s survival.
While I have learned to be cautious when taking online advice (and to double-check the sources), I honestly do not know what I would have done without Google. Google has entertained me, calmed and educated me – and yes, sometimes terrified me.
If you are a new parent, you may be searching for things you have never thought of.
You’re not the only one. We’ve been there. We’re still there.
Parenting is unpredictable, messy and filled with questions that no one can prepare you for. Keep asking questions, keep laughing and keep a carpet cleaning solution on hand just in case. children’s health.
