Be Wary of Mean Mums: How to Recognize Her and What Steps Can Be Taken.
Motherhood can be a marathon, and having a strong network of supportive friends is often essential to managing its highs and lows. Finding other mums who encourage and cheer you on can be amazing; we all need that group who celebrate victories while sharing in your struggles. Yet sometimes there can be someone lurking within that circle who undermines it all: an “enemy mum”, someone whose passive-aggressive behaviour, criticism or exclusion starts taking its toll over time.
Motherhood can be challenging enough without adding toxic friendships into the mix. You don’t want a mum friend that leaves you feeling depleted, insecure, and less-than. So how do you spot mean mothers before they become permanent fixtures in your life? Here are the key signs to look out for and ways you can safeguard against this kind of negativity.
1. She Is Passively Aggressive in Her Judgment of You
Initial interactions with a mean mum may seem innocuous; her comments often take the form of jokes or casual remarks that leave you with an uncomfortable lingering sensation. One tactic used by this type of parent is passive-aggressiveness – instead of being upfront and supportive, she judges you subtly wrapped up in pleasantness.
As an example, she might say something like this: “I don’t mean to judge anyone here, but it baffles me why some mothers allow their children to co-sleep when this can only lead to bad habits in future?” Or perhaps something along these lines: “My kids always ate home-cooked meals so it would be interesting to know how other children on processed food are faring.”
At first glance, these comments may seem harmless or helpful, but over time they become overwhelming and make you feel powerless to make any choices that make sense for yourself or your child. Instead of providing support or understanding as individuals may differ in their choices; she implies her way is the correct path and all other choices must be wrong.
2. She Always Thinks She Knows Better
Another telltale sign of a mean mum is her unwavering belief that she always knows more than you. Even during discussions regarding your parenting choices or milestones for your child, she will unabashedly offer unsolicited advice, often delivered through criticism.
Assume you’re discussing why your toddler still wakes multiple times at night, and mention nursing your infant to sleep as one solution. She quickly responds with comments like, “Oh, that’s just an association between breastfeeding and sleeping; that can only create more problems if it continues!” The implication behind these statements can be particularly hurtful; no matter how small the decision might seem to you; mean moms always prefer their way.
Over time, this can take its toll on your confidence. Feeling constantly judged or invalidated after every conversation can erode trust in the relationship and prompt second-guessing about everything that’s being said or done by either party involved. If this becomes a regular occurrence for you then perhaps taking a step back is necessary and reviewing how the situation stands now.
3. She Eroded Your Confidence
An unhealthy friendship is more than what someone says–it’s also about how they make you feel. If the presence of certain mums makes you question who you are or questions the decisions that you’ve made for yourself, that might be a telltale sign that their influence on you is doing more damage than good. A mean mother might not shout or criticize directly but her constant undermining can wear away at your confidence and put an undercut into your sense of self-worth.
After spending time with her, you may begin to doubt yourself as a mother. A playdate or coffee meet-up could leave you feeling more insecure than when you arrived; if this is happening to you, take note; motherhood requires confidence and any person actively undermining it is not someone worth keeping close by.
4. Your Thoughts About Her Keep Coming Back Too Often
After speaking to a healthy and supportive mum, you might feel uplifted, validated, and even inspired. Conversely, conversing with an insensitive or mean mother could have the opposite effect: leaving you to spend hours replaying something she said over and over in your mind; these conversations cause you to second guess your parenting choices, abilities and even your identity!
If her presence in your life is having a detrimental effect on your emotional well-being, this may be an indicator that their presence should be reduced or eliminated. Healthy friendships shouldn’t leave us dwelling on their behaviour; instead, they should leave us feeling positive, supported, and confident; otherwise, it might be time to reconsider whether she belongs in your circle at all.
5. She Has Made You Cry
Crying over another mother friend can be a telltale sign that your relationship is unhealthy; emotional manipulation, sharp criticism or even well-intentioned but harmful advice could all have detrimental effects on mental health – not exactly what good friendship should do! A good mother friend should make you feel supported rather than emotionally depleted.
If you find yourself often finding yourself in tears when spending time with one mother, that should be an alarm bell. You deserve to surround yourself with people who make you feel loved rather than small; surround yourself with people who support and lift up rather than those who pull you down.
6. She Is Exclusive, Not Inclusive
Mean mums tend to be cliquey and exclusive. They tend to form their own “inner circle” of mums they trust, often leaving others out. You might notice she arranges playdates, outings or gatherings but only invites certain mums. Perhaps she even forms a private Facebook group or WhatsApp chat for certain mums while leaving others out – like returning to schoolyard dynamics!
If you find yourself outside the inner circle or excluded from social gatherings, it could be more than mere coincidence. A mean mother thrives on exclusivity as a way of controlling and manipulating others; if this excludes you from important conversations or events, it may be time to reconsider whether the friendship should continue.
7. She Doesn’t Seem Caring About My Child
At the core of being a mother is unconditional love for your children and those belonging to other mothers as well. But an unhelpful mum might see your child as more of a threat than an opportunity. When discussing milestones your child has reached like walking or talking early, such as starting walking early she might counter with something like: “Well, my child didn’t start until they were 14 months, but that’s better for their development”.
Mean mums may also behave unkindly towards your children in person. For instance, when your toddler asks for a snack and the mean mum snaps at them to say “please” quickly enough; this behaviour not only undermines but also betrays their trustworthiness as parents.
If a mum friend does not show genuine care for your child or is overly critical, it may be time to leave. You need friends who value both you and your kids rather than ones who undermine either.
Final Thoughts
Motherhood can feel isolating at times, so your friends should make you feel included, heard and appreciated. If any signs of mean moms appear within your circle, it is wise to assess the situation carefully and trust your instincts when assessing friendships that cause anxiety or drain your emotional resources. It may be time for an intervention.
Motherhood offers us incredible friendships: there are many amazing mums out there to be your cheerleaders, soundboards and sources of strength. Choose carefully who enters your life; remembering you deserve friends who support and uphold you rather than drag you down. Don’t settle for anything less!
