Parenting means dealing with some pretty gross things cleaned on a daily basis. From bodily fluids to unexpected messes, Australian parents know the challenges of keeping a home hygienic with little ones around. parenting advice. Raising Children Network.
When you are glowing and pregnant, folding baby onesies with care and painting your nursery in soothing pastels, no one will tell you that. Nobody says “Congratulations!” You are about to enter an exciting season filled with love, joy and cleaning up bodily fluids from every surface in your home. baby care.
Children are germ-producing bombs that walk, talk, and sneeze. They come out of every opening. They leave a trail. They touch things they shouldn’t, and then put their hands in their mouths. Then your mouth.
In honour of all parents who are navigating through this sticky, odourous world, I present to you 11 of the most disgusting things I’ve ever had to clean. Welcome, if you are nodding or gagging in solidarity. You are in the trenches with us.
1. Cracks in the car seat upholstery: 11 Gross Things I Cleaned
Have you ever looked into the depths behind your backseat before? Don’t. You shouldn’t.
I’m not sure what happens back there in the 10 minutes of school runs, but I think it might be an apocalypse. I don’t know what happens back there during the 10-minute school run, but I suspect some kind of apocalypse.
Even in winter, there’s always enough sand to fill a beach. We can still see the ocean even if it’s been six months since we last saw it. Where does it originate? Nobody knows. Narnia is a possibility.
2. The Toddler Car Seat Post-Vomit Edition
You’ve never had to clean vomit from a toddler’s car seat. Raising Children Network.
My eldest child once vomited on the highway while driving to the airport. My hero brother-in-law cleaned the entire seat using just one nappy wipe.
One. Single. Wipe.
He is a Saint. A wizard. Jesus. I’ll never forget the day, nor the faint scent of curdled milk that lingered on for six months.
3. Poo on Carpet
Toilet training. Toilet training.
I had a child once who decided to run around the living room with a grin on his face, while poo poured out of his pants like breadcrumbs.
The carpet was a cream colour.
The pile was shag.
What is my will to live? My will to live?
On all fours and wearing pink rubber gloves, I was weeping softly into a bucket filled with warm, soapy, lukewarm water while whispering “My life”. MY LIFE. “
4. You can also poop on the toilet seat and walls. The floor. And…)
We love you, little boys. How can you miss the bowl when it is 20cm away from you?!
It is said that bathrooms with boys have a particular smell. The smell of a public toilet meets a haunted crime scene is unmistakable.
I have a cloth that I hang near the toilet and I call it “the wee wiper”. “I use it every time I enter the bathroom.
I’m considering getting it its very own Instagram page.
5. Cracks on the High Chair
Few places are more dangerous from a biological standpoint than the underside of high chairs.
Every crack, seam and buckle is a Petri plate of rice cakes, peas and mashed bananas that have been gnawed on, rejected, and lovingly shoved beneath the seat by chubby fingers.
Only one type of highchair is worth purchasing:
You can take it outside and wash it like farm equipment.
You can also feed them outside. You’re already 98% feral.
6. Straps of Doom (aka The Five-Point Harness)
What are those handy five-point safety straps that come with car seats, highchairs, and prams? These are dirt traps that have been designed to catch milk vomit and old cheese particles.
In a moment of productivity, I once tried to clean the straps on my high chair with an old toothbrush. It took me two hours. Two. Full. Hours.
What did I get in return? The smell is what I can only describe as “rotting dogs wrapped in old rope, marinated in baby spit.”
10/10 do not recommend.
7. Toilet Bowl Objects
If you haven’t fished anything out of a toilet, then you aren’t a true parent.
Your curious toddler may have “dropped” a toy truck, plastic dinosaur or a sandwich crust into your while you were blinking.
You’ll find the syringe before they flush it if you’re fortunate.
You may be unfortunate, and the plumber will dig up your pipes while parking Portaloos in your yard.
I lived it. I experienced it. If you are elbow-deep in water from the toilet, you’re lucky — you have a very fortunate life.
8. Baby’s first chocolate ice cream
It begins beautifully. When you give your baby a soft serve cone, they stare at you as if you had just given them a unicorn.
Five minutes have passed.
Your baby’s skin is covered with chocolate. The shirt of child is destroyed. Your shirt is ruined. The highchair is a battle zone. The floor is a mess. You’re sticky where you didn’t even know sweat glands existed.
What started as a Kodak Moment is now a full-scale clean-up that involves multiple towels, 3 outfit changes and a complete body wipe-down.
It’s adorable.
is also how I died in my heart, just a tiny.
9. The Couch: Under it, behind it, within it
Don’t spend money on an expensive, plush couch if you are expecting a child.
Purchase a leather sofa.
You can clean leather.
It is not possible to wipe fabrics that have been soaked in milk or baby spit.
What’s under your couch cushions, exactly? The Underworld
- Sultanas starting in 2022
- Lego heads
- A fossilised banana
- You’ve been looking for that remote since January
don’t give it to someone else. Do not give it to anyone. Just set it on fire and slowly walk away.
10. Soggy Mattresses
When you buy that expensive organic cotton toddler bed, you don’t know this:
When your child wets their bed for the first time, you will no longer be able to use that mattress.
You will try to scrub. You will try to clean. You will light incense. It will be air-conditioned for days. The first night of the summer is hot, and when the child lies down, the smell returns.
It comes back. It’s like a ghost.
Only waterproof mattress protectors. Or just buy cheap mattresses and burn them when needed.
11. The source of the Stench: Preschool Lunchboxes and Bags
You can smell it in your house. You know that faint smell of death met the compost bin in your home?
Check your child’s bag. Open it with care, as if it were a suspicious package. You may find a Lunchbox inside.
- Half a sandwich, unknown origin
- Fermented banana
- The explosion of a yoghurt pouch in Week 4
- Dreams of a tidy house are no longer a dream.
What’s my advice? My advice?
Throw the bag out of the window.
Or, into the sun.
Last Thoughts: Parenting is gross. You are doing an amazing job.
The joys and challenges of parenting are many: beautiful, exhausting… and, undeniably, disgusting.
If you’ve made it this far, then you probably have scrubbed yoghurt from your couch cushions and picked up a sausage that was half-chewed out of your car cupholder in the past month. What about that? You deserve respect.
You are not the only one. You are not alone.
Next time you find yourself on your hands and knees, muttering under your breath as you clean poop from a shag rug, just remember that you are not broken. You are just a parent.
One day, in a few years, your couch will be able to support you.
You’ll miss it when your bathroom no longer smells of fermented juice or despair.
You might want to reconsider this.
It’s not the same. children’s health.
