Why Parenting Has Become a Competitive Game
In the past, parenting was a private and often humble journey, filled with love, frustration, and growth. In today’s social media world, with its parenting blogs, curated benchmarks, and constant comparisons, something has changed. What was once a personal, natural path to raising children is now a high-stakes game where parenting can feel like a competition.
Parents are raising the next generation of scholars, athletes, or musicians. They’re also generating applause for their efforts.
This detailed exploration will help you understand how parenting has become a race and why it is so difficult to stop. We’ll also show you how to shift your mindset to focus on what matters most: raising resilient children who are happy.
Parenting in an Age of Comparison
It begins early, sometimes even before the birth of our children. Before we have slept a night, we are already comparing weights at birth, sleep patterns, developmental milestones, and exchanging anxious notes about which baby has walked, ta, or read first.
Michael Grose is an author, parenting educator, and founder of Parents Ideas. He points out that many times these comparisons stem from instinct, but one that is misguided: the desire to excel and be seen succeeding.
Grose explains, “We want to appear to be good parents.” It starts at a young age. When our children achieve milestones or do something clever, we feel proud. But that soon becomes a standard against which to compare ourselves with others.
The problem is right there. The achievements of children are less about them and more about what they reflect on their parents. Are we competent? Are we competent? Are we more competent than other parents? Grose describes “the politics” of parenting as a result of this emotional and social benchmarking.
Parenting Pedestals are on the Rise
It’s not a new thing to feel pressured to be a “perfect parent”, but in today’s hyper-connected world, it is amplified. The impact of social media has been profound. Instagram and Facebook are filled with photos of children who have won awards, learned new instruments, excelled in sports, or earned school honors, all accompanied by heartfelt, filtered captions.
Even though most parents are aware that they shouldn’t take anything at face value, the inner comparison is still very real. The “Facebook Effect” creates an illusion of perfection, where tantrums, messiness, slow development, or bad days are hidden behind a wall that is curated with positivity and achievement.
Grose says, “We are almost taught to compare ourselves with each other.” Behind closed doors, there are often struggles, but we do not see them. “We only see the highlights reel.”
Small Families, Big Expectations
The shrinking family unit is another factor that drives parenting competition. The stakes increase as families shrink. When there are only one or two kids, rather than five or 6, the stakes become higher. All of our hopes, dreams, and anxieties are placed on the shoulders of a single child.
Grose laughs and says, “If you had six children, there would only be one good child.” “But the pressure is greater with fewer children.” “Each child is expected to meet more expectations.”
It creates a culture where parenting becomes more than just support. It’s about optimizing. We examine every skill, interest, and behavior to see if it shows potential or excellence. We feel compelled to intervene when we see a perceived gap, especially when comparing ourselves to others.
Are we Parenting or Projecting?
Love is at the root of it all. We want to do the best we can for our children. As Grose notes, sometimes our attempts to “guide” children can lead us to project our unfulfilled hopes or fears onto them.
He says, “We as parents all have dreams and hopes.” “But they are often carried by our children, especially our firstborns.”
We may unconsciously direct our children in the same direction if we are from a family of academics. We may overcorrect if we are artistic but have been discouraged from pursuing it.
While support and encouragement are important, it is easy to blur the line between them and pressure. Grose says that when we strive for the best outcome for our children, they feel it too. They can feel our anxiety and hope, which can be a burden.
Comparison and Developmental Clocks: The Danger!
A major pitfall in competitive parenting is ignoring the simple truth that every child has a different developmental timeline.
Grose explains that children have their developmental clock. “That’s the reason why comparisons are dangerous.”
We can either feel unnecessarily anxious or smug when we compare the speech and reading abilities of one child to another. But neither is helpful to the child. Children thrive when they are supported and not rushed.
Grose does note that comparisons are useful in certain situations, especially when a child lags behind 85% of his peers. He says that this can be an important marker. “But, even then, it’s important to respond with love and support, rather than judgment.”
What is the Problem with Push?
It’s easy to “nudge” our kids in the same direction when we see others succeeding, whether or not that suits them. Grose suggests a more considerate approach.
He says that one of the first things to consider is what your child’s strengths and interests are. It can be difficult if you are a parent who is very academic and your child doesn’t have the same interests.
He says to resist the temptation to mold children in our image, and instead observe what makes them glow. Is it the music? What is building? Storytelling? Leadership? Instead of pushing them to achieve externally validated results, we should nurture their natural abilities.
Some children need a gentle push, especially if they are struggling with motivation and confidence. Grose says that if your child isn’t walking or talking by a certain time, it’s a sign. But outside of these developmental concerns, it is more important to listen to your child’s speed.
It’s Not About You!
Underneath a lot of this competitive parenting is a simple, but uncomfortable truth: Ego. Grose states that parenting involves a great deal of ego. We all want to believe we are doing a good job. Having successful children is a part of this self-image.
This is especially true in communities that closely link parenting success to social status. We’re caught in a cycle of performative parenting, whether it’s elite schools, extracurricular awards, or stories about child prodigies. We do things to appear, rather than for their benefit.
What is the downside? We lose sight of our children’s true personalities. We miss the chance to connect with them authentically, to accept their flaws, their quirks, and their individuality–because we’re too busy managing the “parent brand.”
Stepping out of the Arena
How can we stop parenting from being a sport?
Grose suggests a few different strategies.
- Turn Down the Noise: Avoid spending excessive time on social media and in parent groups, where competition is rampant. It’s not useful if it makes you feel anxious or discouraged.
- Focus Your Attention on Your Child– Ask: What does my? What are the strengths of my child? How can I help them develop?
- Show Gratitude and Avoid Comparison – Celebrate your child’s achievements without comparing them to others. Everyone can shine.
- Be Honest about Struggles. Let’s normalise the conversation on parenting challenges. The more we let go of the facade, we will receive and give support.
- Lead With Love, Not Performance– Our kids don’t require us to be flawless. They need us to show up, be kind, and supportive.
Conclusion
Parenting is not a competition. It’s certainly not a résumé. It’s not a resume. This is a relationship that will last a lifetime, built on love and trust, as well as learning and growth, for both parent and child.
Next time you hear that seven-year-old is learning Mandarin or playing violin concertos, smile and take a deep breath. Don’t let their success derail your own.
Your child does not need you to compete. You need to believe in your child, see him, hear him, and accept him as he is.
