Resilience. Resilience is the buzzword for parenting in the new decade.
You’ll see it over and over again in parenting forums and at school wellbeing nights: we need to raise resilient kids. Children who can “bounce back” handle life’s inevitable obstacles head-on and handle adversity gracefully. Tough Love Does not Raise Resilient Kids
In our quest to raise emotionally resilient little humans, one dangerous myth keeps popping up: that the only way to build resilience is through tough love.
We can harden our children into the adults that the world needs if we stop coddling them, detach from them, push harder and cuddle less.
Here’s the truth backed up by child development experts and common sense parenting:
It’s not built by hardening our children. Showing up for our children is the best way to build resilience. Over and over. Particularly when things are hard.
We’ll unpack this. If you feel the pressure to be a “stronger”, “smarter” parent in light of the rising anxiety among youth, cyberbullying and emotional challenges, you are not alone. There is a better solution. A more humane way.
The Misunderstood Quest for Resilience: Tough Love Does not Raise Resilient Kids
It’s not hard to see why resilience is such a popular topic.
We are raising our children in a faster, noisier, and more demanding world than we did when we were kids. It’s not surprising that we worry about our children’s ability to cope with the pressures of social media, mental health issues, and school expectations.
Some people say that we have become softer.
Our parenting is too permissive, too soft, and too focused on feelings.
We’ve all heard it: “Helicopter parenting is ruining children! “Millennials aren’t able to handle criticism!” “We are raising a generation full of snowflakes!” “
Then comes the knight in shining armour, our resilience. This is the golden key to raising resilient children.
Here’s where logic begins to falter: If we think that modern parenting has become “too soft,” then it would seem natural to assume the solution is to “toughen up.”
Wrong.
What is Resilience?
Anthony Semann is a well-respected early childhood educator, parenting speaker and author.
People who are resilient know how to walk in the rain, they just know when and where to open their umbrella.
Resilience doesn’t mean becoming immune to struggles. It’s about not avoiding pain or pushing it down.
is the ability to navigate through difficult situations. You can be resilient by feeling the emotions, facing the difficult moments and knowing that you will come out of it stronger and wiser.
Children don’t learn to be tough by being told to “toughen up” or to let them cry.
Semann says that you can only teach resilience if you also have empathy.
Resilience begins in connection, not correction
Take a typical example: Your child has a public meltdown at the supermarket. You are tired and stressed. All eyes are on you.
They’ll learn this isn’t acceptable.” Then they’ll realise that this is not acceptable .”
What about the resilience-building strategy? It’s here to stay.
It kneels. It breathes. It says:
I know you are upset. “I know you wanted chocolate. Although I’m not saying yes, I’m still there. I still love you.”
Here’s how building resilience in real life looks. Not yelling. Not yelling. Not abandoning. Staying with your child through the storm – emotionally and physically – until they find calm is all that’s required.
Resilience is action. They learned it along with you and not in spite.
Why Emotional Coaching is the real secret sauce
Children don’t know how to control their emotions from birth. Even adults still struggle with this!
It’s for this reason that emotion-coaching – teaching kids how to express their emotions – is such a powerful way of raising resilient people.
Anthony Semann suggests that the first step to emotional resilience is for children to name and understand their emotions. They’re better able to deal with their emotions when they know what they are feeling, whether it’s anger, sadness, or worry.
Start here:
1. Do not tell them “It is okay” when it’s not
When our child is upset, it’s out of love that we do this. We say You’ll be fine,”, or Don’t worry.
But if they just lost their dog or their best friend has left them, then is not okay. They can feel isolated if you tell them they should.
Instead, say:
I can tell you’re sad. This makes sense. “Losing someone you care about is very difficult.”
It teaches them to accept difficult emotions as normal. They learn that grief, anger and fear are not signs of weakness. These emotions are signs of humanness.
2. Explain that Worrying is Normal
We are all worried. Children do too. When they can’t express their worry, it can be a silent, heavy burden.
Instead of dismissing the problem with “There’s no need to worry,” you can try to normalise it.
Say:
It’s understandable that you are worried about the start of school. It’s going to be a big transition. “Let’s talk about your fears.”
Next, gently question the fears. Is your worry real or just a feeling you have? What is the probability of the worst-case scenario?
Semann says it plainly:
“Worrying can be a feeling.” “Feelings are real, but they’re often not reality.”
This distinction is a goldmine for the emotional toolkit of a child.
3. Help Them to Become “Thought Detectives”
Kids can also spiral into negative thought patterns.
Encourage them to pause and reflect on their thoughts.
Say:
“Hmm… let’s search for clues.” Have you been treated unfairly today? Yesterday, who did you play with?
Teach your students that is not a fact and that they can choose to believe one or the other. This is a life-long skill.
4. Connect first, then lower the bar
Here’s what it all boils down to: Resilient kids are born from families with strong and secure relationships.
It is your first and foremost responsibility as a parent to be there. Every day. Not perfectly. Just be honest.
Be silly with them. Be silly together. Talk about your struggles and how you deal with them. Let them see you cry. Take a deep breath and then try again.
Then, lower your expectations.
Kids are often expected to regulate themselves like adults:
“You ought to know better.”
Anthony reminds us that:
We expect our children to be perfect. Some of these things are difficult to learn.
Imagine how long it took for you to learn how to be patient, to deal with frustration and to let go of disappointment. You are still learning, too.
Resilience takes time (and so do we)
We don’t speak about this powerful truth enough: the majority of parents are already extremely resilient.
You have to get up every morning after a sleepless night, deal with meltdowns and anxiety while at work, manage household chaos and try to “get it all right”.
With one hand, you wipe away tears and with the other, pack lunches. You have to juggle fear, guilt, joy and wonder before 8 am.
That’s resilience.
It is important to recognise it within ourselves before we can teach our children.
We are more likely to parent calmly if we extend compassion within. Connect, not correct.
True resilience begins there.
Summary: The Resilience recipe (No Tough Love Required)
It is outdated to say that children need to be ‘hardened’ to become strong.
Teach them to feel instead.
What are the emotions?
How to challenge someone’s thoughts.
How to remain present with pain without breaking down.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak.
Find safety in your connection, not in solitude.
It’s okay for them to fall, and it’s even better to lean on someone if they do.
The ability to endure struggle is what makes a person resilient.
They learn to carry them by seeing how YOU carry them.
Let’s raise kids who are resilient to life’s challenges, not by making them tougher, but by establishing a foundation of love, understanding and unshakeable trust.
When kids know that they can always return home, both emotionally and physically, they don’t just bounce right back.
They rise.
