Be sure that you’re sitting down for this one, because it’s quite the wild ride, but we share it in the spirit of preschool parent solidarity.
The story begins with mum Andrea Mangum Chapman who admits she’d been battling with her young son over toilet training for a little while. Andrea’s little boy is not so keen to poop in the potty, it would appear. There are other places that seem like a much nicer home for his doodie.
Sharing her harrowing story on Facebook, Andrea suggested to other parents of small children that maybe their day hadn’t been quite as bad as they’d thought …
“Our dear three-year-old child, who is sweet and cunning and adorable and obviously under the influence of Satan, is in the process of potty training,” Andrea began.
“Despite our sincerely half-hearted attempts and hopes that he’ll just learn on his own, pooping on the potty remains a mountain that he will not climb.”
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Plop plot twist
I think many of us have been there, so the story so far will surprise nobody. But hold that thought.
“Today when we were diligently leaving our children to their own devices, the littlest spawn felt the urge to poop,” Andrea continued.
“For reasons yet unknown he stopped the dryer which was full of freshly washed and nearly dried clothes, and pulled out a few crisp garments. He pooped on them.”
Oh dear god. Still. It’s not SUPER unusual, is it? I mean, weird, but not off the charts, right? But hold that thought.
“Then, in fulfilment of the evil deeds which were no doubt whispered into his ear by the Lord of Darkness,” Andrea goes on – and … wait for it – “he put those clothes along with the turds he had released upon them back into the dryer. And pressed ‘tumble’.”
Please. No. Help.
“Hot faecal chaos”
“What happened in those next few minutes,” a traumatised Andrea explained, “was exactly what you are imagining: hot faecal chaos.”
“By the time this disaster was intercepted, each item in the dryer bore the territorial mark of l’enfant terrible and the drum of the dryer was fully coated in his warmed waste.”
God no spew.
“Maybe your child is being annoying today. Perhaps they had a tantrum, or a bad attitude, or burned your house down. But they likely did not put their poop in your dryer. So, my friends, be glad.”
For those in need of some parenting schadenfreude, here is my gift to you: Our dear three year old child, who is sweet…
“Reminds me of Aaron”
Commenters on the post were horrified in their thousands and indeed a little bit glad too.
“Throw the whole toddler away,” one suggested.
“‘Hot faecal chaos’ is my favourite combination of words in the English language,” another (weirdo) admitted.
“Reminds me of Aaron,” someone else said, tagging a friend, “but I’m glad he’s never shit in my tumble dryer.”
Good work Aaron.