30 ways to know you’re a parent of a toddler

There are some universal truths when you live with a little person. Sleep is rare and valued commodity, mealtimes are messy, the house resembles a well-stocked (but chaotic) toy shop and you hear the word “no” a lot. 

Here are some other things we know parents of toddlers will find all too familiar …

  1. You find yourself singing along to children’s songs in the car. When the kids aren’t in the car.
  2. You can have an earnest and heartfelt debate about who is the more heroic sister – Anna or Elsa.
  3. 7am is a sleep-in.
  4. You get genuinely excited when you see a garbage truck, bus, train, fire engine, ambulance or police car – and can mimic all their sounds to a tee.
  5. Going the toilet alone feels like a huge win.
  6. You can down a cup of coffee in five seconds flat, and it’s always lukewarm.
  7. Your bag is always stocked with snacks, nappies, wipes – but  you constantly forget your purse.
  8. Your shopping and to-do lists are all written in crayon.
  9. Instead of drinking injuries, you now have Lego injuries. Or worse, you’ve suffered them so often that they no longer bother you.
  10. You go to the dentist or the waxer for a bit of quality lie-down time.
  11. All your fantasies, dreams and birthday gift requests centre around sleep.
  12. You can’t open your own cupboards.
  13. You ask other adults whether they want “milky” in their coffee.
  14. Your negotiation skills have become so refined that you seriously consider signing up to be an international UN peacekeeper.
  15. You can no longer see the floor of your car.messy toddler new
  16. You routinely eat dinner at 5pm – and consider going out to eat at 8pm “late”.
  17. There’s no room for actually useful apps on your phone because all the space is taken up by kiddie apps and/or photos and videos of your offspring.
  18. If you go to a café/restaurant/public space without your phone, iPad, or some other form of child entertainment you go into a blind panic.
  19. Ninky-nonk, Upsy-Daisy, Iggle Piggle, Pinky-ponk and Macca Pacca are completely normal words in everyday conversation.
  20. You automatically rearrange décor in other people’s home to keep breakables out of reach, even if your kids aren’t there.
  21. You’ve ever Googled “why won’t my toddler eat”.
  22. You have learned from bitter experience why you shouldn’t gossip/swear in front of your little blabbermouth.
  23. The thought of losing a favourite toy/teddy/comforter leaves you in a cold sweat.
  24. You have to stop yourself from saying things like “breaked”, “catched”, “eated”, “teached” and “hurted”.
  25. Dressing your child is like wrestling an octopus.
  26. You can’t remember the last time you wore high-heeled shoes.
  27. Your “social life” revolves around dates, parties and hobbies that you don’t actually take part in yourself.
  28. If you reach into your bag, you’ll randomly find one or more of the following: an odd sock, a half eaten snack, a “lost” toy, baby wipes – but no lipstick.
  29. A pair of black pants will be worn for approximately 0.00001 seconds before becoming covered in snot/ink/chocolate.
  30. Leaving the house is a military-style operation.

Good job we love them! Have we missed anything? Tell us below.

Michelle Rose

Michelle Rose

Michelle is a journalist and mum to two girls who are obsessed with dinosaurs, fairies, pirates and princesses in equal measure. She lives in Melbourne's east with her husband, daughters and a giant, untameable labradoodle. Michelle loves all things vegetarian, wine (it's a fruit) and online shopping.

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