Toddlers. Sigh. Like smiling assassins, they will sabotage your day and look impossibly cute in the process. So, if you can’t get one.single.thing done today, here’s why:
1. Grocery shopping is for the brave
You’ve got the shopping list, a bag full of snacks and diversions, and your toddler securely trapped strapped into the shopping trolley. This will literally only take a minute. Right? Well, no. Not even close. Even though you have the entire supermarket mapped out in your head and have mastered the art of talking sweetly to your toddler while flinging things into the cart, you will still walk out of there gasping for breath. And interestingly, this is also the exact moment you realise you’ve forgotten the three most critical ingredients for dinner. Happens every time.
2. Putting away the laundry is a two-man job
After spending a good part of the day washing, drying and folding multiple loads of laundry, you kind of figure putting it away will be the easy part. But this is actually when your toddler’s eyes light up. Because there’s something about a basket full of neatly-folded clothes that says please please please scatter me all over the lounge room floor.
3. Gardening is dirty work
Do you have one random patch in the garden where the grass refuses to grow and every time it rains it turns into a mud bath? Okay, me too. And the toddler makes a beeline for it every time I’m out doing the weeding. So yep, a spot of leisurely gardening is usually followed by a bath and (another) load of wash.
4. Putting away the toys is…pointless
“Come on, let’s pack away the toys together.” You say this cheerfully, maybe you clap your hands together and smile. But you know what’s going to happen. As you painstakingly put a hundred pieces of Duplo into the box, your toddler will mostly stand there watching you like a boss. They might even throw a few pieces back onto the floor just to teach you a lesson.
5. Sweeping the floor is for the fairies
Who’d have thought that manky pile of fluff, dirt and discarded food would be so enticing to a two-year-old? Is it the stomach-turning combination of crumbs and dirt? Or is it just that you’ve spent the last twenty minutes sweeping it together? Maybe a combination of both, because without fail, just as you turn your back to get the dustpan, your little guy will be running his hands through it and sprinkling it around like fairy dust.
6. Having a shower is asking for it
The two-minute shower is parenting 101. But what no one tells you about is the crazy insane unnatural amount of mess your toddler will make while you’re in said shower. Naturally, once you complete your 120-second rinse-off, you will walk out into the lounge room and see cheese sticks mushed into the rug, texta marks on the couch, and an upturned box of cereal.
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7. Getting dressed (you, not them)
Since you’ve spent the last half hour negotiating with your toddler about which sparkly tutu they’re wearing to daycare, you now have precisely three minutes to get yourself ready and out the door. This is why you have a wardrobe full of wrinkle-free polyester, because ironing just isn’t happening right now.
8. Taking a phone call will never be the same
Classic. It might just be one quick call to your mum, but no amount of snacks or TV will come between your toddler and that phone. Do they want to talk to Grandma? No, they usually just want to scream at you until you hang up.
9. Getting somewhere, anywhere, on time is out of the question
Nothing like a deadline to freak everyone out. Especially when you were supposed to be somewhere five minutes ago and your toddler still doesn’t have their shoes on. This is when things might get a bit … shouty. And that’s OK. Let’s just call it your ‘serious’ voice. We’ve all been there.
10. Using your phone/computer/any kind of device is an open invitation for destruction
There’s something about the gentle glow of a laptop or phone that attracts toddlers like moths. Unfortunately, this means that while you’re trying to pay the bills or send an important email, your little one is hammering away at the delete key. Breaks your little tech-obsessed heart.
11. Making dinner is your dark night of the soul
The clock ticks over to 5pm and it’s on. Dinner. But by some weird synchronisation, this is also when your toddler chooses to lose their mind. You spend the next ten excruciating minutes waiting for the pasta to boil and vowing you’ll start dinner earlier tomorrow.
Anything to add to the list? Please share …