Diary of a toddler tyrant: every parent of a one-year-old will relate

Inside the mind of the tiny (and thankfully loveable) tyrant that runs your days. That’s right parents, if your baby could document their day, it would go a little like this.

3am

Woke up. What a glorious day. I can’t believe Mum and Dad are missing this. They will be so disappointed if they wake up in a few hours and realise they weren’t around to share this with me. I should probably give them a heads up.

4am

Great book reading session with Mum, although her tone could use some work. Tried to explain to her that she needed to add some enthusiasm and throw in some character voices but she didn’t seem too receptive. It’s cool – we can work on it again tomorrow morning.

6am

Ate breakfast. I’ll be honest – it was substandard. The food service seems to be slipping a bit around here. Yesterday morning my toast was cut into triangles instead of squares. I let it go with just some minor grumbling to management. But then today the pieces of banana on my Weet-Bix were too big. So obviously, I had to send it back. Who are these savages I’m living with?

nuk cover sl

9am

Getting ready to go to the park. Mum put my shoes on too early so I had to take them off again. She’s currently trying to smear white cream all over me. I don’t think she understands that the cream is actually designed for a) decorating the house, or b) squeezing out in big piles. If she continues to persist with this kind of nonsense we’ll never make it to the park.

10am

Currently sitting in the swing. There’s another kid who looks like he’s going to try and demand a turn, and he’s not responding to my growls. As a result, Mum could cave at any moment. While she mostly makes good decisions, this one would be a mistake. Never give the enemy ground. At this rate it’s very possible I’m going to have to Make A Scene.

10:15am

The Scene has been made. At the risk of bragging, I don’t think it would be an exaggeration to call it a spectacular performance. A master never tells the secrets of his craft, but let’s just say there were real tears AND fist banging. Mum seems unimpressed, which, as always, is a bit surprising.

11:30am

Having the most incredible cuddle. Mum gives the best hugs. She’s all warm and snuggly and soft, so this is making me feel kind of sleepy. Wait a minute. Could she be…? This seems like… ABORT CUDDLE, ABORT CUDDLE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL – WE HAVE A CODE RED NAP ENFORCEMENT.

Baby to sleep FB cover

3pm

I just found the most perfect mouth-shaped piece of floor junk and she’s taken it away. I cannot believe that Mum would do this to me. It’s probably the worst thing that’s ever happened in my entire life and I’m never going to forget… hang on a second is that a truck she’s rolling along the ground in front of me? Oh wow that looks like so much fun. BRB.

5pm

There are so many things I can do one handed. I can hold a banana, I can grab the inside of Dad’s nose, I can even hold Mum’s keys while walking rapidly away from her. Which begs the question – why can Mum not hold me while she’s cooking dinner?

6pm

Dinner options tonight were limited – I was only offered five options instead of the standard seven. I know I wrote yesterday about loving the pesto pasta, but the shade of green is slightly different today, which makes a huge difference. I couldn’t possibly touch it.

7pm

Tried going to sleep without a loving hand stroking my back. It was the worst minute of my life.

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