Did you attend prenatal classes while you were pregnant or after? I must confess that I dropped out of prenatal classes. We both attended two sessions. We listened politely and sipped the herbal tea. Then, we quit. We didn’t leave because we were smug (far from that), but rather because we always won with a couch, a worn-in onesie and piping hot tea. The classes were also a bit too textbook-like, too clinical and idealistic.
Don’t misunderstand me — prenatal classes are important. You will learn about breathing techniques, dilation stages and the importance of wrapping. They often overlook the hilarious, unpredictable and downright messy parts of parenting. The stuff that you find out at 2 am, when your baby has an explosive “poonami”, in the back seat of your car. You’re then forced to re-evaluate all your choices.
In the spirit of parental camaraderie and honesty, here are thirteen things that I wish they had included in those prenatal courses. Spoiler alert: These are the true survival skills for new parents.
Things Should Teach in Prenatal Classes:
1. How To Tell The Difference Between Indigestion and Contraction
You’re enjoying a delicious curry, and then you find yourself squirming in your seat, clutching at your stomach, wondering if the baby is making its way out or if you have accidentally eaten a bit of chicken masala. Both can be remarkably similar in late pregnancy.
No one tells you that early labour is not always accompanied by fireworks and Hollywood-style water-breaking drama. It can begin subtly, such as bad gas. It should have a class called “Gastro or Go Time?” Introduction to Interpreting your Abdomen .” Let’s face it — calling a midwife at 3 am, because you mistakenly thought that wind was labour, is something most people would prefer to avoid.
2. Finding a parking spot near the hospital
Let’s forget about birthing balls and perineal massaging for a minute. Let’s talk about the real problem — finding a place to park when you are about to give birth.
If prenatal classes had been practical, they would have included a session on how to find the best parking spots, the secret entrances and how you can talk your way in when you are 8cm dilated, clenching your door handle as if your life depended on it. No one – and I mean no one – should be expected to hike three city blocks while a watermelon-sized human is threatening to release.
3. How To Walk to the Toilet with an IV Drip
You’re trying to regain some dignity after a hard day of work as you shuffle along to the bathroom with an IV pole. It’s like attempting to dance interpretively with a drunken robot. The tubes tangle, the wheels squeak, and the beeping machines lag like a toddler. You just want to poop in peace.
My humble opinion is that there should be some kind of training simulation. It’s like an obstacle course. You have to be able to navigate a wheeled I.V. while wearing a half-dressed postpartum pad that is the size of a surfboard, all while carrying a large postpartum mat. This is the type of agility test that new mums must pass.
4. How To Use A Hospital Coffee Machine (Or Any Vending Machine)
In a building with a lot of tired people, you’d expect the coffee machine to be easy to use. Alas, no. It’s not possible.
My husband stared as if the machine was speaking Klingon. I would rather attend a coffee vending masterclass than another lecture about the stages of labour. Sometimes, all you need is a little caffeine. Immediately. Without the cryptic interface.
5. How To Politely Ask Visitors to Leave So You Can Sleep
Why do people suddenly want to visit soon after you give birth? Your nipples are shredded, and your leaks are everywhere. You just got the baby to fall asleep after two hours of screaming. Aunt Susan arrives with a bouquet and a camera.
It would be nice to have printable cards that say “Thanks for your visit.” Mum has entered hibernation mode .”
6. How To Change A Newborn Nappy In The Back Of A Car
Your newborn is going to make their first huge poop at the most inconvenient place. This is usually in the backseat, when you are already late and your wipes are in another bag.
This kind of skill should be taught along with CPR. Demonstrations on how to balance the baby on your lap and shield the upholstery are needed. Also, we need to know how you can keep your composure when meconium hits your arm. You get bonus points if you can avoid getting poop into the crevices of your car seat. This smell will never go away.
7. How To Cook A Meal With Only One Hand
You can forget culinary school. You’ll need to cook with one hand, prepare bottles on one knee, and eat cold toast while standing over the sink. You’ll become a master of baby-in-one-arm, spatula-in-the-other.
I’d like to take a class on “Meals that won’t burn while you breastfeed” or “Microwave Cuisine – The Gourmet Edition”. Lifesaving. Delicious-ish.
8. The “Poonami”)/strong> The “Poonami “)
You ask, “What’s a number three?” When a number one and two combine forces, they become something… much worse. What happens when you change your baby’s diaper in the middle of a poop or a pee and it stains your clothes, your soul, your walls, your floor, your carpet, your furniture, your car, your house, your bed, your couch, your sofa, your wall, your ceiling, your roof, your floors, your walls, your ceiling, your flooring, your carpet, your bathroom, your bedroom, your living room, your kitchen, your basement, your garage, your attic, your basement, your crawl
For these situations, there should be a system of black belts. There should be a system of ranks. And perhaps trophies. Why? Because surviving the poonami and saving your onesie is advanced parenting. It’s a form of advanced parenting.
9. How To Change A Boy’s Nappies Without Being Sprayed In The Face
You’ve probably learned this lesson the hard way if you have a boy baby. It is important to remember the golden rule of removing the nappy with a barrier. EVER.
Where was this knowledge in prenatal classes? I needed diagrams, live demonstrations and a PowerPoint presentation that included the baby’s pee trajectory. If I couldn’t get goggles, then I would have liked to see the baby pee trajectory in action.
10. How To Eat Dinner Standing and Swaying
The first thing you do is to rock the baby as you eat. It becomes automatic. You’ll notice that you sway side to side even when your baby is not in your arms.
You should do exercises that strengthen your “mum’s squat” stance, balance drills to hold plates in mid-sway and be given advice about which foods you can eat with one fork on the spot. It’s less prenatal class and more Cirque du Soleil.
11. How To Load A Baby In The Car When It’s Pouring Down
Imagine this: Your keys are hidden in your nappy case, your baby is screaming, it’s raining sideways, and you’re carrying a capsule that’s heavier than a bag of bricks. Welcome to the New Parent Car Loading Olympics.
What you need is hands-free, waterproof keys and the flexibility of yoga grade. What you get is soggy shoulders, mild anxiety, and a baby who’s still crying even after you strapped it in.
It would be better to see a full demonstration of rainy day logistics, which includes the sacred art of not dropping your phone into a puddle. This is more valuable than half the diagrams that we have studied in class.
12. How to Completely Abandon Spontaneity and Embrace the Almighty Routine
Ah, spontaneity – we barely knew you. After the baby is born, you’ll be occupied with feeding sessions, nap battles, and wake windows. You want to go out to dinner? You can only go out for dinner if you get back before 6:45 pm.
You can only drink wine between 2 pm and 2:45 pm. Your Netflix binge is 20 minutes long. And “alone” time with your partner has become a mission.
Someone should have told me “routine” wasn’t just an idea — it’s also a religion. Prenatal classes should offer sample schedules and wine-pairing charts to help with feeding times. They also need a support group named “Date Night Doesn’t Exist Anymore Anonymous.”
13. How To Open Baby Toys Without Scissors or a Knife
Toys for babies are wrapped more tightly than Fort Knox. Your baby will expect them to be opened instantly after seeing them.
You will twist, gnaw and hack packaging like a deranged Raccoon until it’s there.
rattle-free. When will you? The baby has lost interest.
It should include a hands-on unboxing workshop that covers safe packaging removal methods.
Final Thoughts
Here are the 13 things that prenatal classes should teach you but don’t. While no prenatal class can prepare for all the craziness of parenting, it is possible to learn some practical (and honest) lessons. Lessons would make the first few weeks easier.
You’re not the only one wondering why the dog ate your nappy while your baby pooped all over your jeans. It’s not just you whose dinner gets cold when you’re burping and rocking the baby at the same time. You’re still doing an amazing job, even if your last few prenatal courses were skipped.
Purple Onesie and All
