Things Never to Say About Infertility

Infertility is a deeply personal and often painful journey that touches not only the lives of those directly experiencing it but also the hearts of those around them. For many couples, the path to parenthood is filled with emotional highs and lows, medical interventions, and an ongoing sense of uncertainty. During this time, the support of friends and family can be a powerful source of comfort, but only when it’s offered with care, sensitivity, and understanding. Unfortunately, even well-meaning words can sometimes hurt more than help. That’s why it’s so important to be mindful of what we say. Understanding what not to say and why is key to providing the kind of support that truly uplifts rather than unintentionally adding to the burden. Things Never To Say About Infertility.

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Listening to someone who is trying to conceive but struggling with infertility is the best thing you can do.

According to RESOLVE (the National Infertility Organisation), one in eight couples struggle to get pregnant for a year or longer. You probably know someone who has to deal with the financial, physical and emotional stress that comes along with Infertility.

Infertility is a problem that affects not only the patient’s health, but also their relationships. Most people don’t know how to help their close family or friends who are struggling with infertility. It can be difficult to know how to talk to someone unable to conceive or what to say. However, a little empathy can go a very long way. Saying something sarcastic about the struggles they face could permanently damage your relationship.

We have compiled the following list of what to do and do not to do based on responses from our patients in our social media. Remember these tips when you are interacting with people in your life who suffer from infertility. Your attitude is important because this can be a very vulnerable time for them.

1. “You just need to relax.”: Things Never To Say About Infertility

Telling someone to “just relax” oversimplifies the complexities of infertility. Infertility is a medical condition, not a result of stress or anxiety. Such advice can make individuals feel as though they’re to blame for their struggles, intensifying feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Instead, acknowledge their pain and offer a listening ear: “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I’m here if you want to talk.”

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2. “I fell pregnant so easily!”

While sharing personal experiences can be comforting, this statement can be unintentionally hurtful. It highlights a contrast that may deepen feelings of isolation and frustration. Remember, each person’s journey is unique. Instead, offer empathy: “I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you ever want to share or need support, I’m here.”

3. “I hated being pregnant.”

For someone longing for pregnancy, hearing about the challenges others face can be disheartening. While your experience is valid, consider the timing and context before sharing. If you do discuss it, frame it with sensitivity: “Pregnancy had its challenges, but I understand it’s something you’re hoping for, and I respect that deeply.”

4. “Try [insert therapy/diet/position], it works.”

Offering unsolicited advice can be overwhelming. Individuals facing infertility often explore numerous options and may feel inundated by suggestions. Instead of recommending specific remedies, ask how you can support them: “I know you’re exploring different options. If you ever want to talk or need assistance, I’m here for you.”

5. “Maybe it’s not supposed to happen now.”

While some believe in divine timing, this perspective can feel dismissive to someone amid their struggles. It may inadvertently suggest that their desire for a child isn’t valid. A more supportive approach is to acknowledge their pain: “I can’t pretend to know why this is happening, but I’m here to support you through it.”

6. “I bet you’re having lots of sex!”

Infertility treatments often involve scheduled and clinical approaches to intimacy, which can strip away the spontaneity and joy of the experience. Such comments can trivialise the emotional and physical challenges involved. Instead, offer understanding: “I know this process can be exhausting. If you ever need a distraction or a break, let’s do something fun together.”

7. “Don’t worry, it will happen soon.”

While intended to offer hope, this statement can feel like minimising the person’s current pain. The future is uncertain, and such assurances can seem dismissive. A more compassionate response is: “I hope it happens for you soon. I’m here to support you, no matter what.”

8. “At least you already have another child.”

Even for parents with one child, the desire for another is valid and strong. This comment can inadvertently diminish their feelings and make them feel guilty for wanting more. Instead, recognise their longing: “I understand how much you’d love to expand your family. I’m here for you through this journey.”

9. “There’s always adoption.”

While adoption is a beautiful path to parenthood, suggesting it as an alternative can feel dismissive of someone’s desire for a biological child. It’s essential to recognise that each individual’s journey to parenthood is personal. A more supportive approach is: “I know you’re exploring your options. If you ever want to talk or need support, I’m here for you.”

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10. ”Don’t ask why they haven’t tried IVF.”

In vitro fertilisation might have worked for another person you know. However, everyone’s financial situation and diagnostic needs are different. Most insurance plans don’t cover IVF costs. It is therefore possible that a friend or relative cannot afford IVF. IVF may not be in line with someone’s spiritual or ethical beliefs. The decision of which fertility treatment to choose is a medical, ethical, and financial one that can be complex. IVF may not be the best option for everyone.

11. ”Don’t make fun of their situation.”

Comments like “I’ll give the sperm” or “Make sure that the doctor uses your sperm during the insemination”, are not funny and make the recipient feel as if you do not care about their situation.

12. ”Do not complain about your pregnancy.”

It can be difficult for those who are infertile to be around people who have never had to struggle to conceive or raise children. Joking about the difficulties of being pregnant or raising children may seem to help ease this pain. Comments like “You can take my children – it will make you change your mind!” can cause hurt feelings.

What You CAN Do Instead

Supporting someone through infertility requires empathy, patience, and understanding. Here are ways to be a compassionate ally:

• Listen without judgment: Sometimes, the best support is simply being there to listen.
• Respect their boundaries: Allow them to share at their own pace and avoid pressing for details.
• Offer practical help: Assist with daily tasks or provide meals to alleviate their burden.
• Check in regularly: Send messages or cards to let them know you’re thinking of them.
• Avoid unsolicited advice: Refrain from suggesting treatments or remedies unless they ask.
• Be mindful of baby-related events: Understand if they choose to skip baby showers or gatherings.
• Celebrate their milestones: Acknowledge their progress and efforts, regardless of the outcome.

Remember, your role is not to fix the situation but to offer unwavering support and understanding. Your compassion can make a significant difference in their journey.