10 Realities of Parenting You’ll Learn the Hard Way
Let’s start with some brutal truth: parenting is a beautiful and exhausting mess. It can be sticky, loud, and messy. No one gets out of it unscathed. I am a mother of three children, and I can say with confidence that I have made every mistake listed. Repeatedly. In retrospect, some are hilarious. Some of them were traumatizing at the time. I will never forget some of them, particularly number one.
Here’s the good thing: they are growing up. They stop being gross. You will eventually have fewer bodily fluids and tantrums. Here are 10 parenting tips you will likely learn the hard way. And why you may want to learn these lessons from me.
1. Never Stick Your Finger in a Nappy to Check for Poo
You would think that this one is obvious. You’d be mistaken.
Imagine your baby in a onesie with pants. You are in public. You can’t see the back of the nappies. There is a faint smell. There’s a vague smell. You want the truth, but don’t want a full diaper change until it is necessary.
What do you do now? You go rogue. You insert your finger bravely into the back of a nappy and slide it down the waistband. What you find is not dryness. Squelch. Squelch is a warm, horrible sensation.
You’ve got poo on your fingernail, and you have a look that says: “I made a big mistake.”
What is the lesson? Never compromise. Grab the wipes if you have even a slight suspicion. The only thing worse than an oozy diaper is a poopy hand and you are the only one responsible.
2. Do Not Toss A Freshly Fed Baby Above Your Head
Sure, it looks adorable. The baby is giggling. You’re bonding. Everyone is smiling, until the milk starts to come back up.
Projectile vomiting is real. It’s impossible to avoid it when it occurs mid-air. Not only will your shirt be affected, but also your face, hair, and dignity.
This is something parents often discover the hard way after thinking their child’s stomach had “probably settled”. It was not. The smell of spoiled milk and bile from babies is something that can’t be removed by baby wipes. You will smell like a yogurt-like human for the rest of the day.
Save the air acrobatics until after you’ve burped. Or, better yet… just… don’t.
3. One Snuggly Toy Is Never Enough
You know the one. You know it. You know the one. It’s everywhere. It’s filthy. It smells of warm milk and tears. To them, however, it is sacred.
Now imagine losing it.
Everyone involved will experience a state of panic, hysteria, and sleepless nights.
You should buy at the very least 3 identical backups. Immediately. If you must, drive to the store. Once you’re home, drive over your new toys a few times with your car to help them get used. Sleep with them for a couple of nights to ensure they smell right. Because kids know. You can’t fool them with a fluffy, new decoy. They only want and nothing else.
Do not wait until you are in pain. Clone the bear.
4. Never Brag That Your Baby Slept Through the Night
You did it. You did it. You feel like you are invincible. You might even blog about it. You can also text your mother. Smugly smile at your sleepless friends.
Big mistake.
The universe is watching. She’s also petty.
You may be able to sleep through the night, but your baby will start screaming every hour. They might also develop a mysterious rash and teethe all at once. The Sleep Curse is real. It’s real. It’s real.
Sleep Club’s first rule is: em>You do not talk about Sleep Club./em> Sleep Club’s first rule is: Do not discuss Sleep Club.
5. Do Not Buy a Treat at The Supermarket ‘Just this Once’
You’re tired. You’re tired. You give in when your child makes puppy dog eyes and sees something yummy.
Congratulations. Congratulations.
The children have a sophisticated neurologicaGPSem that records every snack, candy, and treat they have ever bought. Their tiny memory banks will light up the second you walk into the store. “TREEEEEEAAAAAAT!”
You can say “no” 100 times. It doesn’t matter. This one “yes” has planted a small seed. It will blossom into full-blown tantrums on aisle five.
Soldiers, hold the line.
6. Never Let Them Watch Dora the Explorer
You may think that a little screen time will help you relax. You may think that educational cartoons are safe. You could be wrong.
Once your child meets Dora, your peaceful home is never the same. All of a sudden, the same thing is repeated three more times. With shouting.
Where are we going?
The kitchen… THE KITCHEN!!
You’ll also have a hard time getting those songs out of your mind. Dora’s little catchy tunes spread like a disease. While making coffee, you’ll be humming “Backpack backpack!” and wonder when your life got out of control.
Protect your peace. Select your shows carefully. Be prepared for a map-wielding, bilingual tyrant who will take over your house.
7. The More Effort You Put Into Dinner, the More They’ll Hate It
Here’s an amusing parenting paradox: your child may act as if you served him dog food after cooking a healthy, gourmet dinner. They might throw it. They might scream. They might just start crying.
In the meantime, why not offer them dry pasta or plain toast? You’re suddenly a five-star cook.
The cooking time is inversely related to the child’s satisfaction. The more you try to please your child, the worse the tantrum will be. When you tell them, “They are going to love this,” they suddenly decide that they don’t “like food anymore.”
Lower your expectations. Serve your chicken nuggets proudly.
8. Never Sniff Their Underwear to See if They’re Clean
You’ve done laundry. Sorting clothes. You are holding up a pair of underpants for kids that look clean. You’re still not sure. You bring them up to your nose.
STOP.
Don’t do it.
Contrary to diapers, which are handled with gloves and at least warned beforehand, children’s underwear is in a grey zone of danger. They’re dirty nine times out of 10. They smell of regret, shame, and a lack of hygiene.
It’s the parenting equivalent of Russian Roulette. Save yourself from the trauma. Simply throw them in the washing machine.
9. Planning a Girls’ Weekend? Your Child Will Get Sick
It was booked months in advance. You booked it months ago. A beach house. Wine with a few friends. Wine. Sleep. Freedom.
Your child may develop a fever the night before you leave. Or breaks out into spots. Or wheezes.
It’s uncanny. It’s like they are aware of. As if their immune system is programmed to crash when they even catch a whiff of happiness.
It’s time to face the music. You will feel guilty. Listen: You are not the sole parent at home. Your partner isn’t just a babysitter, they are also a parent.
Pack your bags. Say goodbye. Keep the numbers for emergencies. Leave the room. Enjoy yourself. You may text 473 messages, but you will still go. That’s all that matters.
10. The Late-Afternoon Nap in the Car Will Destroy You
It’s been a long, hard day. The sun is going down. Your child is wailing in the backseat. You can see the heavy eyelids. Just a few moments and you will be able to enjoy the sweetest silence.
Why not let them sleep?
NO.
Do. Not. Let. Them. Sleep.
Even 10 minutes in the car after 5 pm is enough to reset their sleep cycle. Bedtime becomes a war zone. You will be fighting with an awake toddler at 10.45 pm while searching “how to reverse the late nap curse.”
Fight the nap. Increase the volume of music. Open a window. Sing. Clap. Tell a loud story. You can do anything to keep your children awake until you arrive home.
In the future, you will be grateful.
Conclusion
Congratulations if you have made one of these mistakes. You are a parent. You’re a real parent. They’re the ones with cracker crumbs under their bras, bags under their eyelids, and stories that read like bad sitcom scripts.
They’re not just lessons, they’re rites. You’re living the life. Parenting can be chaotic, hilarious, humbling, and fleeting. One day, you’ll laugh at the time your finger got stuck.
In a nap, and regretted instantly every decision in life.
Hold on. Keep your child close.
You can do it.
