How to Help Your Children Understand the Death Of a Loved Pet or Person
Many adults find it difficult to discuss death, much less explain the topic to children. Death is often viewed as taboo in our culture, and we try to protect children from it, for fear of making them anxious or scared. While well-intentioned, this protective instinct may unintentionally inhibit children’s ability to cope with grief and emotional growth.
The director of The Groundswell Project and clinical psychologist Kerrie Noonan advocates a different approach – one that encourages honest, open, and age-appropriate conversations about death. She believes that it is essential to help children understand death. Parents and caregivers should not hide or sugarcoat the truth. Instead, they can empower their children by answering questions and validating feelings about loss.
This blog will help you understand how to explain the death of your pet or a loved one compassionately and practically. We will draw on the expertise of experts such as Kerrie Noonan to explore strategies that can help children cope with grief and foster resilience.
Why It’s Important to Talk about Death with Children
You must understand the benefits of talking openly about death with children.
Adults often believe that protecting children from death will protect their innocence. Avoiding or avoiding these conversations may cause anxiety and confusion for naturally curious children. Even if adults are trying to conceal something, children can sense that it is not right. Children may not receive an honest explanation and fill in the blanks with false information or fears. This can be more distressing.
Kerrie Noonan says that children are naturally curious about death. As they attempt to understand the concept and what it means in their lives, children will ask many questions. Answering their questions clearly and concretely helps them to feel understood, safe, and supported.
These conversations can also help to build a healthy emotional foundation. This teaches them that grief is something they can share and not be alone with. This also normalizes the discussion of difficult emotions. This is beneficial to their mental health throughout their lives.
Groundswell Project: Rethinking Death Discussion
The Groundswell Project is led by Kerrie N. Noonan and is dedicated to changing cultural attitudes towards dying and death. They want to change the way society views these topics, moving away from fear and avoidance to acceptance and openness.
According to their perspective, our fear of death is often a result of superstitions, taboos, and fear of the unknown. These feelings affect how families handle end-of-life matters, sometimes to the detriment of and emotional health of children.
Kerrie and her colleagues encourage families to learn how to talk about death in a natural and clear way. This upgrade, they believe, can help children face grief with resilience while reducing the stigma surrounding dying.
What to Say when you Start a Conversation? Start with the basics
The first challenge parents face when a child is affected by the death of someone they love or a pet is how to begin the conversation. The balance between honesty, sensitivity, and respect is delicate.
Kerrie Noonan recommends starting with simple, concrete facts about death. Explain to your child what happens when someone dies, and what that means for them or the animal.
You might say:
- When someone dies, the heart stops.
- “Their body no longer works — they can’t move, breathe, eat, or eat.
- The person or animal will no longer feel pain because their body has stopped functioning.
Even if you have answered these questions before, it is important to be patient, even if this has been done more than once. Children learn best by repetition.
Do not worry if the same question is asked repeatedly. It’s part of their way to process new information. They may even play and talk about death as they try to make sense of the situation.
Separating Body and Spirit
Children may find it difficult to reconcile the physical reality that people and pets die with their spiritual or cultural beliefs.
Families use symbols like stars, heaven, or heaven to help their children imagine where their loved one is. Kerrie Noonan suggests that parents separate the concept of body and spirit.
You could, for example:
- When someone dies, the body is buried in the ground.
- “But their soul or spirit goes to a place like heaven or a star where they can be happy and at peace.”
This helps children to understand that even though the physical body of a person or pet has left, they are still “somewhere.” This helps prevent confusion if children wonder how someone could be both “buried underground” and also “up in heaven.”
By talking about the spirit in its own right, children can explore their beliefs about what happens after death. This is a comforting way to help them understand and accept themselves.
You Can Be Vulnerable and Not Have All the Answers
When children ask questions about death, parents often feel under pressure to give clear and definitive answers. No one knows what happens to us after we die or why.
Kerrie encourages parents to embrace vulnerability and honesty in discussing death with their children. It’s okay to say “I don’t know” or “That’s an excellent question — I’m not sure.”
You can teach your child to be open and honest about their emotions by modeling this. You can also teach them that grieving is a common human experience.
Share your feelings with others. It can help you build a stronger connection. Saying, “I miss them too, and I feel sad,” will validate your child’s feelings, letting them know that they are not alone.
Use Your Child’s Curiosity as a Bridge to Deeper Conversations
Adults can feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by children’s questions about death. Kerrie Noonan urges parents to “roll along with the curiosity.”
Consider the question of death as an invitation to a deeper discussion about emotions, life, and what is most important. These moments can transform your relationship and nurture it.
By avoiding or shutting down questions, you may send the message to your child that death is a thing to be afraid of or avoid. This can increase anxiety. Engage with them honestly and gently, responding as best you can to their developmental stage.
You can respond in several ways, including:
- This is a very important question. What do you believe happens when someone dies?
- It’s OK to be scared or confused by death. “I feel the same way sometimes.”
- What else would you like to know?
Honoring your child’s natural curiosity creates a safe environment for them to explore emotions and complex ideas.
Create a Family Culture that Does Not Conceal Death
Families often try to prevent their children from attending funerals or rituals that are associated with death because they believe it is too disturbing. Kerrie Noonan says that involving children in these experiences can be beneficial.
A funeral or memorial is a great way to give children a tangible understanding of death and allow them the opportunity to say goodbye. They can be introduced to the idea of shared grief and community support.
Consider these tips to make funerals more child-friendly:
- Prepare them by explaining the situation in advance.
- You can allow them to bring something comforting, such as a blanket or favorite toy.
- Encourage them to openly express their emotions.
- If they are feeling overwhelmed, provide a quiet place.
These rituals help children connect death with real-life experiences and make abstract concepts more concrete.
Supporting Children Through Grief After Loss
Understanding death is only the beginning. It is important to support your child during the grieving period.
Children can grieve differently from adults. Children may express their grief in different ways. Be attentive and patient.
Here are some suggestions to help your child cope with grief:
- Encourage Expression: Let children draw, write stories, or express their feelings.
- Keep routines: Stability is comforting during emotional turmoil.
- Validate their Feelings. All emotions are fine — anger, sadness, confusion, or even relief.
- Offer reassurance. Remind the person that they are loved, as well as secure.
- Seek support: When grief overwhelms you, talk to a counselor/therapist who has experience with children.
Book Resources and Books that Can Help
Many excellent books are available to help children better understand death and grieving. These books can be used to support your discussions.
Children’s books about death and loss can be found in:
- The Fall of Freddie the Leaf By Leo Buscaglia
- The Invisible String By Patrice Karst
- Lifetimes – The Beautiful Way to Explain to Children Death by Bryan Mellonie & Robert Ingpen
- When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide for Understanding Death By Laurie Krasny Brown & Marc Brown
The Groundswell Project, for example, offers valuable support and resources to families who are grieving.
Conclusion
It is one of the hardest things parents have to do: help their child cope with the loss of a pet or a loved one. By embracing it with honesty, compassion, and openness, you can give your child an important gift – the ability to confront life’s most difficult realities with courage.
