Tricking Your Children into Thinking You Are a Hip Mom
It happens to every parent at some point. Your child will look at you with a mixture of pity, disbelief, and admiration. This usually occurs around the age of 9, but it can quickly escalate to “Muuum, please don’t tell my friends that,” or even worse, “Can you follow me?”
It’s hard to be the “uncool” parents. Your tween will still view you as hopelessly out-of-date, even if you have packed a lot of baby wipes or your Pinterest lunchboxes look perfect. You’ll be viewed by your teen as a human Nokia 3310. There is still hope, parents and grandparents.
We’ve put together a guide that’s both detailed and ridiculous to help you temporarily win back some respect, or at least stop those eye-rolls. Here’s your cheat sheet to trick your kids into believing you are still cool.
1. Own At Least 17 Pairs Of Sunglasses (Yes, Really)
If you think that one pair of sunglasses is enough for your style, then you are wrong. Eyewear is an art form. Options are essential to create the illusion of effortless style. The classic aviator is still a favorite, but you can also try oversized frames, pink lenses with hearts (for irony), or geometric lenses. It’s not just about protection, it’s also about aesthetics.
Watch celebrities like Kendall Jenner, formerly known as the Kardashians’ little sister, but now a Gen Z goddess. Her Instagram page is a catalogue of sunglasses. You can bet your life that if she wears tiny, tiny Matrix-style shades, then you’ll get them the next day.
Pro tip: Don’t wear anything Kim wore after 2016. She has officially transitioned to “mum icon’ territory. While powerful, she is not the brand that you are going for if your goal is street cred among 12-year-olds.
2. Create a Social Media Presence so Strong that your Kids Can’t Ignore It
This means that you should go Instagram-only. But not “posting your morning coffee” Instagram–influencer Instagram. What does that mean?
- Selfies, Duck face expressions with dramatic lighting, and carefully calculated angles.
- Images captioned “Good vibes only or “Catching flight is not feeling.”
- Take a few photos with your tongue out, ideally at rooftop bars. Or pretend to laugh uncontrollably about nothing.
Avoid posting baby pictures or photos of family events, unless the images are heavily filtered with ironic captions. You’ll get bonus points for referring to your child as “your mini me” and using the laughing crying emoji.
Want to instantly increase your cool factor? Add a sunset filter to a picture of someone younger and prettier, then caption it “Too glam for a damn”. “
Boom–instant clout.
3. Learn to Speak Hashtag Fluently in Real Life
The real magic happens here. Cool mums can bring hashtags to the dinner table.
Next time your child complains about broccoli, lean in to say “#yolo eat the vegetables.” If you have a great coffee? No filter needed. Found a good parking spot? “#blessed”–wait, that’s not right. #instaluck.”
Just do not use the #blessedironicallyy. It shouts, “Facebook mom who shares minion memes.”
Use these hashtags to stay cool with the kids:
- #instamood
- #instacool
- #vibes
- #throwback is for anything older than 6 weeks.
- #mood
Avoid: #instamum, #momlife, #toddlerdrama. All your progress will be undone in one go.
4. Bring back Vine, or pretend you can
Vine may be dead, but the legacy of Vine lives on through every TikTok video and 10-second meme that your child watches on repeat. Vine is a great way to show off your retro credentials. Say:
- “Roadwork ahead?” “Uh, yeah, I hope so.”
- Look at all the chickens!
- I could have dropped my croissant!
You might be confused by your kids, but they’ll know that you have access to the internet’s archives. You’ll get bonus points if your Vine videos can be recreated. Try to keep your Vine video under six seconds and avoid throwing your back out.
5. Keep up to Date on Implanted Body Trends (But maybe don’t follow them)
You may not be lining up to get a butt-implant, but being “in-the-know” is half of the battle. Stay informed. Body aesthetics trends change faster than your metabolism once you hit 35. The trend used to be all about big boobs and then the booty. Now we’re moving into “snatched calves, toned waist” territory.
It’s fake ’til it is. Stuffed bras or leggings? Leggings with padding? Shapewear that lifts or tucks? You can do whatever you want. You can also play it cool by referring to your appearance as “natural chic” and then casually referencing a fitness influencer on social media who drinks matcha and does 200 squats per day.
You don’t have to tell your kid that you made the booty pads yourself from beanbag filler.
6. Correctly or Incorrectly Use Teen Slang
The words have changed. The “cool” word is gone. “Lit” has almost been retired. It’s now all about being on fleek or drippy.
Here are some basic terms to get you started:
- Bae — Before anyone else. You can use it to greet your BFF or another mum who is still wearing crop tops.
- Basic – Not a compliment. This means that you are mainstream and boring. This label is not for you.
- Thirsty– A person who is trying too hard to get attention. Dangerous territory.
- Slaps — If something is amazing. This phrase,” This smoothie slaps,” has a lot of meaning. This audiobook slaps is not.
Remember, these words are as stale as bananas in the summer. If you aren’t sure if “vibe-check” is still in use, consult Google and not your child. Nothing can ruin your street cred quicker than using old slang.
7. Download the Latest Anonymous Q&A App or Ask
The popularity of Ask.fm has faded, but tweens are still embracing the “anonymous” Q&A trend. Download it. Create an account. Create a killer profile picture (a glam selfie, or something mysterious but wise) and answer all questions like you are a popstar with secrets.
Use emojis. Keep answers vague. Avoid writing essays. Short is better. Never end a phrase with a full stop. Too aggressive
8. Arrive at School Pick-Up Bumping EDMS
Hide your Coldplay music playlist and stay away from Taylor Swift. You can look cool by playing electronic dance music that has a bass drop you can feel from the school gates.
Think Skrillex or Deadmau5. Or whatever is trending in the “Hype Beast” Spotify playlist. Wear headphones as if you are late for a set by a DJ. Indoor sunglasses will go perfectly with headphones.
Be prepared to get a few confused glances from other parents. It’s fine. You are not here to get their approval; you are here so that your child will reluctantly admit that you’re cool.
9. Converse Sneakers with Galaxy Print = Unstoppable Combination
Converse well-worn sneakers will never go out of style. Combine them with galaxy-print leggings or a hoodie, and you are transported straight back to Tumblr’s cool. This look has ironically come back, making it cool again.
Avoid:
- They know about jeggings
- Jorts
- If you don’t own this look, then it is not a good choice.
Add a hoodie with cryptic words like “Existential Vibes Club”, “Cry Later”, or something similar, and watch as your child squirm in second-hand shame that they, secretly, kind of admire.
10. Use Kik or at Least Pretend to Know What Kik is
Kik may not be its most popular anymore, but this idea is timeless. If your children are using a new social network, you should know what it looks like. Download the app and explore it for 10 minutes. Then, casually mention that it is Kik.
Your child will be stunned into silence when you ask them, “Are all your friends using Kik now or only Snap?”
Just knowing about these apps is cool. You want to get your children interested in these apps? This is desperate behavior.
You can continue unless you are making a meme about parenting.
It’s Not Enough to Be Cool Once
It’s true: there is nothing that can stop you from becoming an “embarrassing mother or father”. But you can delay it. You can stall it. It can even trick you into thinking you don’t know what is going on.
You’re a mother, you’ve already walked tightropes with a toddler and a diaper bag on your shoulder.
Dust off your Snapchat filters. Bring out your galaxy prints. Use a “lit” to punctuate your conversation, and dance in your minivan to the EDM beat.
This is yours, Bae.
