11 Things You Should Never Say to a Childless Woman
There have been awkward conversations between people who have children and those who don’t. People often comment when a woman has no children, whether it’s by choice or due to circumstance.
It’s sometimes a joke. It’s sometimes delivered as a “friendly” nudge. It cuts too deep. You’re not the only one who has asked a woman if she plans to “start” a family or told someone they “will change their minds someday.” But you may be doing more damage than you think.
A candid and revealing post on Mumsnet’s popular parenting forum has helped us better understand the language used to offend, isolate, and marginalize women who do not have children, either by choice or circumstance. Women who have been the victims of insensitive remarks or tired cliches flooded in to comment on this thread. The comments on that thread were filled with women who had been the victims of insensitive remarks and tired cliches.
Here are 11 things that you should never say to a woman who is childless or without children. And why this matters.
1. Your Life is Incomplete Without Children
Start with the offensive remarks that women often hear about not having children: You won’t truly know love until you become a mother”, or Your life is incomplete until you have had kids.”
This is not an opinion. This is a judgment that diminishes women. This sends a message that the value of a woman and her capacity to love are directly linked to reproduction. One Mumsnet user described this sentiment as “rubbish,” particularly when shared uninvited with someone who is happily childfree.
Imagine telling a person who has a great career, is a regular volunteer, maintains close friendships, and cultivates a loving relationship, that their life lacks. This is not connection, it’s condescension.
It’s even more painful for women who wanted children but could not.
2. You Don’t Know What Tired Is
There’s a stereotype that parents–particularly mothers–are the most exhausted people on Earth. While raising children can be exhausting, it’s absurd to assume that people who aren’t parents go through life carefree and well-rested.
A woman who has chronic exhaustion syndrome expressed how it was offensive to hear, “Wait till you have children–then, you’ll understand what tired means.” She pointed out that there are other ways to feel exhausted, including physical and emotional exhaustion.
It’s not just sleepless nights with babies that cause fatigue. You can get tired from stress, illness, caring for elderly parents, trauma, or anxiety.
3. You Don’t Know What Love Is Until You’ve Had a Child
This one is particularly cruel.
If you tell someone that they won’t truly understand love until after they have held their baby, then you’re dismissing the depth of connection humans can achieve outside of parenthood.
It is not just a parent-child bond. Love is found in romance, friendship, and family ties. It can even be found in the relationships we have with our pets. Saying that someone does not know love simply because they do not have children is not just inaccurate, but also emotionally manipulative.
This kind of comment was the most hurtful to one woman who suffers from recurrent pregnancy. It’s easy to understand why. It’s especially hurtful to be told you are missing out on real love when you’re dealing with the heartbreak that comes from infertility and pregnancy loss.
4. “Isn’t That a Little Selfish?”
The “selfish women” trope is a long-standing myth. It says that if a woman doesn’t have children, she must be egocentric or emotionally stunted.
Here’s the thing. Choosing not to have a child can be one of he most aware decisions that a person makes.
One commenter asked, “Why does the fck childlessness by choice imply a lack of understanding or selflessness?”* Excellent question.
It’s not just parenting that can lead to growth, empathy, or generosity. Many people who are childless dedicate their lives to causes larger than themselves. They volunteer, mentor, and support their friends and families, as well as contribute to the world.
5. “Have You Had a Difficult Childhood?”
It may seem a casual question, but this one is often based on a problematic assumption: someone who doesn’t want children must be damaged somehow.
A woman who later became a mom said that she had been asked multiple times. What is the implication? The implication is that her choice (or timing of her decision) is linked to trauma and dysfunction in her early childhood.
Many people with a perfect childhood chose not to have children. In the opposite direction, some people who had a difficult childhood go on to be wonderful, devoted parents. Asking about the two is unnecessarily judgmental.
6. You’re so Lucky You Don’t Have Kids!
Some people use this phrase as a compliment. It’s often envy expressed with a smile during a toddler tantrum, the chaos of holidays. It’s important to remember: You don’t know everything that someone is going through.
A woman told me that she heard the exact phrase “You’re lucky !”– ” immediately following a failed IVF. Ouch.
A joke or innocent comment can hurt someone who is grieving or going through fertility treatments.
No matter how “lightheartedly” you think it may sound, do not say it to your friend.
7. It Suits You! (When holding a baby)
Another one that may sound like a compliment, but is delivered awkwardly. It can be more pressure than praise when someone holding a child says, “It suits you!”.
The assumption is that the person who holds the baby must be a mother and that motherhood will follow. What if she’s perfectly happy where she is now?
One woman joked about carrying a baby like an accessory to maintain appearances. These comments can make people feel like props in another’s story about how a woman’s life looks.
8. No One Depends On You
One of the most offensive and misguided myths is that people who don’t have children can live a life without consequences.
A woman told me that a co-worker once said, “Your life isn’t as important as your parents’–because nobody depends on you.” I don’t even know how to start unpacking this.
Many people who don’t have children care for others, whether it be elderly parents, siblings or partners, students, or patients. Dependency does not have to be biological.
A person’s need for you should not determine the worth of your life. Each human life has intrinsic value, regardless of how many people depend on them to get snacks or pick up their children from school.
9. Life Must Be Easy for You
It’s a common misconception that women without children are free of worry, stress, or responsibility. Real life is not always so simple.
The other person told a woman that she was young-looking because “she hadn’t experienced the stress of having children”. What did the other person not know? She was a victim of infertility.
It’s impossible to know the whole story of someone. Some of these burdens are visible, and some are invisible. Women without children are often dealing with grief or caregiving heartbreaks, career pressures, financial strains, personal health issues, and more.
It is not about who has the hardest life. Each person faces different challenges.
10. “Your Work is Your Life, Isn’t it?”
This statement is often wrapped in faux-sympathy, as if the woman who does not have children would be working hard to compensate for her lack of family.
This is patronizing and dangerous. Many people, both with and without kids, are devoted to their careers is not a placeholder, but a legitimate career path.
A woman recalls being told her stress at work was worse because she had nothing else to distract her (read: children). It’s as if only work matters if it fills a void.
Spoiler: A woman can be ambitious if she loves what she does, not because she is missing something.
11. Welcome to the World!
This last story is the best.
One woman told me that someone had congratulated a co-worker who became a father by saying Welcome to the World! But not to the baby. To the father. It’s as if he hadn’t begun before he became a father.
This one sentence is the essence of this entire mindset. This mindset draws a clear line between those who have children and those without. It places one side above the other.
Here’s the truth, though: There isn’t a single “real” world that only opens after becoming a parent. The world is vast, full of meaning, and wild.
Let’s Just Be Kinder
It’s time we move beyond the (often hurtful) outdated idea that having kids is the one way to live a meaningful and fulfilling life. Childlessness and childfreedom are achieved in a variety of ways. Some are joyful, others painful. All valid. Itt is none of our business whether someone cannot have children, does not want to, or is still trying to figure it out. When they do, it’s our job to listen and not to judge.
We need to replace the laziness with genuine curiosity. Let’s abandon the assumptions and embrace diversity in people’s lives. Let’s not forget that value is not measured by diapers changed, or lullabies sang–it is measured by how we treat one another.
