Naming a baby. It sounds simple, doesn’t it? You and your partner gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes and agree instantly that “Luna” or “Jack” is. You can imagine the music soaring, the angelic lighting and even a unicorn dancing in the distance. Stages of Choosing a Baby Name.
Yeah… not quite.
When two people with different tastes and unresolved childhood traumas are trying to decide on a name, it’s more like a Hallmark film than a rollercoaster. You will battle with nostalgia, fantasy novels and ancient genealogy as you fight for the name that you believe your child was meant to have.
Fear not, brave baby-namers! You’re in good hands. We’ve documented the 7 hilarious, maddening and deeply real stages that every couple stumbles into on their quest for The Name. We’ll also help you to survive each stage, without having a baby named “Figwit.”
Let’s get started.
1. The Loch Ness Stage: Stages of Choosing a Baby Name
Also called: “That’s TOO much of a name!”
Loch Ness, that’s the stage. Names start to sound more like ancient incantations, or secret IKEA Furniture lines.
This phase starts innocently. The first person says a vaguely intriguing “unique name” and the second tilts his head as if he were a golden retriever. But it quickly escalates.
Your partner asks, “What about Glipsted?” with eyes sparkling from excitement. It’s an ancient Norse word! “Very strong!”
Wasn’t this what the cat spewed up last week?
Next comes the “proof”: a blurry 1997 website, an old genealogy chart in Comic Sans or an ancient scroll that is supposedly a screenshot of said name. Some may even mention a Viking Warlord called Womblethwang.
You can now smile, nod, and delete the app that has your baby’s name. Glipsted will not happen. It’s fine.
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2. This Baby Is Not A Character From Game of Thrones
Or Lord of the Rings. Or Outlander. Any fantasy series that features dragons, historical sex, or swords.
One of you, at some point during your name search journey, will find yourself falling down a rabbit hole that leads straight to Westeros and Middle-earth. Suddenly, you’re shortlist includes names like Arya, Legolas, Hodor and Figwit. It’s an actual character. You’ll probably miss him if you blink.
Now, don’t get us wrong. We love a good fantasy. Sassenach may be too much for some people, unless they plan to raise their child in a cavern or fight the White Walkers during spare time.
It’s time to step in if your partner begins to use riddles or draws family trees with dragons. Or if they refer to your unborn baby as “the heir of Gondor.”
Remove the remote control gently. Cancel the extended edition movie marathon. Remind them that one day, your child may need to be able to introduce himself or herself at a job meeting without everyone laughing.
3. The Ancestry.com stage
Also called: “Didn’t you have a great-great uncle named… Balthazar?”
Ancestry is the stage where things start to get serious – and a little dusty.
One of you becomes a genealogist. You spend hours scrolling through genealogy websites and making wild-eyed claims about your 14th-century lineage.
He was a horse tamer during the Saxon era! Your partner beams as if this alone would justify naming your baby something that sounds similar to a medieval disease.
Honouring your family’s heritage is a wonderful thing. There’s a thin line between paying tribute and giving your child a name that sounds like a Harry Potter manuscript rejected.
This is a good response:
“Honey, I love the history of our country.” I love it. Eadwig, however, is not something that you would find in a birth notice .”
4. The Dr Seuss Stage
When names are more of a feeling than a label.
Ah, the stage of whimsy. Here, creativity soars to new heights and reason takes a short break.
You begin to string words together as if you were composing a poem that would be judged by woodland fairies.
“What About Poppy Honey?”
“Or Buddy Bear Sunshine?”
“Maybe Blueberry Muffin?”
Does this sound familiar? You can blame (or thank!) celebrity parents such as Jamie and Jools, who transformed their children’s names into a pastel-coloured art form with glitter sprinkled on top. It is a good idea if you are famous or live in a yurt.
This phase is important for the rest of us. Ask yourself these questions before finalising Rainbow Lullaby Moonbeam:
Does this name look good on a business card for an attorney? What about a doctor’s degree?
You can save it to use on your next goldfish.
5. The My-Way-or-the-Highway Stage
Also known as Baby Name Showdown.
It’s a moment of tension when you both have chosen your favourite names and they are incompatible.
They want Blaze. Blaze is what they want.
You imagine an elegant botanist. They imagine a professional skater from a movie.
It’s suddenly a standoff. You mentally prepare your argument as if it were a courtroom drama, with arms folded and name lists in front of you.
I let you choose the curtains, dog’s name and Netflix password. I’m picking the baby’s first name !”
You will soon remember that this stage is not permanent.
You like each other.
B) Your child is not a team of footballers.
You want to be in love with the same name.
Take a deep breath. Perhaps a snack break. Don’t forget, nobody wins if your baby is named Compromise McGee.
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6. The Parallel World Moment
“Who are you?”
This one is a real slap in the face.
You look at your partner and wonder, How did I get to be with someone who believes that ‘Snooker is a good baby name?
You’re asking yourself: Was I drunk when you fell in love? Was I blind to this major personality flaw when I fell in love with someone?
It’s okay. You are not alone.
It’s a surreal moment for every parent when the suggested names make them question their relationship. Is Esmeralda a perfume? Banjo Rocket or Banjo Rocket will likely leave you feeling a bit shell-shocked.
Laughter is the key. Honestly. Both of you will suggest strange names. Both of you will have mad moments. You can get through it with humour and a bucket of cold water, if the situation gets too heated.
7. The Frankenstein Stage
Let’s get… creative.
Congratulations. Congratulations! You have survived the battles, the names and the fantasies. The peace treaty is now upon us.
In this phase, many couples choose to combine their forces and their favourite names. You can mix yours with theirs and add a touch of “Let’s move on now.”
What is the result? A delightful hybrid like:
- Anast-ella (Anastasia + Ella)
- Christobastien
- Beyonce Edna
It can work beautifully. Sometimes, you may raise a few eyebrows. You’ve earned your right to be quirky.
Make sure the child won’t have to repeat it six times per day for the rest of their lives.
8. The Rubik’s Cube Stage
You’ve done it!
Then, everything just clicks. You find a name you like, just as a Rubik’s Cube snaps into place.
You both look at each other. You both say it out loud. It is tested with your name. Imagine shouting the phrase across a playground or writing it down on a lunchbox. You smile.
Congratulations! You have the name of your baby.
You give a high-five. You feel proud. You should. You have survived one of humanity’s most emotional, absurd and meaningful naming ceremonies.
Enjoy your shared success. Hug your little one who is soon to arrive. Know this:
You would have loved them even if they had changed their name to Figwit.
Final Thoughts
You’re probably buried in lists of names, Pinterest boards and weird suggestions.
Hold on to your relatives. You are not alone. You’re not alone.
You can laugh. Compromise. Drink tea. Move on.
You’re about to have your Rubik’s Cube moment. When it finally happens, all the effort will be worth it.
Baby-name warriors, you’ve got it.
