It’s Not Always OK: How to Respond to a Child’s Anxiety
Many of us have seen this scene, but we will never forget it. As the recess bell rings, you’re in the playground. The children scatter, laughing and shouting… but one little girl clutches at the gate with wide-open eyes. She stares at you with her breath held and body frozen. She’s lost in a storm, as her mum hasn’t arrived yet. Fear, separation, and a sense that something is wrong.
You want her to feel better. You want to tell her, “It’s OK”. It’s not okay for her.
This moment has stayed with me long after I calmed down, and her hand and her mother arrived. It reminded me of how deeply profound–and often misunderstood–anxiety can be in children.
Experts like parenting educator Maggie Dent and psychologist Karen Young have helped parents and caregivers connect with children who are in distress. They teach us how to “ride the waves” instead of denying anxiety.
1. Understanding Childhood Anxiety
We mistakenly confuse worry and fear with anxiety. While they do exist on a continuum, anxiety (especially if it affects a child’s world) is more prevalent than normal nervousness.
What Makes Kids Anxious?
- Temperament and biology. Some children have a more sensitive temperament, meaning they are more tuned in to sounds, emotions, or overstimulation. They may have a more sensitive nervous system that responds to stress.
- Genetic vulnerability: Anxiety can sometimes be passed down through the family. A predisposition to anxiety is not a guarantee. It’s just one part of the puzzle.
- Overwhelming Experiences: A move, a family conflict, or a traumatic experience can cause anxiety in children who previously coped well.
- Developmental Stage: New stressors can overwhelm the coping skills of a young child during transitional phases, such as starting school or entering adulthood.
- Children are very attentive to their caregivers. They may mimic adults who react to stress by avoiding it or showing fear.
Maggie Dent says that some children are more anxious because of their temperament and development. Then add a move, or another big change to the mix, and you have a perfect storm.
2. The Signs of Anxiety in Children are not Always Obvious
Children often can’t say “I feel anxious”. Their distress is often hidden behind tantrums, rage, or complaints of stomach pain.
What Karen Young Says
Dr. Karen Young explains that “all they know is something could go wrong.” This feeling can manifest as “what ifs”, avoidance, crying, sickness, or angry outbursts.
Behavioural Red Flags
- Refusal or resistance
- Need for excessive reassurance (e.,g. “Are we safe?” “Are you still here?”
- Escape or avoidance behaviour
- Hypervigilance: Spending a lot of energy anticipating what can go wrong
- Repetition of adult behaviors: Regurgitation or speech patterns of parents
“Some children become oppositional or super-perfectionist,” Dent explains–behaviours that often mask deep discomfort and anxiety.
3. Why “It’s OK” can backfire
It’s calming to hear our first instinct — “It is okay, it’s all right”. We invalidate the child’s experience by accident. They believe that if a child feels it, it is not okay.
What Happens If We Deny Their Emotions
- The child may internalise the following: “If nobody else thinks that I am upset, then maybe I am broken.”
- It undermines confidence:
- It can stifle emotional growth. Without the support needed to process anxiety, this condition may worsen.
Karen Young warns caregivers against using pacifying words. She says that we should “ride the waves” – walk alongside the child while they are in discomfort, without trying to fix the problem.
4. Riding the Wave – An Empowering Alternative
“Riding the wave” is a metaphor–symbolising our emotional support as kids face their anxiety. It’s not easy, but it is transformative.
Take a Closer Look
- Stay Present
Sit beside them. Hold their hands. Hold their hand. - Breathe Together
Reflect their anxiety by taking calm, anchoring breaths. You can reset your mind by exhaling longer than inhaling. - Don’t shame it, name it
You’re not to blame. Just observe. - Borrow Your Calm Courage
You can tell by your constant presence: - Stay Still, Stay Close
Do not run from their tears. Your calm presence will absorb panic and send a message to the child that anything bad feels safe and can be survived.
Co-soothing can rewire the autonomic nervous systems of children. Over time, guided exposures will increase their emotional resilience and confidence.
5. Simple Grounding Techniques that Work
Anxiety can be overwhelming. Quick grounding and distraction can shift your attention from panic back to presence.
Maggie Dent’s Tool Kit:
- Mindful Touch: A gentle hand-hold or a strong tickle on the base of your spine. The nervous system recalibrates by physical presence.
- Silly Distraction: An animal noise that surprises you, a bird flying outside, or a game in which you check the spots on leaves. These small interjections move the brain from the amygdala towards the prefrontal cortex, where calm logic resides.
Dent explains, “We interrupt the brain’s alert and pull it back to ‘I am safe, I am here. ‘”
6. Prevention: Create a cushion of calm
Prevention is more powerful than response.
Maggie Dent Recommends:
- Create rhythms of stillness
Relaxed Sunday mornings spent in your pajamas. Calming music. No devices. They are a great way to escape the daily stress. - Model emotional regulation
When you are stressed, explain to your children how you feel and how you cope. This type of modelling helps teach breathing, space, and acknowledgement. - Champion unhurried spaces
The brain of a child needs time to relax. This includes play-based exploration, outdoor adventure, and chores that are not hurried. Not racing, but play-based exploration and simple outdoor adventures build resilience in the brain.
7. Everyday Parents: Your script for anxiety moments
Here is a guide on how to help a child who has anxiety:
- At the scene, “I see that it’s frightening… I’m with you.”
- Emotion Validation: “This feeling tells you something important.”
- Grounding Touch: “Come and sit on my lap, feel my heartbeat.”
- Breathing Exercise: Inhale 4, pause 2, exhale 66, repeat three times.
- Distraction: “Let us count the flowers on this tree.”
- Check in after five minutes: “How do you feel now?”
This routine helps children understand: “I was scared, but I am still here.” I’ll be fine .”
8. Long-term Strategies for Building Resilient Brains
Help kids develop emotional health outside of anxiety moments:
- Teach Emotional Literacy, daily check-ins –
- What worked last time as a guide for problem-solving? Why not try again ?”?
- Encourage children to take small risks, from trying out a new dish to reading in class. Celebrate courageous moments.
- Praise efforts over results:
- Develop mindfulness. Even simple routines, such as bedtime stretching or dressing rituals, can help internalise calm focus.
9. When Anxiety is a Concern: Support Options
Consider these steps if anxiety is causing problems in your life, such as school refusal, obsessional behaviors, or meltdowns.
- Ask your doctor or school counselor.
- Find out if you can get an assessment from a psychologist, mental health professional, or other qualified person.
- Ask about evidence-based approaches
- CBT: Teach emotional mapping and coping techniques to children
- Exposure Therapy: Increases tolerance and resilience with safe, predictable increments
- Parent Coaching: Builds attachment safety and consistency by helping you to respond consistently.
- Medical Review: If anxiety intersects with ADHD or medical issues
Anxiety doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s an indication that you need to be more attentive. Early support can transform it from a looming hurricane into a manageable tsunami.
10. You are Not Alone, and You’re Doing OK
Remember that anxiety is not a result of design. It can be caused by genetics, environmental factors, life events, neurodevelopment, learned patterns, or overwhelm.
This girl was not damaged. She was not a weak attention seeker. She was afraid and needed to keep herself safe.
Her anxiety wave subsided when she remained with her, showed calm assurance, and helped her breathe. She felt heard as she navigated what was unbearable.
Stay close to the child next time you’re in this situation. Breathe. Connect and say: I’m here. We will get through it.
Conclusion
Anxiety is a common childhood experience that can be both a challenge as well as an opportunity. It can be a teacher by showing children how to navigate difficult emotions, feel them, and learn from them.
We have a profound role as caregivers: we can either deny our children’s feelings–saying “You’re fine!” or we can stand with our kids and say “I’m feeling this too, and we’re OK.”
In this shared calmness, resilience blossoms – not just for a moment but throughout a lifetime.
Let’s give something more powerful to children than anxious reassurance: our presence, breath, and shared courage.
