How to Repair Your Relationship With Your Mother-in-Law After Giving Birth
Having a child indeed changes everything. Your daily routines and identity change the moment you have a child. So does your relationship with your partner. Even your friends’ relationships shift. One relationship for which many parents are unprepared is their mother-in-law.
Even the most healthy of families can be affected by the addition of a new baby. The dynamic changes suddenly. Now you are not only the daughter-in-law, but also the mom of your mother’s mother-in-law’s grandson. This can bring with it all sorts of unspoken expectations, hidden resentment, and conflicting parenting and care approaches.
Tensions are not unusual. It’s almost a cliché. It’s no wonder MILs are the main characters in sitcoms, and that they’re often discussed in mom groups. Your relationship with your MIL is important, even if you don’t believe in cliches. She is part of the extended family and part of your child’s world. Whether you like her or not, she will likely be a part of parenting for a long time.
What do you do if things start to get rough? How can you maintain a relationship when you are hormonal, sleep deprived, trying to soothe a baby with colic, and coping with unsolicited advice while managing the relationship?
Here are 5 real, honest, and doable ways you can begin to repair your relationship with your MIL after having a child. Because preserving this connection (and maintaining your sanity!) is worth it.
1. From Her Perspective
It’s often the most difficult step to take, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed or emotionally stretched. The first step to repairing the relationship with your MIL involves stepping outside of your perspective and trying to see things from her point of view.
You’re mother-in-law is also going through a major transition. She is no longer “Grandma”, but she has to learn how to adapt to a new family dynamics. This can be an emotionally complex situation. She may not be aware that she is being overbearing or jealous. These behaviors are often the result of being displaced or not knowing where she belongs.
Consider this: She has spent many years, if not decades, raising your partner. She might have been his central woman. She might now feel, almost overnight, that she has been replaced, or is being pushed aside. She may not feel necessary anymore. She might even feel as if she is an outsider within her family.
While it is not your responsibility to fix her emotional state, you can respond with empathy and avoid defensiveness. Next time she gives advice that seems outdated or demeaning, ask yourself: Does she want to be in control?
She’s adapting to grandmotherhood while you’re still adjusting to motherhood. She’s also figuring out her identity. Acknowledging another’s experience can be the most healing. This alone can reduce tensions in a way you may not have imagined.
2. Help Her (yes, really)
This might sound counterintuitive–especially if your MIL has already been offering more “help” than you’d like. Asking for help is not a weakness. It is an invitation to collaborate, and one of the best tools available for rebuilding (or building) trust.
Be proactive. Instead of passively accepting help from your MIL in ways that you find uncomfortable, like suggesting formula while you are trying to breastfeed your baby, or giving him chocolate at six months old. Give her meaningful, specific tasks that will make her feel appreciated. It can take some of your burden off.
- Ask her to hold your baby while you take a shower or nap.
- Allow her to take the baby on a stroll so that you can prepare dinner (or simply sit quietly with a cup of tea).
- Ask her how she bathed her babies, and then try it with her.
It’s not about handing her the reins or pretending that you agree with all she says. You want to show her that you respect her, that her parenting philosophy is different, but that her experience is still valuable.
Inclusion is a great way to ease tension. Let’s face it, having another pair of eyes (and hands) is a blessing.
3. Give Her Positive Feedback (Even when it’s hard)
Welcome to the club if you feel judged by your mother-in-law about how you raise your children. The generational gap in parenting is very real and can be quite shocking. It is not uncommon for parents to abandon practices that were common 30 years ago, such as smacking and sleep training.
You may smile politely when you hear comments such as “We didn’t use car seats, but you are fine!”
But here’s a trick that can genuinely help: give her credit when she gets it right. When she offers useful advice or even just non-controversial–, let her know you appreciate it.
She might share a trick that works to calm a gassy infant. Maybe she knits your baby a blanket. Recognize those victories. This way, if you ever need to set a boundary, such as “We won’t be crying it out”, you can do so in a respectful and affirming relationship.
This tactic doesn’t involve manipulation; it’s about building confidence through validation. People are less likely to become defensive when they feel acknowledged. If you show respect for your MIL as a grandmother and mother, she will be less inclined to dig her heels in.
Don’t forget that your partner was raised by her. Her “dated” advice contains a lifetime of motherly wisdom. You might even find some gold nuggets.
4. Vent To Your Friends, Not Your Partner
Sometimes, your MIL can drive you insane. She may ignore your requests. She may offer a backhanded compliment. She may compare your parenting with her daughter or herself when she was your age.
You must talk about it, but choose your audience carefully.
Remember that this is your partner’s mother. He may have deep emotional ties with her and feel torn between his loyalty to you and her love. It’s not a good place to put someone, even if it’s just a minor conflict.
Instead, rely on your friends, especially those who have been there. Find a safe place to vent, such as a mother, a friend you trust, or a sibling. You can rant, cry, or laugh about your MIL bringing over an old bucket of baby toys, or insisting your baby needs a sweater when it’s 30 degrees outside.
Sometimes, just saying out loud what you are feeling is enough to calm your anger.
If the problem is serious–if she is affecting your mental health, or is causing you to lose your temper, your MIL should be talked to. Frame it as a discussion about how both of you can set boundaries, and not an attack on her mother.
It’s not the goal to create a rift, but to move forward as a team.
5. You’ll Never See Eye-to-Eye
Take a deep breath and let go of any notion that you and MIL are ever going to be perfectly aligned. The truth is, you won’t. It’s okay.
Will not always agree with your in-laws about every parenting decision. You’ll likely have different priorities, approaches, and philosophies on everything from nap times to screen time to whether or not your baby needs a hat.
Yes, it can irritate.
What is the secret to peace on a long-term basis? Let go of the small things.
You don’t have to win every argument. You don’t have to defend every parenting decision. Be polite. Be polite. Be consistent. Tell her what’s important and what you are willing to compromise on.
Pick your battles. You should save your energy to focus on the important things, such as your baby’s well-being, your health, and maintaining harmony at home.
Make her believe you are “too lenient” with discipline. If it makes her happy, let her buy loud toys (and then hide them in the closet). As long as you love and protect your child, even a small compromise can make a big difference.
Conclusion
Your MIL may not seem like your enemy in the tough moments, but she is not. She is likely on her emotional journey, one that’s full of joy, pride, and uncertainty. She probably wants to have a good relationship, too.
It doesn’t have to be best friends, or that you agree on everything. It’s about building a collaborative, respectful relationship that’s based on the commonality you share: your love of the baby.
