Spontaneity is the Number One Thing Parents Miss about Life Before Kids
Life was a river before kids — free-flowing, flexible, and full of surprises. Before kids, you could decide to go to the beach or a movie on a whim or to a surprise weekend getaway. For most parents, spontaneity begins to fade once their children are in the picture.
Many parents mourn the loss of spontaneity in their previous lives, even though parenting brings joy, meaning, and love. Freedom to do whatever they wanted when they wanted, without having to coordinate their schedules or check the calendar. We love our children fiercely. Let’s face it: we miss the simplicity of life when everything was planned weeks in advance.
Take a look at why spontaneity is so rare as a parent and learn why it’s okay not to have it.
Childhood Then and Now: A Generational Shift
As a kid, I would play in my backyard until the sun set. No formal invitation was required. I would knock on the door of a neighbor, and we’d immediately be building forts or riding bicycles through the reserve. Sleepovers? The decision was made the same afternoon – no text messages between mothers, no allergies disclosed, and no weekend calendar comparisons.
Play dates are now a part of my children’s social life. Two simple words can tell you a lot about parenting culture. Playdates are meticulously planned, entered into diaries, and often scheduled days, if not even weeks, in advance. Planning is done around snack times, pick-up time, and adult supervision.
It’s not the same environment as we remember. Even when our children have unstructured time at home, they are no longer allowed to play freely. The formalisation of friendships. Play is protected. The risk is minimized.
It’s not necessarily bad, it’s simply… different. Many of us mourn a life that was lighter, more easygoing, and spontaneous.
Date Nights Calendar Needed Now
Planning is not just for playtime. Romance is no longer fueled by butterflies and impulse. It now requires a reservation. When I first heard “date night,” I thought it was oddly clinical. When I first heard the phrase “date night,” I found it oddly clinical.
We have to physically block out time for my husband and me if we want some alone time. Finding energy to romance is not easy. Between dinner prep, school runs, bath time, and crashing in bed at the end of a long day, it’s hard. It requires intention.
We could go for a stroll at dusk or linger at a wine bar, or check out the new Thai restaurant that had just opened. Today? This spontaneity seems like a relic from another time. We often spend our “quality time” folding laundry together or watching a half-episode of a TV show before one of us falls asleep.
It’s not only us: most couples with children say the same thing. Without a date night, the connection is lost in the chaos.
Why are we so Busy?
The real kicker is that we aren’t even overscheduled. Once a week, our son goes swimming. Our daughter has ballet every Saturday morning. That’s it. We don’t have to drive kids around for five different extracurricular activities, and both of us work reasonable hours. Our lives are like a high-stakes game of scheduling Tetris.
Each week, we plan for everything: birthday parties, shopping trips, dentist appointments, and work calls. We also have to deal with laundry and an endless mountain of socks. Paper diaries, Google Calendars, sticky notes, and whiteboards are our go-to tools. We tend to talk more about logistics than dreams. We write down things not only to remember, but also because they won’t happen if we don’t.
When did parenting become so… busy?
What Research Says About the Bigger Picture
Dr Lyndall Strozdins, the researcher who leads the family and work component of the Longitudinal Study of Australian Children, has a simple answer: We’re doing more for less.
In the 1970s, most households only had one breadwinner. In the 1970s, one parent – usually mum – stayed at home to take care of the children and manage the household. In most families, both parents work, but expectations of domestic and caring labour have not decreased. They’ve increased.
While working hard, we’re expected to maintain a clean house, cook healthy meals, provide emotional and academic support for our children, attend all school events, and remain connected with our partners. Outsourcing these tasks can be difficult for many families, especially with the limited support of their village.
We juggle. We patch solutions together. We are over-functioning. And we schedule, schedule, schedule.
The Joy-schedule Paradox: A Parent’s Reality
My oldest friend, a mother of two who is also a professional, describes her family’s calendar as “a living organism” that requires constant attention and feeding. Ironically, this drains all the fun out of planning a happy event, such as a picnic with family or a night on the town.
She still has to do a second job after work: cooking dinner, doing homework, folding the laundry, preparing lunches, and cleaning toys. When she and her husband finally sit down, it is often after 10 PM. They’re both too exhausted to talk.
She says that “if we don’t plan a date two months in advance, it simply won’t happen.”
Sounds familiar?
Is a Lack of Spontaneity a Death Sentence?
The good news is that it’s not. Parenting does reduce our spontaneity, but it doesn’t eliminate it. The spontaneous moments become more valuable.
Many parents report that they are even more appreciative of small, unexpected joys now. For example, an ice cream run on a night when the kids were at school, a detour into the park on their way home from errands, or a movie on the couch. These little things seem larger to me now.
There’s also value in scheduling happiness. It may seem unromantic to schedule “date nights” on the calendar, but this ensures that the love of your life is not pushed down to the bottom. This gives couples a reason to look forward. It reminds couples that their relationship is important.
Constant Planning has an Emotional Cost
Let’s not sugarcoat the truth. Constant planning can be emotionally draining. Joy can feel like a chore. Parents (particularly mums) often report that invisible work, such as managing everyone’s requirements, from dental appointments to packed meals, is not recognised.
The mental burden can seem endless. Not only the time, but also the energy. While scheduling can give us structure and control, we can also feel as if our lives are on autopilot.
We miss our lightness, our ability to be present in the moment without having to plan.
How to Reclaim Spontaneity (Even in Small Ways)
While we will never be able to return to our carefree pre-kid days, we can still reclaim spontaneity through small, sustainable changes. Here’s how:
1. Keep White Space on Your Calendar
Do not book every minute. Leave one afternoon or evening free each week. This white space is the place where spontaneity lives.
2. Say yes to the Little Things
Say yes if your child suddenly wants to bake or ride a bike at dusk. This might disrupt bedtime, but you’ll create a lasting memory.
3. Lower the Bar
It’s not necessary to plan every fun activity. Accept imperfect moments, like eating dinner on a rug in your living room.
4. Schedule Less
Say no to the third birthday party, or to volunteer work. Your family will have more breathing room with a lighter schedule.
5. Routine Becomes Ritual
Even the mundane, like shopping for groceries, can be fun. Allow your child to choose a snack. On the way home, grab a smoothie.
Conclusion
Parenting is a life-changing experience. You no longer have your own time. Your calendar has become communal. Your ability to live life and to experience spontaneous joy is still intact. It needs some more care.
You can mourn the loss of spontaneity. That’s valid. You can also embrace a new version — one that includes dance parties in your kitchen, giggles before bedtime, and surprises that appear during a hectic week.
Parenting is structured, but it also has moments that can surprise you, delight you, and even crack your heart open if only we let them.
