In today’s episode of “how much can a vagina sting?” an expectant mum tackles hair removal with some very upsetting results.
Doing God’s work
Mum on the Run‘s Laura Mazza has taken to Facebook to issue a grim warning about the dangers of self-hair removal and frankly we’re glad she’s looking out for other ladies.
Laura embarked on her own hair banishing misadventure, worried that she might need a pre-birth tidy-up by a nurse, and that she’d “die of embarrassment because she needs a whipper snipper to cut through the Sherwood Forest.”
I think we can all relate.
As my due date edges closer, I have thought about removing my own body hair so that I don’t get shaved down by a nurse…
A visit to Sherwood Forest
Laura headed into Sherwood Forest with some hair removal cream recommended to her by a friend, doing a spot test (all clear!) before approaching any tender regions. It was all going swimmingly, the expectant mama reported.
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“I gots no time for rules yeah, so I lathered this shit all over my body. Little bit under the arms, bit on my legs, some on my chin, little bit on the bikini line, okay a lot on the bikini line… I was ready to come out looking like Mr Bigglesworth. The packet said it was fine for the bikini line, just avoid the anus… which is fine,” Laura said.
Okay. So far, so hairless. Excellent work, Laura!
Nekminnit – “I jumped in the shower and start putting a face mask on, and some of the water splashes onto me… no biggie… however it was unbeknown to me that this water would create a river to my lower lady bits that would pave the way to THE HIGHWAY OF HELL,” Laura explained, and we all crossed our legs in sympathy.
“The cream obviously went where it shouldn’t have,” Laura went on, “and my skin decided despite the patch test it was going to reign Satan’s fury all over my body and I began to burn … like FKN BURN.”
Tongs might help?
“Naturally I start to scream like a hyena and furiously try to wash it off,” she writes and at this point the reinforcements arrived. Bearing kitchen utensils.
“Of course husband thinks I’m in labour and comes rushing in with some tongs (wanting to catch the baby? No they were for something else… I’m still unsure). ‘Are you in labour?’ He asks holding the tongs. ‘No! Omg I’m having a reaction to the cream!!'”
Poor, poor Laura. Her distressed hubby tries to help, but he’s got the wrong end of the stick.
“He looks at my face and sees half hardened face mask and thinks I put the cream on my face so he helpfully grabs a towel and starts rubbing my face while I’m trying to push him away,” she explains.
Eventually, they managed to wash all the hair removal cream off, and Laura notes that the bottle advises against use on sensitive skin. Guys, Laura has sensitive skin. OMG.
“It removed all the hair,” she notes, a kind of happy ending except “I look like a hairless cat who has the measles.”